FFVII CHARACTER SMACKDOWN - The Neutrals Championship

[LicoriceAllsorts]

If Chocobo Driver hates Shinra so much AND he's a Time Traveller AND he has has superhuman powers, why hasn't he travelled back in time and put a stop to Shinra's rise to power? You'd think that'd be pretty high on his list of priorities. Or later on, why doesn't he travel back in time to stop Sephiroth from summoning Meteor?

If Chocobo Driver hates Shinra so much, why is he sex-trafficking women for a man who's a known informer for the Turks?

Maybe he's in some deep cover? Some really, really, really deep cover. Dark and deep.

Solo Player, your post was much better than mine! Nice job, man.

[solo player sab]

I don't know what you heard about him
But a bitch can't get a dollar out of him
No carriage, no eyes, he can't see
This driver's nothin' but a P-I-M-P

I don't know what you heard about Lux
But a bitch can't get a hand on Lux
He's got his skills, materia, can't you see?
That he's the motherfuckin' G-O-A-T

[Minato]

solo player sab wrote:

I gotta hand it to Team Chocobo for illustrating these creative and imaginative fables about not only our noble champion, but their own as well...we, Team Moogle, applaud you!

HOWEVER!!!!

What Team Chocobo has failed to do, honorable Spectators, is provide a logical argument for their champion built upon FACTS!!!

As both of my teammates have so eloquently presented, Luxiere is not only a SOLDIER 2ND Class, but a loyal follower and comrade of the hero, Zack Fair!

Being a follower of Zack Fair (to be a comrade requires reciprocation) does not prove his solo combat prowess. Any child can repeat words he heard someone say.

As someone who has taken Zack's words as his personal motto, and as someone who has declared not once, not twice, but THRICE that he is "following [Zack] until the end," it is BLASPHEMY to claim that Luxiere is “the prime example of the complacent masses that depreciate the SOLDIER name” (Minato, 2018). In fact, Luxiere wanted nothing but to assist Zack in any way he could, offering to fill him in on the going-ons in Midgar. This is hardly complacent OR depreciative!

I don't doubt that Luxiere is capable of supplying Zack with local gossip.

We can easily surmise that Luxiere strives to be all the things that Zack was, as well as embody the ideals that Zack shared with the lower ranks. So while Luxiere may find himself in a fight to death with your local ChocoPimp, and while he may easily win, he probably won’t kill him. Like Zack, needless killing just isn’t his thing.

This is where Luxiere's actual words differ. He strives to follow Zack till the end, therefore never standing next to him as an equal.

THIS IS FALSE!!!

This wimp cruises around Sector 6, not the Planet! Unlike Luxiere and his SOLDIER comrades, of course. NEXT.

We see him exit Sector 7, with our own eyes. That you'd naysay this shows how trusted your words ought to be. Sector 6 by itself houses more dangers then the SOLDIER floor that Luxiere spend all his time on offers.

Obviously, Luxiere was among the best of his 3rd Class comrades to be promoted to 2nd Class. AND, what his last letter to Zack (that we’re aware of) tells us is that he was close to a promotion, thereby implying that he was, in fact, one of the distinguished SOLDIERs to be considered for 1st Class. So, simply put, Luxiere will KICK SOME ASS.

His last letter tells us that he has been stuck at 2nd for 6 years at least. Longer then Zack's entire career at Shinra and he does not possess the ability to change this without outside help. However he managed to reach 2nd, he peaked right then and there.

Luxiere emails Zack at least once from a helicopter taking him to an assignment, so it seems to fly in the face of the evidence to suggest he has no field experience!

It was emphasised that this was a particular time when all hands were on deck, as there were simultaneous attacks across the globe. Even then SOLDIER was not trusted to handle this alone, the infantry corps and the Turks were scrambled as well, nothing in Luxiere's time on screen show he was more then another body on hand when it's absolutely that even the last and least should try to pull their weight.

It is boosted that Luxiere embodies everything that Zack was but Zack protected Midgar, from the streets to the slums. He went out of his way to help anyone that asked and fought crime and monsters. The mere existence of the mob that has a stranglehold on Midgar below the plate five years after Zack left that the Chocobo Driver is a member off shows that Luxiere is either unwilling or incapable of filling Zack's shoes to even the most meager degree.

The Chocobo Driver is able to his job exactly because no one in Midgar either can or will stop him. That includes Luxiere.

[solo player sab]

Minato wrote:

Being a follower of Zack Fair (to be a comrade requires reciprocation) does not prove his solo combat prowess.

Neither does driving a ChocoPimpmobile yet here we are arguing it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Minato wrote:

I don't doubt that Luxiere is capable of supplying Zack with local gossip.

