Baseless but fun Crack theories

[Ryushikaze]

Got an off the wall, ludicrous, baseless, and funny Crack theory about Dissidia? I DO!

Taken from my MSN convo to Mako...
Garland/Chaos somehow becomes Cloud after the cycle ends.
Garland has a thing for oversize multipart swords with various moving parts and interchangeable modes.
Garland's EX burst is a mash circle to fill guage to get extra attacks, like Cloud's.
As he fades at the end of SI3, Garland says he'll go find a new cycle.
Garland is never dying, always coming back from the dead. Similarly, Cloud just won't fucking die.
And since Dissidia folks can exist together despite being in the same continuity thousands of years apart (FFX, FFVII, natch), why not someone existing alongside someone they used to be?
This brings an interesting perspective to WoL and Sephiroth's confrontation, now that I think about it.

Edited to remove MSN names only.
So, that's my hilarious crack theory. What's yours?

 

[Makoeyes987]

Cloud's crystal is the Holy materia belonging to Aerith, and it symbolizes their romantic love and connection. In Dissidia's ending, Cloud walks into the flowerfield Promised Land to be with Aerith.

 

[Ryushikaze]

Yep, CrackTASTIC. Remember folks, the more off the wall and less likely to be true, THE BETTER.

 

[Dark and Divine]

Garland is in love with Ultimecia. Seriously!

Why do you think he helped Ultimecia to set a trap for Squall, but didn't help any other villain? It's all about the love, baby!

Curiously, this puts him in direct conflit with the Emperor, who seems to be taking care of Ultimecia's "void".

So there you have it, Dissidia's LT.

May the war between Mateusimecia and Garlandecia shippers begin!

 

[Alessa Gillespie]

Terra has no love interest in FF6 because she's destined to be with Bartz.

 

[Ryushikaze]

Garland is in love with Ultimecia. Seriously!

Why do you think he helped Ultimecia to set a trap for Squall, but didn't help any other villain? It's all about the love, baby!

Curiously, this puts him in direct conflit with the Emperor, who seems to be taking care of Ultimecia's "void".

So there you have it, Dissidia's LT.

May the war between Mateusimecia and Garlandecia shippers begin!

But remember, Garland is Cloud, so that brings another layer into the LT, making it a love Polyhedral.

 

[Makoeyes987]

Here's one crack theory that sadly isn't treated as such because it's people not paying attention to the damn story.

Cosmos is Cid of the Lufaine's wife. And subsequently, Garland's mother.

Or better yet, Cosmos is really the clone, of Cid of the Lufaine's wife.

Yeah...that makes a shit ton of sense.

 

[Ryushikaze]

That's... out there.
I'd heard the 'Princess Sarah is a clone/ replacement of Cid of the Lufeine's wife/ Cosmos to keep Garly in order, but never that Cosy was a clone of someone else.

He's one courtesy of Quex's response in the Cloud/Terra crackship thread- Cloud is Terra.
I now assert this alongside Cloud is Garland.

 

[Makoeyes987]

Cloud...is Terra?

That's not crack, that's just sheer schizophrenia

But yeah, people had some rather..unique..interpretations regarding the Chaos/Cosmos reports. Here's another that was on gamefaqs:

Cosmos was Cid of the Lufaine's wife and Cid became Chaos through the power of Discord when he lost his body. Because of his revenge, he forgot his love for his wife and killed her, but then he felt guilty and made the clone of his wife the new Cosmos, and that's why she appeared again in the secret ending.

 

[Mantichorus]

Garland is really Grigori Rasputin under all that armour. It makes sense! He takes loads of beatings and he tells Zidane he's kinky!

=

Ultimecia and Kuja's arguement was because Ultimecia caught Kuja going through her make-up!

=

Ultimecia has a crush on Zidane! She asks him to dance with her, after all!

=

Firion is possessed by the spirit of a white wolf, that's why he's so interested in flowers!

=

GOLBEZ AND CECIL ARE BROTHERS!!!

...OK, that last one is a little out there, but otherwise I think those are all very sensible theories.

 

[Tennyo]

There needs to be a thread like this for the actual compilation. I've got some great ideas for that. XD

 

[Cthulhu]

There needs to be a thread like this for the actual compilation. I've got some great ideas for that. XD

I stop you not.

 

[Tennyo]

I don't feel like making it. *drags feet to go do so*

 

[Mantichorus]

Kinda pointless with FFVII as all the good crack theories have been:

a) totally debunked by the Ultimania, or

b) created by Nomura.

 

[Tennyo]

Well that's sort of the...point. lol Baseless CRACK theories. Need it be explained in more detail?

 

[Glaurung]

Terra is Kefka's long lost sister.

 

[Mantichorus]

Well that's sort of the...point. lol Baseless CRACK theories. Need it be explained in more detail?

Damn, I completely missed the point! All of my theories had some basis! Well, except that about Cecil and Golbez being brothers...

Let's try some more!

# The Warrior of Light is an incarnation of the Archangel Michael, who is said in some traditions to be "set over Chaos"!
No, it could make sense!

# The Onion Knight is a young Deadpool, hence the red ninja outfit!
No, it could still make some sense!

# Garland is really Brian Blessed!
Yeeeessss!

 

[Max Payne]

That fans are smart. Writing their huge posts and analysis of crap that amounts to nothing but feel it's justified because it's a hobby.

LOOK WHERE OUR LIVES HAVE GONE.

