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Old 05/22/2018   #271
Channy
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fuck me why do I keep getting the nameless wonders?
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So, why do you come here?
Same as you, I think. I've been here a lot...
You must have a lot going on your mind, I suppose.
Yeah, but I'd rather have nothing for a change. How do you do it?
Well, it comes with practice. I can think of nothing.
I do not feel the need to occupy my mind with nonsense, just to avoid thinking about what really matters.

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Old 05/23/2018   #272
LicoriceAllsorts
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Chocobo Joe, the greatest living jockey on the planet. Did you know that, pound for pound, jockeys are the world's strongest athletes? Let's see what science has to say:

"Competitive horse chocobo racing requires both aerobic and anaerobic fitness... Racing is a physically demanding sport."
from "The Health and Performance Characteristics of Current and Retired
Jockeys in Ireland Gold Saucer", a doctoral thesis at Dublin City University Junon Polytechnique


Not only is Chocobo Joe the world's top jockey, which means he's the world's fittest and strongest athlete, but he is also skilful at fighting monsters, as witnessed by the NPC in Crisis Core who was rescued from monsters by Joe somewhere in the badlands between Midgar and Kalm.

On top of all this, he's a true gentleman who fights by Queensbery rules!

An aged antique collector stands no chance against him, but at least Joe will do him as little damage as possible.
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Old 05/23/2018   #273
f a n c y
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YOOOOO!!


Let the record show that the battle phase of Round 1-6 was initiated by Team Chocobo on 23rd May, 08:45 GMT.

All players have until...
25th May, 08:45 GMT
...to sway their spectators.

Here's a link to a time zone converter in case anyone needs it.

Best of luck!

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Old 05/23/2018   #274
Ergo
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LicoriceAllsorts wrote: Chocobo Joe, the greatest living jockey on the planet. Did you know that, pound for pound, jockeys are the world's strongest athletes? Let's see what science has to say:

"Competitive horse chocobo racing requires both aerobic and anaerobic fitness... Racing is a physically demanding sport."
from "The Health and Performance Characteristics of Current and Retired
Jockeys in Ireland Gold Saucer", a doctoral thesis at Dublin City University Junon Polytechnique


Not only is Chocobo Joe the world's top jockey, which means he's the world's fittest and strongest athlete, but he is also skilful at fighting monsters, as witnessed by the NPC in Crisis Core who was rescued from monsters by Joe somewhere in the badlands between Midgar and Kalm.

On top of all this, he's a true gentleman who fights by Queensbery rules!

An aged antique collector stands no chance against him, but at least Joe will do him as little damage as possible.

Interesting fact finding there but the reality is that these studies state that jockeys are pound for pound strong. The average weight for jockeys is around the 180 mark whereas an NFL player is close to the 300 pound mark. Pound for pound differences then show that NFL player is gonna snap the jockey like a toothpick. Joe being the best in the world also suggests he may be even lighter than the average.

So that's weight and muscle mass covered, now lets talk about height. To quote fancy in early posts the average jockey height is that of an ankle biter. The average height being around 4ft 2, meaning not only is he useless in battles with taller opponents but he can't even reach the cookies on the top shelf.

That said the kalm traveller is a bit of a mystery, he is a noted traveller of the world and holds some of the rarest artifacts known to man. How did he get these you may wonder?
It wasn't from sitting on the back of chocobo and reaping the benefits of it being faster than the rest. He got these treasures from his own accomplishments.

So if were talking about who would win my money is always gonna be on the old man with years worth of experience in being a badass over the pampered show pony sitting in the gold saucer growing fat and lazy as he basks in his current accomplishments.
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Deep into that darkness peering,
long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting,
dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.
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Old 05/23/2018   #275
Minato
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I'm gonna have to opt out for a while, I'm very sorry to my teammates and opponents.
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Old 05/23/2018   #276
LicoriceAllsorts
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Nice try, Ergo, but everybody knows you don't get to be the world's most famous jockey by being either fat or lazy.