Gossip or not, Luxiere's earnestness to help Zack is a testament to his character - to refute your earlier statements that he was complacent and depreciates the SOLDIER name.

Minato wrote:

We see him exit Sector 7, with our own eyes.

But we don't see him exit Midgar and into the vast Planet!

Minato wrote:

That you'd naysay this shows how trusted your words ought to be.

FIGHT ME ROGER (but I still <3 you)

Minato wrote:

His last letter tells us that he has been stuck at 2nd for 6 years at least. Longer then Zack's entire career at Shinra and he does not possess the ability to change this without outside help. However he managed to reach 2nd, he peaked right then and there.

Team Moogle isn't arguing that Luxiere was ever as powerful as Zack. What we are saying, however, is that having Zack as a hero must play SOME part in his own ideals and motivations as a SOLDIER. The fact that he made 2nd class at all is telling of his skills in combat. That's more to say than a carriage driver with little credibility.

[BforBrigitta]

Bitch,

SOLDIER ain’t shit but money and tricks
Busting out “logic” like it’s gospel 'n shit
Won’t you check all ya sources, I dare ya
Research funded by mahfuckin’ Shinra, I betcha

In the words of Professor Minato, 2018
The Chocobo Driver’s unstoppable, know what I mean?
They called us fake news, babies, ChocoPimp too
They just scared of what we’ll serve em, the big hard truth

You know what my problem is it ain’t even Luxiere
There’s a greater evil here and I’m bout to share
Luxiere’s posse scream “FACTS” into the abyss
But ain’t have a problem spouting lies just to diss
HYPOCRITE

*outro*

[Elessar]

solo player sab wrote:

I don't know what you heard about him
But a bitch can't get a dollar out of him
No carriage, no eyes, he can't see
This driver's nothin' but a P-I-M-P

I don't know what you heard about Lux
But a bitch can't get a hand on Lux
He's got his skills, materia, can't you see?
That he's the motherfuckin' G-O-A-T

You know what the Chocobos are fed each morning before they start teleporting around? Mom’s Spaghetti. The very same one that has fuelled THE Rap God since his formative years. So what am I trying to say?

Our Chocobos can rap.

[BforBrigitta]

[LicoriceAllsorts]

Could you address the question of why Chocobo Driver hasn't used his superhuman time travelling powers to save the world, or at least himself, from the evils of Shinra?

Is it that he doesn't give a shit?

[solo player sab]

Luxiere is to SOLDIER as the Driver is to the DON
Pimpin hoes all night like he catchin Pokemon
Ya'll talk like Shinra is the only enemy
You know what else is tho? THE PATRIARCHY

Why nobody wanna talk about his exploitations?
Choco Driver deliverin chicks to Don's congregation
Hashtag metoo, my homie Licorice knows wasgood
Don't call us hypocrites when your boy disgraces womanhood

[BforBrigitta]

LicoriceAllsorts wrote:

Could you address the question of why Chocobo Driver hasn't used his superhuman time travelling powers to save the world, or at least himself, from the evils of Shinra?

Is it that he doesn't give a shit?

YouTube Video

[LicoriceAllsorts]

Luxiere's motto is "Embrace your dreams. And, whatever happens,
protect your SOLDIER honor."

Chocopimp's motto is, "Grab 'em by the pussy."

[BforBrigitta]

I knew that this was comin' so I just wanna address
I think it’s kind of important and causes quite some distress
Cold dissin’ is as old as all the great romances
But before you do that you gotta know his circumstances

You see, the Chocobo Driver has a family to feed
A wife and four kids he hardly ever gets to see
I ain’t talking about his eyesight, which, by the way
He can’t get another job that'll take 'em this way

I ain’t saying that the patriarchy ain’t a glarin' issue
But as the slum folks know, greed and capitalism done destroyed lives too
He wishes this job ain’t have to be so morally repugnant
But his family’s gotta survive, even if it makes him a father absent

[LicoriceAllsorts]

I can't do rap, I can only do lawyer.

It's hard to understand why a time traveller with superhuman powers and an army of hobos at his command is compelled by capitalism to drive a pimpmobile in order to keep his family from starving. Why doesn't he travel back in time, buy up great art when it was cheap, then bring it back to the future and sell it for a fortune?

No, the truth is, either he actually takes pleasure from being a small cog in the big grindstone of the flesh trade, or he's a sad, powerless little man with neither the talent nor the gumption for anything better. In which case, what insanity makes him believe he can take on a SOLDIER 2nd class and win?

[BforBrigitta]

Wow, ok...

[LicoriceAllsorts]

I see Reno was pranking people again....