FFVII CHARACTER SMACKDOWN - The Neutrals Championship

If the Chocobo Sage is, indeed, A Weeble, then surely his bones are made of same cheap, flimsy plastic that has broken the heart of baby Fancy many a time *shakea fists*. He lives in his solitude because partaking in regular society is not an option. He’d fall apart. The purple getup he has on now can barely hold his brittle self together even now.

You’ve tried to paint Domino as a stinky fool, but you should go back to school! This smackdown is a matter of the minds! And who would win in this match? The brittle-plastic boned Sage who literally runs out of things that he remembers and can recall to Cloud and Co. rendering himself useless in the corner, or Domino, who clearly is a sharp man who enjoys mental challenges and games, hence why he came up with his password system in the first place. Domino would only need to trick the old wacko into forfeiting the fight. He’d make him sign a paper agreeing to the defeat—it isn’t as though he’d hold on to his wits long enough to remember the terms and conditions.
Ergo, V
Are you implying that chocobo save is a glitch in the matrix or some sort of hairy immortal god?

That said in terms of ability to defeat the other in battle we know the mayor is the epitome of disgruntled employee. Don't know about you guys but anytime I do a run-through his word is always BOMB!
Now what does this mean for our lil hairy weeble?
It means while he's out gathering nuts and herbs the mayor is planting enough c4 under his house to make even ruby weapon regret messing with him.

The mayor albeit a figurehead still has access to funds/items, what does the sage have? Nuts and not even the variety that will help him survive because that hair has totally rendered them useless.


This marks the end of round 1-11!

Spectators (and the audience!*) have 24 hours to cast their votes (either by posting in this thread or messaging me privately) for the champion that they have been swayed to stand behind. Your judges are...

Clement Rage
solo player sab

At this time, spectators and audience members are allowed to post their thoughts on the match. Players are NOT ALLOWED to counter any of these comments with new arguments or to continue ‘battling’ in general. Any attempt to do so will count as an automatic loss for your team. Players are free, however, to pay compliments to your opponents and such. ^^


If you’d like to opt out of participating in the next round, tell me during the 24 voting period.. Otherwise, I’m going to assume you’re still playing and you’re going to be reshuffled into a new team.

In General

If anyone (players, spectators, audience, anyone) has any feedback, questions, or concerns regarding the rules, please post that in the master thread here. It’ll be easier for me to keep track of/find your feedback this way for future reference. Thank you!

Any non-participant who’d like to be shuffled into a team, please say so now.



Too Angry™
Wow yes what a fantastic and exciting round I was kept at the edge of my seat and as a true spectator of this round I want to congratulate all on a wonderful round however I will have to reward this round's win to the Chocobo Sage for their deft and well-thought arguments I am thoroughly persuaded but brava to all!
LOL these last two rounds have been loads of fun and my only regret is that I haven’t had much time to fight for my champions :wacky: which is a shame given that these recent champs all had oodles of potential. The counter arguments have been cracking me up though. b b cummings last poems, the WEEBLE video. Kudos to my teammate for Snoop Dog remix lmfao.

OMG I am hyped for the dolphin match tho. Idk when it’s coming up but it’s gonna be with this batch-o-nine. :megusta:
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Joe, Arcana
Absolute banter. Both the poems, the idk rap from Ergo and by god that weebl comparison. Some fairly decent arguments made and countered too. Kudos both sides. If I could vote for you both I would.
But I can't so:

Chocobo Sage!

Honestly the Weebl thing had me in stitches. And not like that fake, soundless laughter. I laughed loud. At work. And hell it's damn accurate too. :monster:
^oh, that's nice

lmfao I pretty much had the same reaction, too, tho. I was in the midst of watching the weeble video and started howling like a maniac. It was just such an absurd, surreal moment taking in that absurd, surreal argument. XD Brilliant.

Can't wait to see if the other judges agree.....
I wish I knew enough about poetry to give these entries the analysis they deserve. I feel bad about this, because the other side gave good arguments, but I'm afraid I have to make it unanimous and declare Chocobo Sage victorious.

Though there's still technically time for other votes to be put in.... but for now....



I'm gonna wait till the late afternoon on Friday my time to post the next battle post in order to give Interface (can I call you that??) a proper chance to play tehehehehe.
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Thank you to spectators and audience members who voted!



✧・゚: *✧・゚:*LicoriceAllsorts*:・゚✧*:・゚✧

Thank you everyone who participated!!