What we DO know is that the way you get to be a jockey is by spending some time in Corel prison. You have to be the strongest of the strong to earn the right to travel up with Ester and take your chances on the Gold Saucer racetrack. And you have to be the strongest of the strongest of the strong to win a name as the greatest jockey of all.

It's true we don't know anything about the Old Traveller of Kalm. We do know that he's old. The fighting skills of his salad days are just a memory. We don't even know for sure that he's a traveller. He might have collected all his objects by trading rather than travelling. All we know for sure is that he plans to go on a journey after he finishes trading with Cloud:

"I guess it's time to go on a journey for the souls of my departed friends......"

That kind of journey sounds more like a pilgrimage, a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing, than a regular habit of his.
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Old 05/23/2018   #277
Ergo
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LicoriceAllsorts wrote: Nice try, Ergo, but everybody knows you don't get to be the world's most famous jockey by being either fat or lazy.

REAL ATHLETES HAVE CURVES

That said let's touch on a few of the things you stated previously. You mention that Joe is a legitimately nice guy. Would a nice guy stab an old man in an area that only has a rope to allow access to it's safe haven? Or would the nice guy Joe more than likely offer to help the man up into fort condor itself so he can rest?

I think the latter is more believable, and that's exactly why he will lose. Never underestimate an old person, they are angry and bitter at the youth of today and given the opportunity will shank you mid climb up a rope ladder with little regard for the concequence.

Our man is old, he probably doesn't have long left all could be argued as points against him but in truth that just makes him more dangerous. He has nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking on Joe. The guy is rich and probably carries a tonne of Gil on him. Our man could retire to the Costa del sol easily on the funds he could pilfer from Joe's cold dead corpse.

Let's also not forget that the items our man holds are literal struggle to the death items. They come from the hardest battles in the game and without him players wouldn't know how hard their sphincter could really contract. You may be correct that he may just have traded for them, but let's think about it this way. The weapons lay sleeping in northern crater all but forgotten by the world. There is literally no mention in the game that they would reside where they appear and yet this seemingly inconcequencial character just so happens to have the keys to helping you battle them and knows that they will drop these certain items if defeated?

Maybe our guy knows more than he lets on, maybe he's far more than he seems eh?

What does he do once you get all his special items? Does he sit their and await death? No he buggers off again possibly in search of the next big item that can push the limits of fighters.
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Deep into that darkness peering,
long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting,
dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.
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Old 05/23/2018   #278
Clement Rage
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Traveller does not seem like some unscrupulous 'anything to win' person. He's quiet and contemplative, intending on going on a pilgrimage for his dead friends. If he was materialistic, he'd just charge for his items, instead he gives them away for a guidebook and a rose, clearly he's not interested in money.

He doesn't say 'go kill the the most powerful monsters you can find' either, he just says he wants specific items, probably that have some kind of sentimental value to him. He doesn't know that the most dangerous monsters in the world have a thing for rare flora and music.
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Old 05/24/2018   #279
Ergo
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Clement Rage wrote: Traveller does not seem like some unscrupulous 'anything to win' person. He's quiet and contemplative, intending on going on a pilgrimage for his dead friends. If he was materialistic, he'd just charge for his items, instead he gives them away for a guidebook and a rose, clearly he's not interested in money.

He doesn't say 'go kill the the most powerful monsters you can find' either, he just says he wants specific items, probably that have some kind of sentimental value to him. He doesn't know that the most dangerous monsters in the world have a thing for rare flora and music.

You don't just wake up one morning and think. You know what I would love to trade this super rare materia for?? A very specific rose! I don't know where it is or who holds it but I'm certain someone in the world will find this one item I have no background information on.

He asks for these items because he knows what and where they are and who holds them!