 

[Ryushikaze]

Here's a doozy of one- OK is Sora. Those designs on his sword are because it's a modern keyblade.

Ninja is the same as Brave form, and Sage is Wisdom form.
This also means that KH is as a whole just a retelling of FF3.
And in a bizarre way, that's kind of true if you just look at KH1 and 2.

 

[Hawkeye.]

Squall is Clouds long lost father who's never seen in FF VII. Because he only stopped in Clouds world for a vacation & had one too many drinks. He then woke up naked, freaked out, & got the hell out of dodge. The badass gene was passed on to father & son as a result. Also, Sephiroth is Squall in the world of FF VII. & as a result of a psychic connection which he is unaware of due to the visit... he ends up with a deep buried resentment for a son his other self never wanted... Thus the the true reason for the FF VII Saga. It's also why Squall & Sephiroth go at it in the Dissidia opening. Squall is pissed Sephiroth hasn't offed the little depressed blonde & Sephirtoh is pissed at Squall because of the amount of child support he's going to get stuck with if a proper DNA test is ever done.

It's true, I read it on the internet.

 

[Mantichorus]

Cosmos is actually a vampire, a la Twilight. It explains her sparkly, pale skin.

 

[Lord Noctis]

Cloud is his own grandfather,in addition to being the great-grandfather of Squall, who is in fact his father and brother at the same time. It is also well known that Squall is Kuja's sister and that Kuja is the cousin of COD, who is the woman who gave birth to all of them. It is interesting to note that Cloud gave birth to COD some thirty years before his own brith.

 

[Dark and Divine]

Ultimecia is Sephiroth's ultimate shinentai!!!

After Sephiroth's defeat in AC(C), he used what remained of his spirit and of Negative Lifestream to create a shinentai more complete than Kadaj, Loz or Yazoo, and more akin to a clone of himself, that could harbour Sephiroth's soul and power without the need for Jenova cells to create a new body.

Though he was able to use memories from the Lifestream to create a matrix to this new avatar, Sephiroth's spirit/will was too weak to complete his plan. He was able to transfer some of his more basic feelings to this new body (for instance, his hate towards Cloud), but not his memories, his sense of self nor his own power.

Thus Sephiroth's self was finally absorbed and dilluted in the Lifestream and his Negative Lifestream faded away, leaving behind only this new shinentai, who had the shape of a young girl with silver hair, sealed in a mako crystal.

During a year, the shinentai drifted along the Lifestream until it was caught in a flow of spirit energy from wich an impure and corrupted Omega was formed.

Being inside this Dark Omega when Chaos Vincent destroyed it, instead of falling into the Planet like the rest of the Lifestream, the shinentai drifted into outer space.

Eventually, it was caught in a space/time anomaly that allowed the shinentai to fall into the Cleft of Dimensions. After a while, it was tossed away into VIII's world

The Shinentai finally woke up in a beach, surrounded by a few children. Not long after, two adults also made an appearence, they were dressed in white. When they ask about her name, the shinentai answered that she couldn't remember.

The two adults, presuming that the girl was suffering from amnesia, decided to take her with them to the Kramer Orpahanage, an institution they were a part of, named after its founders, who lived hundreds of years before.

After that, she grew up in the orphanage, became a Sorceress, was feared and hated by everyone and because of that, she hates mankind and devises a plan to use a Time Compression to absorb all reality to become a Godess and shape the Universe as she seems fit.

*Starts FFVIII*

 

[Lord Noctis]

Ultimecia is Sephiroth's ultimate shinentai!!!

After Sephiroth's defeat in AC(C), he used what remained of his spirit and of Negative Lifestream to create a shinentai more complete than Kadaj, Loz or Yazoo, and more akin to a clone of himself, that could harbour Sephiroth's soul and power without the need for Jenova cells to create a new body.

Though he was able to use memories from the Lifestream to create a matrix to this new avatar, Sephiroth's spirit/will was too weak to complete his plan. He was able to transfer some of his more basic feelings to this new body (for instance, his hate towards Cloud), but not his memories, his sense of self nor his own power.

Thus Sephiroth's self was finally absorbed and dilluted in the Lifestream and his Negative Lifestream faded away, leaving behind only this new shinentai, who had the shape of a young girl with silver hair, sealed in a mako crystal.

During a year, the shinentai drifted along the Lifestream until it was caught in a flow of spirit energy from wich an impure and corrupted Omega was formed.

Being inside this Dark Omega when Chaos Vincent destroyed it, instead of falling into the Planet like the rest of the Lifestream, the shinentai drifted into outer space.

Eventually, it was caught in a space/time anomaly that allowed the shinentai to fall into the Cleft of Dimensions. After a while, it was tossed away into VIII's world

The Shinentai finally woke up in a beach, surrounded by a few children. Not long after, two adults also made an appearence, they were dressed in white. When they ask about her name, the shinentai answered that she couldn't remember.

The two adults, presuming that the girl was suffering from amnesia, decided to take her with them to the Kramer Orpahanage, an institution they were a part of, named after its founders, who lived hundreds of years before.

After that, she grew up in the orphanage, became a Sorceress, was feared and hated by everyone and because of that, she hates mankind and devises a plan to use a Time Compression to absorb all reality to become a Godess and shape the Universe as she seems fit.

*Starts FFVIII*

What scares me most about this is not the theory itself, but the fact that I can see it actually happening.

 

[Mantichorus]

What scares me most about this is not the theory itself, but the fact that I can see it actually happening.

Agreed.