The following will be rolled into new teams. Let me know if you think this is whack and would like to me removed/added. :mon:

  • BforB
  • Ergo
  • Fancy
  • InterfaceLeader (weekends)
  • LicoriceAllsorts
  • Minato

Again, I’m gonna wait a least a day to post the next battle, so enjoy the breather! Ciao~
ROUND 1-12

Round 1-12

Your Teams...



Your Champions...


The Location...

Junon Bar

Butch - A shopkeeper in Costa del Sol who’d like to find a gorgeous chick to have a great time with...
Are you ready Team Chocobo?

EDK - A kidnapper of princesses who is weakened by the power of love...
Are you ready Team Moogle?


The countdown begins when the first team player posts!
Butch - do you think his momma christened our dude with that name? It's his nickname. He earned it. Butch by name, butch by nature.

And if there's one thing our butch Butch is overflowing with, it's LOVE. He's got so much love and no one to give it to; all he wants is to get himself a beautiful girl and have a good time. There's so much love in Butch's heart, there's no room left for hate, bitterness or resentment. When Yuffie runs off with his money and materia, he just shrugs his shoulders and says he should have known it was too good to be true. A true type B personality, it's true that Butch isn't the world's greatest businessman - but is money what makes the world go round? No! The secret is love.

And what is the only thing that can defeat the evil dragon king? You know it: LOVE!


Too Angry™
Butch may be a cute, weirdly attractive tiny bald man but can love defend him against a fire-breathing dragon? The Evil Dragon King eats human 'tatoes like Butch for breakfast!

The Evil Dragon King is a kidnapper of princesses. His bio says he has a 'weakness for love' but as we all know, when we can identify our own weaknesses we know how to put up our defense mechanisms to avoid confronting those feelings and letting them relegate us to vulnerability. EDK knows that shit, he's been to therapy, he's talked to the psychic network, so when the Evil Dragon King is done with Butch,

Sad, tasteless baked tater with extra oregano, amirite?​

Awwwwwww yeaaaah!

Let the record show that the battle phase of Round 1-12 was initiated by Team Chocobo on 30 June, 01:57 GMT.

All players have until...
2 July 01:57 GMT
...to sway their spectators.

Here's a link to a time zone converter in case anyone needs it.

Best of luck!

Ahem, ahem!

Contrary to how he looks, the EDK is a frail character who not only has a history of being nauseated by love, but he is easily disoriented by things such as disorder and being kissed on some randy.

Lo! Witness how he reacts to Cloud deviating from the play’s intended trajectory!

When Cloud chooses to Defeat the King

EDK said:
What ho! Do you dare ignore the Evil Dragon King!?
O_O! Take a chill pill, dragon boy!

Let’s look at what happens when Cloud kisses the EDK

EDK said:
And that’s when EDK turns into gasp!!!! Beautiful Girl!!

Having been trapped in the body of a dragon for so long, Beautiful Girl would be bursting with gratitude for Butch’s assistance in liberating her from her curse of working this shitty, exhausting job where she has to dress in hot costumes and deal with randos. Being that the EDK would technically be no more at this point, Butch would technically have won.


Too Angry™
Oh, so you're saying that the Beautiful Girl as the Evil Dragon King would just automatically allow Butch to kiss her just like that? Just because he offers to "liberate" her? What about her agency? What if she doesn't want to be liberated? Now that is just some patriarchal bullshit ASSumption over here.

Now listen here, you sad hashbrown lookin' ass fuck, even in its Beautiful Girl form, the Evil Dragon King wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot butterfly net now that you've shown your true entitled Incel colours. Oooooooh boy you in trouble now. Not only does the Evil Dragon King have the breath to turn you into french fries, to my recollection,
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A dragon and a merchant met in a bar.

"GAAAAHHHH!" said the dragon and belched out a flame.

The merchant drew himself to his full height - which wasn't much. "Love!" the merchant said. "Love vanquishes the dragon! Quick, find me a girl to kiss!"

The only two women in the bar looked at each other, and then quietly finished their drinks and left without a word.

"Make it a quick and don't break anything," the bartender said. "You know the Turks love this bar, and would be pissed if anything happened to it."

"I'll have you know they call me Butch for a reason," the merchant said to the dragon, his chest (and belly) puffed, sweat gathering on his brow.

"I do enjoy an ironic nickname," the dragon replied, then balled up his mighty claw and punched the merchant right the moustache.

"Shiva's tit, that hurt," said the merchant, after he picked himself back up and dusted off his jacket. "Screw this for a game of Chocobos, I'm just a shopkeeper! I'm heading back to Costa Del Sol, where the girls have such low standards they even like that creepy scientist. Adios, dragon! Enjoy the spoils of your victory, whatever they are!"
A potato, you say?

