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Old 05/24/2018   #284

FancySycamoreTree wrote: Ohayo.

That means ‘good morning’ in Japanese. I’m gonna keep misusing it cuz it’s the only greeting I know in Japanese. Besides, it’s always the morning somewhere eh??

Anyway, because Minato decided to opt out, I’ve decided to step in and help Moogle, rendering me incapable of spectating.

Oh, Brigitta.
Can I call you B?
I think I’ll you B.

A drooping, limp, flaccid old man, eh? Oh, no, no, no. Little known fact about our humble little fellow here is that long before he was a Kalm Traveller, in his youth, he was the Wutai Traveller. He travelled extensively, specifically, in the wild and untamed beauty of Southern Wutai. There, he came across and was eventually adopted by a clan of martial artists that specialised in a form that is thousands and thousands of years old. They call this form: Wu-fu.

They taught him many things in that clan: patience, using your wit as well as your strength, endurance, and, you know, how to kick some booty if the time arises.

Actual pictures of his actual journey that actually exist




Trying his hand

Being a baws

My opponents cry, ‘Aha!! So if you’re saying he’s a fighting man, why doesn’t he go out himself to get kick butt and get these items??’

Because he has more important things to do!! As he learnt in Wutai, life is not all about proving how strong one is. He was wise enough to know that it would be easier and faster to ask for outside assistance in obtaining these items. He’s not a boaster! He ain’t too proud!
Wow! If this was a fake news smackdown, there's no denying Kalm Traveller would win easy. He sure knows how to doctor photos. Too bad he can't conjure up an elixir of youth for himself. There's nothing sadder than the old geezer who moans, as he's hitting the mat for the third time, "You know, sonny, in my day I could have taken you on with one hand tied behind my back." Yeah, but your day was somewhere in the middle ages, grandpa.

Unlike our Joe here….

LicoriceAllsorts is right—Joe is one of the worlds finest athletes. And boy does he know it. He wants *you* to know it, too.

Look at him.

Is all that get-up necessary? A total peacock this one!
Jockeys don't get to choose what they wear. They have to wear the colours of their mount's owner. That's their job, just like footballers have to wear their team's kit. Because - that's right - Joe is a pro athlete.

Joe might’ve had a hard-knock life at the beginning, but what has he done since his fame? Who has he become? A narcissistic, womanizer who thinks much too much about his apperance and rides on the success of the true star of the chocobo races, Teioh.
Gold Saucer is the Grand National and the Kentucky Derby of chocobo racing. When you're competing at this level, the quality of the rider matters as much as the quality of the bird.

Oh, yes, he can be a gentleman—when he wants to be.

The fight would play out like so—Joe, first of all, would be bothered and temperamental upon realising that he’s been whisked away to an unfamiliar and, most important, dirty land. He spent some time being in the bottom rung, he shan’t go back again! He would then see the Kalm Traveller, smiling at him gently, for he has long learnt to keep his cool in unsettling situations.
Joe's spent plenty enough time around chocobo stables to be used to dirt. It doesn't faze him. Nothing fazes him: he has nerves of steel. You have to be able to keep your head at all times when you're dealing with highly-strung, powerful chocobos racing at speeds that would cause you serious injury if you made a mistake or fell.

How exactly has the old man long learned to keep his cool?

Joe would demand to know who he is, what are they doing here, and where by the Planet is his assistant?? The older man would look around, shrug, and resume smiling.

Joe would puff once and continue to ramble on trivial shit that annoys him, treating each problem as though it could mean the end of his world. The old man is unphased—he’s lived a long, full life. An overgrown brat isn’t going to shake him now. He’d turn around, observing his environment. Joe would notice…

H-how dare he?? Does the old bastard even know who he is???? He’s J O E.

The young jockey would march right up to him to throw a punch with the old man’s back turned because that’s what bullies and cowards do. Ah, but the old man would sense this and side-step, and scuff Joe’s shoes immediately afterwards.

“HEY!” Joe would exclaim, more outraged at the damage to his new cleats (??) than the fact that he missed his punch. He’d try to hit the Kalm Traveller again and the Traveller remains….wait for it…..Kalm. (badum-tsh). He side-steps and dodges Joes advances until the young man has worn himself out.

“S-stand still and fight like a man, you bastard!” he’d cry, panting for breath. That’s when the Kalm Traveller would raise a brow and decide that enough is enough. He would take a deep breath, bend his knees, ready his hands and WHACK, WHACK. He’d strike his windpipe and the side of Joe’s head, knocking him to the ground. And Joe would be too breathless to stand up and the Traveller would place a single foot on Joe’s head.

Joe would, between gasps, that demand that the bastard gets off of him.

“Admit defeat, and I’ll let you free.” he’d say kalmly.

“Never!” Joe would cry and the Traveller would dig in his heel just a little more.

“Ow! OW! Okay, you bastard! You win! Let me up!”

The Traveller would do just that and, just as he suspected, Joe would try to fight dirty and take another swing at the Traveller again. The Traveller would knock him out, look at him briefly, sniff, then walk away.


Considering the fact that Joe is widely known as a gentleman, and considering the calm and polite way he handled finding Cloud in the weighing room with his lady-love Ester, one can only applaud the above as a fantastical work of total fiction.

Joe is consulting his lawyer about the slander. Bully, indeed!

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LicoriceAllsorts is offline   Reply With Quote
Thanked by 2:
BforBrigitta (05/24/2018), f a n c y (05/24/2018)