Dan Brown's new book, "Inferno" - funniest review ever

Flintlock

Pro Adventurer
That's a great review. The best I've seen yet.

But we all know that the quality of the book - or lack thereof - will have no bearing on its sales. Just look at the Da Vinci Code; that was pretty rubbish (play the first Broken Sword game if you want a Templars-themed adventure, it's much more fun) but still sold in huge quantities. I borrowed it from a friend to read it. I just felt like I was two steps ahead of the protagonists the whole time; it would take them three chapters to work out that some text needed to be held up to a mirror, or to crack a simple numerical code which I had spotted immediately. Not much suspense in that.
 

Octo

KULT OF KERMITU
AKA
Octo, Octorawk, Clarky Cat, Kissmammal2000
Tears are streaming down the front of my spoonlike face :lol:
 

Cthulhu

Administrator
AKA
Yop
Whoever wrote that article must be a renowned author and deserves a four-poster bed in his $10 million house. Pulchritudinous.
 

Unlucky

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN
Resisting the urge to read it because I'm planning to read the book despite the reviews :desu:
 

Hisako

消えないひさ&#
AKA
Satsu, BRIAN BLESSED, MIGHTY AND WISE Junpei Iori: Ace Detective, Maccaffrickstonson von Lichtenstafford Frabenschnaben, Polite Krogan, Robert Baratheon
36742054.jpg
 

Ⓐaron

Factiō Rēpūblicāna dēlenda est.
AKA
The Man, V
This really isn't a review of the book at all. It's just a parody of Dan Brown's writing style. Pretty funny, but it doesn't really say anything about the content of the book at all (apart from the writing style), and certainly won't spoil any plot details or anything.
 

The Twilight Mexican

Ex-SeeD-ingly good
AKA
TresDias
This really isn't a review of the book at all. It's just a parody of Dan Brown's writing style. Pretty funny, but it doesn't really say anything about the content of the book at all (apart from the writing style), and certainly won't spoil any plot details or anything (apart from the writing style).

Ya missed one. :monster:
 

Ⓐaron

Factiō Rēpūblicāna dēlenda est.
AKA
The Man, V
Yeah, obviously a lot of features of his writing are exaggerated for humorous effect. His prose is certainly simplistic, but obviously not that simplistic. Still funny though.
 

Unlucky

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN
Renowned author Dan Brown gazed admiringly at the pulchritudinous brunette’s blonde tresses, flowing from her head like a stream but made from hair instead of water and without any fish in.

zomg dying
 

Danseru-kun

Pro Adventurer
I haven't read the book myself but I learned that Dan Brown mentioned Manila here in a very negative light.

In "Inferno," the fourth part in Harvard art professor Robert Langdon’s adventures, one of the characters goes through "the gates of hell" in Manila.

The description of the city is from the first-hand account of one of the fictional characters, the messianic Dr. Sienna Brooks.

Brooks, who has been working with humanitarian groups, went to the Philippines for a mission to supposedly feed poor fishermen and farmers on the countryside.

She expected the Philippines to be a “wonderland of geological beauty, with vibrant seabeds and dazzling plains.”

Upon setting foot in Manila, however, Brooks could only "gape in horror" as "she had never seen poverty on this scale."
She said her “dark depression” flooded back, with pictures of poverty and crime flashing through her eyes.

“For every one person Sienna fed, there were hundreds more who gazed at her with desolate eyes,” the book read.

One after the other, the book described chaotic Manila: "six-hour traffic jams, suffocating pollution, horrifying sex trade."

The book described the sex industry as consisting mostly of young children “many of whom had been sold to pimps by parents who took solace in knowing that at least their children would be fed.”

“All around her, she could see humanity overrun by its primal instinct for survival…When they face desperation…human beings become animals,” the book read.
The book went on to detail a turning point in Brooks’ life. “I’ve run through the gates of hell,” she said.

Traumatized, Brooks “left the Philippines at once, without even saying goodbye to the other members of the group.”
source: http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/lifestyle/05/21/13/dan-brown-calls-manila-gates-hell-novel


Now this REALLY OFFENDS ME. Again, I need to read the actual text but here are my impressions so far.

