How is this going to work? They're all in different universes. Shall we just ignore that fact and pretend it's one big world?
Look, I'll start, but if it doesn't grab anyone, just go on with something different.
Here we go:
"This company is an incestuous hotbed of homosexual iniquity," Rufus muttered to himself as he turned away from the window. "I have to break free." His resolve hardened (amongst other things), he strode swiftly to his desk, sat down in his ornate, priceless antique armchair carved from the wood of the endangered Wutai musk-willow, took a creamy sheet of paper, dipped his gold fountain pen in the ink, and began to write, in his flowing cursive script:
Young white blond male, 6', independently wealthy, inexperienced but curious, WLTM men aged 18-35, ethnicity immaterial, to expand social circle and whatever may come from that. Interests include cat, guns, masterminding boardroom coups, haute couture and light opera. Discretion guaranteed.
Rufus folded the letter, put it in an envelop, taunted the rough stickiness of the envelope's rim with his voluptuous tongue, sealed it firmly down, and pressed the buzzer on his intercom.
Some time later, Reno burst into the room, having managed to tear himself away from his regular Wednesday afternoon threesome with Rude and Tseng in the materia cupboard on the Turks' floor. In this instance, he had torn himself away quite literally - the broken fur handcuffs were still dangling from his wrists. But no matter. Reno was always willing to come for his darling Vice President. Pulling up his trousers with one hand, and snapping the googles into place with the other, he slunk up to Rufus and purred, "You wanted me, sir?"
"Not in that sense, no," Rufus replied, regarding the slender, disheveled yet ravishingly sexy redheaded assassin with icy disapproval. "I would like you to take this letter and deliver it to the classified department of the Midgar Times."
"Can do, boss," Reno smirked knowingly. "What's it about?"
Rufus raised a haughty gold eyebrow. "That's classified."
"Okey-dokey. How about a quick one for the road?"
"Just go," said Rufus wearily.
The arrow has left the bow of the goddess, he thought to himself as he watched Reno run off, absent-mindedly admiring the way the snug cut of the standard issue Turk trousers enhanced the pertness of the crimson-haired charmer's buttocks. Now we will just have to wait and see...
*********
So - will anyone answer Rufus' lonely hearts ad? Will he be able to expand his romantic horizons beyond Shinra? Tune in next time for....
