Continue!

[Telcontar]

Ok. Here's something fun... I hope.

Rules are simple.

Continue the story from where the poster above you left off.
One sentence, one paragraph, it's up to you.
You guys can do anything you want to the story, except for one thing!

CHARACTER HAS CANCER AND WILL DIE ON DECEMBER 29TH, 0000HRS GMT.

I'll think about how to end this thing, when the time arrives, but for now... Lets go!

(I'm hoping for a really funny story by the way!)

-

"You have cancer and will die exactly on December 29th". That was all that went through Jacob's mind as he drove off from the hospital, accelerating to 88MPH...

Continue!

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

For the first time since he'd heard that verdict it struck him as kind of bizarre that the doctor could set an exact date for his death, as if the quack could actually see into the future - but whatever, Jacob's objective right now was to get to the bank without wasting a minute and withdraw all the savings that he now intended to spend, spend, spend, since, after all, he couldn't take it with him.

 

[Telcontar]

As he drove to the bank, he started thinking of the places he could spend all this money at. One of the things on his bucket-list, was to get a lap-dance while singing his favourite songs. He just had to do it before he died. "But where?", he thought to himself... "Whereee?"

A little while later, as he walked up the steps to the bank, he stepped on something sticky; Really sticky. It was a flyer. A flyer for...

"Yops' Singing Strippers"

 

[Ghost X]

Jacob wasn't interested in male strippers though, so he tossed the flyer in the bin. Once arriving at the teller, he withdrew the three months worth of wages he kept saved just in case he needed it, and quickly made his way outside. Meanwhile, the teller left for the bathroom, feeling like she had to wash her hands after touching Jacob's sticky bank card.

Walking back to his car, Jacob bumped into...

 

[Flintlock]

...a stray lamp-post. "That hurt," he thought, because it hurt. As he dusted himself off, his mind, hitherto remarkably focused on sexual gratification, threw him a question he would sooner have avoided: "What does it feel like to die?"

 

[Telcontar]

Just at that moment... "BOOM!" His car exploded. The blast threw him back onto the pole he hit earlier, knocking him out.

When he finally came to, he found himself at...

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

A shelter for homeless men run by the Salvation Army. He was lying on a lumpy cot, covered by a scratchy grey blanket. His pockets had been emptied; his wallet, his ID, his credit card, his car keys, his house keys, and his library card had all been taken. As had his shoes. Groaning, he rolled over and looked into the eyes of....

 

[Joe]

...Another man!

 

[Ghost X]

(Bah, ninja'd)

...he rolled over again, terrified for his life, and found himself looking into the eyes of a potato. Dinner had been served, and it was bangers and mash. Jacob couldn't decide whether to eat dinner (because he was rather hungry) or go to the police about being robbed of his possessions, but then he came up with an even better idea, and that was...

 

[Telcontar]

to create another time machine (since the previous one exploded), so that he'd be able to travel back in time to stop him from planting the C4 charge on his own car! (And thus, preventing the robbery from ever taking place!)

But first, he needed the money to buy a new car to mod it into a time machine. After eating potatoes for the past hour and thinking about it... He realised that he had no other option other than to try his luck at the lottery.

"4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42" were his numbers.

The next day, the results were in and...!

 

[Octo]

He won! It was a miracle. It later transpired that 8999 other people had been equally lucky, giving him a 1/9000th share of the 2million jackpot. a measly amount of $ 222.22222 recurring. He was crestfallen.

Just then, a voice disturbed his thoughts "Hey, buddy...."

 

[Ghost X]

"...I'm not the cancer in your brain playing tricks with your mind, I'm god, and I command you to jump into your nearest polar bear enclosure." Jacob was annoyed that he'd have to spend a large portion of his winnings going to the zoo, but then he remembered...

 

[Telcontar]

... that he could talk to animals. A gift he realized he had, after watching Dr. Dolittle. But why, Polar Bear? Were they in trouble? Were they being subjected to an experiment that was to teleport them to a mysterious island?

He visited the zoo and jumped into the Polar Bear enclosure to find out...

 

[Joe]

...They weren't even real Polar Bears!

The zoo had been lying to everyone and in an attempt to gain more visitors they had painted a pair of ordinary bears white! The nerve of some people. Just then he heard a sound...

 

[Telcontar]

It was coming from his pocket. It was a phone. But it wasn't his. It was an Android. Questions raced through his mind.

Caller: Remember me?

The voice sounded familiar.

Jacob: I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you're looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you.

Caller: Yo yo yo! Chill man. We shared a bed back at the Salvation Army.

Jacob: Oh hey! What's up!

Caller: We took the wrong phones man. I have your iPhone here. Lets meet at "..."

Jacob jumped out of the Polar Bear enclosure, and took a cab to the address. It was an abandoned warehouse. He was afraid. Very afraid. He took a step in and "BOOM!"...

 

[Telcontar]

He triggered a Claymore and died. The end.

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

[Only it wasn't the end - psych! Stephen Moffat steps in

Jacob's doctors had been mistaken when they diagnosed the cancer in his brain. What, on the MRI scan, had appeared to be an apricot-sized tumour was in fact an alien life form that had been imprisoned in his brain by its own planet's Ecumenical Justice Council for refusing to divulge a secret that could destroy the universe. The alien EJC believe they could use this secret in a controlled fashion in order to annihilate their age-long enemies, the gelatinous tetrahedron people known as the Hrynyshyn.

When the Doctor (as opposed to Jacob's oncologists) realised this important fact, he jumped into the Tardis with Donna Noble and Mickey and arrived at the empty warehouse moments before Jacob entered, thus....

 

[Telcontar]

preventing the claymore from ever going off! When he realised that the person who saved him from certain death was the Doctor, the alien lifeform started talking:

He said, I'm from Mars and I come in peace
I have something to ask and it's not discrete
There's a mutated strain in our DNA helix
And you three kids are the ones who can heal it