1. I would agree that Manila is one of the worst cities and I hate going in that city. But the six-hour traffic jam is NOT true. THAT'S EXAGGERATED.
2. Manila is a big city, there are poor areas, and there are business districts. I have the list of all depressed areas and the make less than a fifth of Manila.
3. I would agree that there are rapists, pickpockets, child prostitution in the Philippines, but it's not the type that will slam to your face as soon as you set foot in the country.
4. MANILA DOESN'T REPRESENT THE PHILIPPINES- it's a beautiful place with beaches and islands and culturally diverse people. ONE OF THE WORST PLACES IS MANILA GET THE F- OUT OF MANILA IF YOU HATE IT
5. Yes, Philippines is a very poor nation, but it's mostly income poverty and extreme poverty is minimal. There are cases of malnutrition here but none ever died here of starvation. If Dan Brown wants to see extreme poverty where people die of starvation GET OUT OF MY COUNTRY
6. Ever heard of volunteers being gang-raped and slaughtered here? Well I'm sure they exist but how many traumatized charity workers exit this country because it's so terrible?

*RAGE*
 

Danseru-kun

Pro Adventurer
What should I expect? Haha you're right Lic. At least Bourne Legacy wasn't offensive but some of the way it portrays my country is funny.

Seriously, I have never seen a good Filipino representation in any Hollywood or English written novels outside the Philippines, there are "okays" but never good. Seriously Dan Brown you had time to research all those religious symbols and histories and conspiracies and you didn't even attempt to be culturally sensitive at a short portion of your novel? Using Manila to represent the Philippines is like using Islamic extremists to represent Muslims.
 

Unlucky

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN
I've yet to read the book to form an opinion, but from the looks of it this just seems like the usual 'Westerner goes to an exotic part of the world for a mission and thinks it's a shithole' case, as I've seen/read so many times before. There might be a hint of truth in it, as the author might be projecting personal experience/ has done good research but I understand how people might find it offensive.

Anyway, Manila may not be the prettiest place to some. It is what it is. Traffic jams, pollution and crime everywhere. Even as a local I was scared to set foot in that place, though overtime I was able to go there alone and trek the crowded streets of Quiapo* alone (the place for pirated films :desu: ). I just kept in mind to walk fast and keep away from people, as it's a known modus of thieves to slash your bag (or you) for valuables.

And yes some parts of Manila are very different from what I described. Generally Philippines is a poverty-stricken place with third world problems but I don't believe it's a total shithole, no.

*Danseru, is the place still running or has Lim successfully wiped it out? :closedmonster:
 

Danseru-kun

Pro Adventurer
^

Erap won the elections in Manila and I doubt things would change, it's as shitty as it is. Yes the traffic jam sucks and the city hall looks like a WWII relic

The last time I visited Divisoria/Quiapo it's the same as my visit years ago, cheap, cheap products everywhere. Lots of Koreans now there. And oh... last year Tutuban mall was burned down and just weeks ago the Divisoria mall also burned down. I hope 168 will remain hahahaha

Nothing changes :monster:
 

Unlucky

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN
Erap won the elections in Manila and I doubt things would change, it's as shitty as it is. Yes the traffic jam sucks and the city hall looks like a WWII relic

To be fair to Erap he was a good mayor in his San Juan days.. but then again SJ is a small city. Let's see if he can take on Manila :desu:

Lim is a crime fighter though. Exactly what Manila needed.

The last time I visited Divisoria/Quiapo it's the same as my visit years ago, cheap, cheap products everywhere. Lots of Koreans now there. And oh... last year Tutuban mall was burned down and just weeks ago the Divisoria mall also burned down. I hope 168 will remain hahahaha

Nothing changes :monster:

Burned down? By accident? I'm not a Divisoria shopper but the first (and last) time I went there I was amazed. EVERYTHING you need is in that place.

Quiapo will always be the place dearest to me, I still can't believe I used to go there til dark xD I remember I had two other BFFs and we went to a fortuneteller just to see what it's like xD
 

Unlucky

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN
triple poast, fuck the police:

33 chapters and I now fully appreciate what this funny review is getting at. I have some issues with the plot, but let me just say, the writing style is just... unbelievably bad. Dan Brown isn't really one to use much flowery vocabulary and his style has always been 'simplistic', but this one is straight up uncreative, bland, and has the diction of an 8 year old. It's almost like I'm reading a Robert Langdon fanfiction where he loses all his wit and humor and everyone likes saying the obvious.

This parody nailed it.


:facepalm5:
 
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