Unlike Joe who only knows to stick his arse in the air while sprinting to the finishing line.
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Deep into that darkness peering,
long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting,
dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.
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Old 05/24/2018   #280
LicoriceAllsorts
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If he's such a great fighter why doesn't he go and get those items himself? Why does he hang around in Kalm waiting for someone like Cloud to come along, someone who can actually fight?

I've been assuming that when our noble NPCs are transported to the venue, they know why they're there. Otherwise, there's no reason for Joe and the Kalm Traveller to fight at all. They'd be much more likely to trade and swap stories. In any other situation they'd get on like a house on fire.
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Old 05/24/2018   #281
f a n c y
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WHO’S IN THE LEAD??

Friendly reminder to players that as of the 24th May, 08:46 GMT, you have less than 24 hours to sway Spectators.

Here's a link to a time zone converter in case anyone needs it.

Keep on keepin’ on!

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Old 05/24/2018   #282
BforBrigitta
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As completely relevant (read: not at all) as the content of the Kalm Traveller's character, curiosity and knowledge are in a physical fight, the sagely old geezer is frail enough to be totally uninterested in a fight.

Look at this face


Spiritless. Dead inside. Old AF. He couldn't give a toot about who wins this fight. He simply knows he wouldn't win, so he wouldn't bother.

Now look at this fiery young lad!


Spunky. Fearless. Determination in his eyes. This is the look of someone who knows how to win, and wins often. If Joe has the physicality to wrangle a Chocobo and ride it into victory, then he sure as hell would know how to wrangle a drooping, limp, flaccid old man. He'd tie that rope right around the old man's arms and secure him tightly in place the way he'd secure a wild Chocobo to its post. Boom. Cornered.

Last edited by BforBrigitta; 05/24/2018 at 10:36 AM.
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Old 05/24/2018   #283
f a n c y
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Ohayo.

That means ‘good morning’ in Japanese. I’m gonna keep misusing it cuz it’s the only greeting I know in Japanese. Besides, it’s always the morning somewhere eh??

Anyway, because Minato decided to opt out, I’ve decided to step in and help Moogle, rendering me incapable of spectating.



Brigitta.
Oh, Brigitta.
Can I call you B?
I think I’ll you B.

A drooping, limp, flaccid old man, eh? Oh, no, no, no. Little known fact about our humble little fellow here is that long before he was a Kalm Traveller, in his youth, he was the Wutai Traveller. He travelled extensively, specifically, in the wild and untamed beauty of Southern Wutai. There, he came across and was eventually adopted by a clan of martial artists that specialised in a form that is thousands and thousands of years old. They call this form: Wu-fu.

They taught him many things in that clan: patience, using your wit as well as your strength, endurance, and, you know, how to kick some booty if the time arises.

Actual pictures of his actual journey that actually exist


Observing


Training



Peeping


Trying his hand


Being a baws



My opponents cry, ‘Aha!! So if you’re saying he’s a fighting man, why doesn’t he go out himself to get kick butt and get these items??’

Because he has more important things to do!! As he learnt in Wutai, life is not all about proving how strong one is. He was wise enough to know that it would be easier and faster to ask for outside assistance in obtaining these items. He’s not a boaster! He ain’t too proud!

Unlike our Joe here….

LicoriceAllsorts is right—Joe is one of the worlds finest athletes. And boy does he know it. He wants *you* to know it, too.

Look at him.


Is all that get-up necessary? A total peacock this one!

Joe might’ve had a hard-knock life at the beginning, but what has he done since his fame? Who has he become? A narcissistic, womanizer who thinks much too much about his apperance and rides on the success of the true star of the chocobo races, Teioh.

As expected with me, I have pictures….the second one may be considered mildy NSFW, but the women are technically clothed...


Inside sources say that he can spend up to a good two doing just this, blowing kisses and winking at his reflection


Disgusting



As the saying goes, you are the company that you keep


Oh, yes, he can be a gentleman—when he wants to be.

