Mantichorus
"I've seen enough."
- AKA
- Kris; Mantichorus; Sam Vimes; Neku Sakuraba; Koki Kariya; Hazama; CuChulainn; Yu Narukami; Mewtwo; Rival Silver; Suicune; Kanata; Professor Oak; The Brigadier; VIII; The Engineer
A/N: This is what happens when a Monty Python meme collides with Final Fantasy IX, Warhammer 40,000...and live-action role-playing.
My humour may not be to everyone's tastes, but, meh. Hope you enjoy.
Standard disclaimer, no name you recognise belongs to me.
Everything about the situation chafed with Kuja – the fact that his quiet, anonymous existence had been disturbed; the fact that he was now being kept captive; and the rough material of the sack over his head.
For two years now, Kuja had lived in an anonymous hovel, off the track of the main pathway between Madain Sari and the Iifa Tree. Two years since he faked his own death, even to the satisfaction of his dreary siblings – the inane Zidane and Mikoto the laconic. After so long, he’d thought that he was beyond detection.
Having been awoken by two individuals bursting into his home, screaming things like “heretic!!” and “traitor!!” dispelled that assurance, however. Especially when he considered the rudeness of them covering his (admittedly, distractingly perfect) face before he could see theirs.
They had carried him a considerable distance, and he was now shackled to a wall. He could hear his two captors returning, apparently with another captive, by the sounds of it. He heard them shackle their other captive to the opposite wall.
“Very well,” said one. “Let us get this trial under way, Brother.” Kuja guessed this must be the younger of the two, as he sounded like a teenaged boy.
“Indeed, Brother,” the other replied. “These two must receive the full retribution our mandate allows!” However, this…boy sounded just as young.
A hand pulled the sack off of Kuja’s head, accidentally tugging at some of his hair. Kuja grunted in annoyance – he hated it when…entities touched his long, luxurious hair, as a Troll had once discovered. He was surprised when he saw his captors, however.
They were Genomes. Two, male Genomes, only slightly more matured than when he had left the Terrans to die on the world he’d destroyed – ah. That might explain why they called him a traitor. The two of them wore strange robes, with a stylised uppercase ‘I’ on them. A lone lantern on the ceiling was the only source of light in the small room.
“Very well, Brother Daisukenojo,” said the first. “Let us unveil the second penitent.”
“Be it so, Brother Koki,” replied Daisukenojo, and stepped to the other captive. Kuja stared across the room, recognition sparking in his mind at the torso opposite him. However, it wasn’t until the hood was removed, revealing the face that Kuja truly recognised him. The two captives stared at each other in mute shock, until –
“You!” Kuja said.
“You!” Garland said, simultaneously.
“But I thought you were dead!” they both said, simultaneously.
“Oh, I faked my death.” Again.
“But so did I!” And again.
“Silence, you foul apostates!” Koki cried. “You must now answer for your crimes!”
“What crimes?” Garland demanded.
“Shan’t,” Kuja declared.
“And who the devil do you children think you are?!” Garland demanded.
“Silence!” Koki cried. “You will answer for your crimes!”
“NO-ONE EXPECTS THE TERRAN INQUISITION!” Daisukenojo roared.
Kuja and Garland glanced at each other. Everything that had passed between them before – the labyrinthine death plots, the theft of the Invincable, the destruction of Terra, and Kuja’s planet sized Oedipal complex – was wiped away as they realised the were both neck deep in the same shit.
“Well,” Kuja said. “I wasn’t expecting that.”
“Silence, travesty!” Koki cried. “We shall now begin the second stage of the inquisition!”
“I think I may have missed the first stage,” Garland said.
“The first stage is informing the damned that they are in the presence of the Most Holy Inquisition!” Daisukenojo bellowed. “The second stage is…telling you of what is involved in the other SEVEN stages!”
Koki shuffled then, and murmured to Daisukenojo at what he thought was below the captives’ hearing; “Umm, what are they exactly, Dai?”
Daisukenojo shrugged slightly and mumbled back; “I dunno. I haven’t found anything in the official fluff, and even fanon doesn’t dare to guess!”
“Very well,” Koki said. “Needs must that we should improvise, Brother.” And so, that’s exactly what they did. Unfortunately, the Genome Inquisitors lacked that most important tool of all torturers – imagination. As they also lacked any experience or knowledge of the cruel arts of interrogation, they blustered through for a good twenty minutes before retiring.
“I suppose…” Garland pondered. “I suppose they make things worse by constantly shouting.”
“Well, I was intimidated by the cold tea and burnt toast,” Kuja admitted. “I can’t stand it when breakfast isn’t properly done.”
“Hmm, well, I was worried about being jabbed by the pointy end of a cushion,” Garland said. “I am actually allergic to the down they use as filler.”
“Really?” said Kuja. “That sounds pretty serious.”
“Oh, no, more inconvenient, really. I come out in this rash, you see…” Garland started to explain, before he was interrupted by…
“Koki. Daisukenojo. It is time for dinner. The others are waiting for us,” Mikoto said, entering the room. She looked at Kuja and Garland for a moment, before simply saying; “Why?”
Koki looked ashamed. “Sorry Ms Mikoto. We… we were LARPing again.”
Mikoto considered this, and said: “But I forbade it.”
Koki and Daisukenojo both cringed, despite her neutral tone. “Soh-sorry, Ms Mikoto,” they mumbled.
Mikoto nodded acceptance. “Your meals will be getting cold. Run along.” The two Genomes ran from the room like their tails were on fire.
Mikoto returned her attention to the two captives. Kuja found it hard to determine what was going through his sister’s head, as he always had. “Well,” she said. “I did assume that one or the other of the two of you had faked his own death. However, the fact that both of you did surprises me to an extent.”