By day a mild-mannered materia salesman at the famous Costa del Sol resort, when danger strikes, Butch transforms into

Super Potato

Faster than a speeding zolom, more powerful than a behemoth, able to leap over evil dragon kings at a single bound....

Look, up in the sky! It's a garuda! No, it's an airship! No, it's - Super Potato!

Biff! Pow! Take that, EDK! The defeated enemy lies quivering at Super Potato's silk-booted feet, waiting for the local constabulary to come and take him away.

What? You don't believe me? Surely you know that before scientists experiment on human beings, protocol dictates that they must experiment on all sorts of non-human cells. Yes - Super Potato had the tragic beginnings we have come to expect from a FFVII hero. He was accidentally grown in one of Hojo's dishes - not a petrie dish, but a plate from the Shinra canteen, left forgotten under a pile of computer printer-outs - his genetic inheritance a mix of Jenova cells, raw mako, mashed potato, chocobo gravy, and some drops that fell on the plate when Heidegger sneezed. Narrowly escaping an early death in the canteen's deep-fat chip fryer by growing a pair of legs and running away, Butch grew up fending for himself in the ventilation shafts of the Shinra building, a feral potato-child who had never known a mother's love.

When he was a teenager he was discovered by Veld of the Turks rummaging through one of the departmental rubbish bins in search of discarded spliffs. Realising Butch had a unique set of skills they could use, Veld adopted Butch and trained him for several years, partnering him with Tseng. Tseng became very attached to his spud buddy; the mean streak he displayed in later years is down to the fact that he never got over losing his beloved Butch.

Because Super-Potato had eyes... lots of eyes... He could see that what Shinra and the Turks were doing was morally impermissible, and he wanted no part of it. So he staged his own death in a raid on a crisp factory (if Turks never eat crisps, you know why) and embarked on the hobo life, using the skills he'd acquired in his time with the department to earn a living as a monster hunter and materia trainer.

Time and fate eventually brought him to the sunny shores of Costa del Sol, where he found a lifestyle he could believe in, dedicated to love, friendship, and pleasure. He's always careful to put on plenty of Factor 50 before he goes out on the beach, because you know what'll happen if he doesn't. He'll PEEL.

So as you can see, Butch aka Super-Potato has plenty to fight for and the skills with which to do it! He's not going to let the Evil Dragon King take his wonderful life away from him! Never will Super-Potato allow EVIL to triumph. He fights for truth, for justice, and for the Costa del Sol way!
Oh, so you're saying that the Beautiful Girl as the Evil Dragon King would just automatically allow Butch to kiss her just like that? Just because he offers to "liberate" her? What about her agency? What if she doesn't want to be liberated? Now that is just some patriarchal bullshit ASSumption over here.
Ho Ho Ho! That is exactly what I’m saying! For her words after Cloud kisses her hand in lieu of Aeris’(or Tifa’s) are such:

Beautiful Girl said:
Thank...you. You've released me...from the spell and I am back to my normal self...
Just as she had the agency to refuse the advantages of our spuddy hero, she has the agency to accept (and for good reason!)

Now listen here, you sad hashbrown lookin' ass fuck, even in its Beautiful Girl form, the Evil Dragon King wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot butterfly net now that you've shown your true entitled Incel colours. Oooooooh boy you in trouble now. Not only does the Evil Dragon King have the breath to turn you into french fries, to my recollection,
Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk! Wrong again!

As you have observed, this Beautiful Girl resides in the Gold Saucer, where she hangs out with Noppo and the gang after work to gossip about customers and maybe do the horizontal time warp. That’s their business! The material point being: she lives in Gold Saucer on that mid, east side of the middle continent, far and away from Mideel.

Why do I bring up Mideel?

Because that’s where the balls grabbin’ ass-kickin’, eyeball scoopin’ Beautiful Girl lives. You’ve mistaken the number one gangster in all of Mideel for her soft-natured, dreamy-eyed, creative cousin, who left the family home with dreams of becoming a big actress! But lo and behold, she’s only managed to snag a small gig as a minor character in a low budget play in this sketchy amusement park for the time being. She fucking hates putting on that dragon king getup. It’s hot, it obscures her vision, and it positively reeks under the burning stage lights. But, hey, it pays the bills! So, yes, I’m sure she’d be more than relieved and thankful for any excuse to get out of that costume every once in a while on the clock. It sure beats the hell out of the randos they invite up on stage taking a swing at her, caught up as they are in the roleplay.

And we should expect nothing less out of a super hero! I’m sure he sensed her turmoil from the start, looking past the scaly green monstrosity and seeing who she is inside. T-T
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