The fight would play out like so—Joe, first of all, would be bothered and temperamental upon realising that he’s been whisked away to an unfamiliar and, most important, dirty land. He spent some time being in the bottom rung, he shan’t go back again! He would then see the Kalm Traveller, smiling at him gently, for he has long learnt to keep his cool in unsettling situations.

Joe would demand to know who he is, what are they doing here, and where by the Planet is his assistant?? The older man would look around, shrug, and resume smiling.

Joe would puff once and continue to ramble on trivial shit that annoys him, treating each problem as though it could mean the end of his world. The old man is unphased—he’s lived a long, full life. An overgrown brat isn’t going to shake him now. He’d turn around, observing his environment. Joe would notice…

H-how dare he?? Does the old bastard even know who he is???? He’s J O E.

The young jockey would march right up to him to throw a punch with the old man’s back turned because that’s what bullies and cowards do. Ah, but the old man would sense this and side-step, and scuff Joe’s shoes immediately afterwards.

“HEY!” Joe would exclaim, more outraged at the damage to his new cleats (??) than the fact that he missed his punch. He’d try to hit the Kalm Traveller again and the Traveller remains….wait for it…..Kalm. (badum-tsh). He side-steps and dodges Joes advances until the young man has worn himself out.

“S-stand still and fight like a man, you bastard!” he’d cry, panting for breath. That’s when the Kalm Traveller would raise a brow and decide that enough is enough. He would take a deep breath, bend his knees, ready his hands and WHACK, WHACK. He’d strike his windpipe and the side of Joe’s head, knocking him to the ground. And Joe would be too breathless to stand up and the Traveller would place a single foot on Joe’s head.

Joe would, between gasps, that demand that the bastard gets off of him.

“Admit defeat, and I’ll let you free.” he’d say kalmly.

“Never!” Joe would cry and the Traveller would dig in his heel just a little more.

“Ow! OW! Okay, you bastard! You win! Let me up!”

The Traveller would do just that and, just as he suspected, Joe would try to fight dirty and take another swing at the Traveller again. The Traveller would knock him out, look at him briefly, sniff, then walk away.

DON’T VOTE FOR JOE, JOE! HE’S NOT AS JOEY AS YOU! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!!!
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Old 05/24/2018   #284
LicoriceAllsorts
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FancySycamoreTree wrote: Ohayo.

That means ‘good morning’ in Japanese. I’m gonna keep misusing it cuz it’s the only greeting I know in Japanese. Besides, it’s always the morning somewhere eh??

Anyway, because Minato decided to opt out, I’ve decided to step in and help Moogle, rendering me incapable of spectating.



Brigitta.
Oh, Brigitta.
Can I call you B?
I think I’ll you B.

A drooping, limp, flaccid old man, eh? Oh, no, no, no. Little known fact about our humble little fellow here is that long before he was a Kalm Traveller, in his youth, he was the Wutai Traveller. He travelled extensively, specifically, in the wild and untamed beauty of Southern Wutai. There, he came across and was eventually adopted by a clan of martial artists that specialised in a form that is thousands and thousands of years old. They call this form: Wu-fu.

They taught him many things in that clan: patience, using your wit as well as your strength, endurance, and, you know, how to kick some booty if the time arises.

Actual pictures of his actual journey that actually exist


Observing


Training



Peeping


Trying his hand


Being a baws



My opponents cry, ‘Aha!! So if you’re saying he’s a fighting man, why doesn’t he go out himself to get kick butt and get these items??’

Because he has more important things to do!! As he learnt in Wutai, life is not all about proving how strong one is. He was wise enough to know that it would be easier and faster to ask for outside assistance in obtaining these items. He’s not a boaster! He ain’t too proud!
Wow! If this was a fake news smackdown, there's no denying Kalm Traveller would win easy. He sure knows how to doctor photos. Too bad he can't conjure up an elixir of youth for himself. There's nothing sadder than the old geezer who moans, as he's hitting the mat for the third time, "You know, sonny, in my day I could have taken you on with one hand tied behind my back." Yeah, but your day was somewhere in the middle ages, grandpa.