With that, she exited, conscientiously blowing out the lantern as she left. As the door closed behind her, Kuja and Garland were left in darkness.
Several minutes passed in silence, before Garland spoke: “So…when do you think she’ll be back?”
My humour may not be to everyone's tastes, but, meh. Hope you enjoy.
Standard disclaimer, no name you recognise belongs to me.
~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~
Everything about the situation chafed with Kuja – the fact that his quiet, anonymous existence had been disturbed; the fact that he was now being kept captive; and the rough material of the sack over his head.
For two years now, Kuja had lived in an anonymous hovel, off the track of the main pathway between Madain Sari and the Iifa Tree. Two years since he faked his own death, even to the satisfaction of his dreary siblings – the inane Zidane and Mikoto the laconic. After so long, he’d thought that he was beyond detection.
Having been awoken by two individuals bursting into his home, screaming things like “heretic!!” and “traitor!!” dispelled that assurance, however. Especially when he considered the rudeness of them covering his (admittedly, distractingly perfect) face before he could see theirs.
They had carried him a considerable distance, and he was now shackled to a wall. He could hear his two captors returning, apparently with another captive, by the sounds of it. He heard them shackle their other captive to the opposite wall.
“Very well,” said one. “Let us get this trial under way, Brother.” Kuja guessed this must be the younger of the two, as he sounded like a teenaged boy.
“Indeed, Brother,” the other replied. “These two must receive the full retribution our mandate allows!” However, this…boy sounded just as young.
A hand pulled the sack off of Kuja’s head, accidentally tugging at some of his hair. Kuja grunted in annoyance – he hated it when…entities touched his long, luxurious hair, as a Troll had once discovered. He was surprised when he saw his captors, however.
They were Genomes. Two, male Genomes, only slightly more matured than when he had left the Terrans to die on the world he’d destroyed – ah. That might explain why they called him a traitor. The two of them wore strange robes, with a stylised uppercase ‘I’ on them. A lone lantern on the ceiling was the only source of light in the small room.
“Very well, Brother Daisukenojo,” said the first. “Let us unveil the second penitent.”
“Be it so, Brother Koki,” replied Daisukenojo, and stepped to the other captive. Kuja stared across the room, recognition sparking in his mind at the torso opposite him. However, it wasn’t until the hood was removed, revealing the face that Kuja truly recognised him. The two captives stared at each other in mute shock, until –
“You!” Kuja said.
“You!” Garland said, simultaneously.
“But I thought you were dead!” they both said, simultaneously.
“Oh, I faked my death.” Again.
“But so did I!” And again.
“Silence, you foul apostates!” Koki cried. “You must now answer for your crimes!”
“What crimes?” Garland demanded.
“Shan’t,” Kuja declared.
“And who the devil do you children think you are?!” Garland demanded.
“Silence!” Koki cried. “You will answer for your crimes!”
“NO-ONE EXPECTS THE TERRAN INQUISITION!” Daisukenojo roared.
Kuja and Garland glanced at each other. Everything that had passed between them before – the labyrinthine death plots, the theft of the Invincable, the destruction of Terra, and Kuja’s planet sized Oedipal complex – was wiped away as they realised the were both neck deep in the same shit.
“Well,” Kuja said. “I wasn’t expecting that.”
“Silence, travesty!” Koki cried. “We shall now begin the second stage of the inquisition!”
“I think I may have missed the first stage,” Garland said.
“The first stage is informing the damned that they are in the presence of the Most Holy Inquisition!” Daisukenojo bellowed. “The second stage is…telling you of what is involved in the other SEVEN stages!”
Koki shuffled then, and murmured to Daisukenojo at what he thought was below the captives’ hearing; “Umm, what are they exactly, Dai?”
Daisukenojo shrugged slightly and mumbled back; “I dunno. I haven’t found anything in the official fluff, and even fanon doesn’t dare to guess!”
“Very well,” Koki said. “Needs must that we should improvise, Brother.” And so, that’s exactly what they did. Unfortunately, the Genome Inquisitors lacked that most important tool of all torturers – imagination. As they also lacked any experience or knowledge of the cruel arts of interrogation, they blustered through for a good twenty minutes before retiring.
“I suppose…” Garland pondered. “I suppose they make things worse by constantly shouting.”
“Well, I was intimidated by the cold tea and burnt toast,” Kuja admitted. “I can’t stand it when breakfast isn’t properly done.”
“Hmm, well, I was worried about being jabbed by the pointy end of a cushion,” Garland said. “I am actually allergic to the down they use as filler.”
“Really?” said Kuja. “That sounds pretty serious.”
“Oh, no, more inconvenient, really. I come out in this rash, you see…” Garland started to explain, before he was interrupted by…
“Koki. Daisukenojo. It is time for dinner. The others are waiting for us,” Mikoto said, entering the room. She looked at Kuja and Garland for a moment, before simply saying; “Why?”
Koki looked ashamed. “Sorry Ms Mikoto. We… we were LARPing again.”
Mikoto considered this, and said: “But I forbade it.”
Koki and Daisukenojo both cringed, despite her neutral tone. “Soh-sorry, Ms Mikoto,” they mumbled.
Mikoto nodded acceptance. “Your meals will be getting cold. Run along.” The two Genomes ran from the room like their tails were on fire.
Mikoto returned her attention to the two captives. Kuja found it hard to determine what was going through his sister’s head, as he always had. “Well,” she said. “I did assume that one or the other of the two of you had faked his own death. However, the fact that both of you did surprises me to an extent.”
With that, she exited, conscientiously blowing out the lantern as she left. As the door closed behind her, Kuja and Garland were left in darkness.
Several minutes passed in silence, before Garland spoke: “So…when do you think she’ll be back?”