Unlike our Joe here….

LicoriceAllsorts is right—Joe is one of the worlds finest athletes. And boy does he know it. He wants *you* to know it, too.

Look at him.


Is all that get-up necessary? A total peacock this one!
Jockeys don't get to choose what they wear. They have to wear the colours of their mount's owner. That's their job, just like footballers have to wear their team's kit. Because - that's right - Joe is a pro athlete.

Joe might’ve had a hard-knock life at the beginning, but what has he done since his fame? Who has he become? A narcissistic, womanizer who thinks much too much about his apperance and rides on the success of the true star of the chocobo races, Teioh.
Gold Saucer is the Grand National and the Kentucky Derby of chocobo racing. When you're competing at this level, the quality of the rider matters as much as the quality of the bird.


Oh, yes, he can be a gentleman—when he wants to be.

The fight would play out like so—Joe, first of all, would be bothered and temperamental upon realising that he’s been whisked away to an unfamiliar and, most important, dirty land. He spent some time being in the bottom rung, he shan’t go back again! He would then see the Kalm Traveller, smiling at him gently, for he has long learnt to keep his cool in unsettling situations.
Joe's spent plenty enough time around chocobo stables to be used to dirt. It doesn't faze him. Nothing fazes him: he has nerves of steel. You have to be able to keep your head at all times when you're dealing with highly-strung, powerful chocobos racing at speeds that would cause you serious injury if you made a mistake or fell.

How exactly has the old man long learned to keep his cool?

Joe would demand to know who he is, what are they doing here, and where by the Planet is his assistant?? The older man would look around, shrug, and resume smiling.

Joe would puff once and continue to ramble on trivial shit that annoys him, treating each problem as though it could mean the end of his world. The old man is unphased—he’s lived a long, full life. An overgrown brat isn’t going to shake him now. He’d turn around, observing his environment. Joe would notice…

H-how dare he?? Does the old bastard even know who he is???? He’s J O E.

The young jockey would march right up to him to throw a punch with the old man’s back turned because that’s what bullies and cowards do. Ah, but the old man would sense this and side-step, and scuff Joe’s shoes immediately afterwards.

“HEY!” Joe would exclaim, more outraged at the damage to his new cleats (??) than the fact that he missed his punch. He’d try to hit the Kalm Traveller again and the Traveller remains….wait for it…..Kalm. (badum-tsh). He side-steps and dodges Joes advances until the young man has worn himself out.

“S-stand still and fight like a man, you bastard!” he’d cry, panting for breath. That’s when the Kalm Traveller would raise a brow and decide that enough is enough. He would take a deep breath, bend his knees, ready his hands and WHACK, WHACK. He’d strike his windpipe and the side of Joe’s head, knocking him to the ground. And Joe would be too breathless to stand up and the Traveller would place a single foot on Joe’s head.

Joe would, between gasps, that demand that the bastard gets off of him.

“Admit defeat, and I’ll let you free.” he’d say kalmly.

“Never!” Joe would cry and the Traveller would dig in his heel just a little more.

“Ow! OW! Okay, you bastard! You win! Let me up!”

The Traveller would do just that and, just as he suspected, Joe would try to fight dirty and take another swing at the Traveller again. The Traveller would knock him out, look at him briefly, sniff, then walk away.

DON’T VOTE FOR JOE, JOE! HE’S NOT AS JOEY AS YOU! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!!!
[/quote]

Considering the fact that Joe is widely known as a gentleman, and considering the calm and polite way he handled finding Cloud in the weighing room with his lady-love Ester, one can only applaud the above as a fantastical work of total fiction.

Joe is consulting his lawyer about the slander. Bully, indeed!
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Old 05/24/2018   #285
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