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Old 05/10/2018   #91
solo player sab
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Yooo let's all remember here that this Smackdown
FancySycamoreTree wrote: The Rules
The gist of the game is this: you, the player, are going to be assigned to a team at random and then given a character at random. Then, using your creativity, you, along with your teammates, will present arguments as to why the character you were given would win in a theoretical fight against the opposing character.
is a debate on who would win in a fight - not necessarily a "fight to the death." And, considering our location, what we have in our hands here is a good ol' fashioned bar fight!

That said, I'd like to recount something my teammate so eloquently stated earlier:

Minato wrote: In the end the Time Guardian is just a puzzle [...] a big clock with an ugly face on it that needs disassembling
Exactly. There is no evidence suggesting that the Time Guardian is even capable of fighting. Yes, it controls time...but again, this is a bar fight! It may be able to speed up time, or slow it down, or reverse it, but that's not fighting. That's not whoopin' some ass. You might argue that the Time Guardian can speed up time so that Mrs. Strife passes away, or something, but again, that's not winning in a fight. That's Mrs. Strife passing away by the natural progression of life. And what are we arguing again? Who will win in a fight!?

And as our darling Fancy so kindly pointed out...

FancySycamoreTree wrote: The last I checked, the Time Guardian is a giant mouth on an ancient rock. No arms to be twisted or nelsons to be wrestled into!
PRECISELY! The Time Guardian is a mouth on a rock. In this case, it's a mouth on a rock in the middle of a bar. Mrs. Strife could nudge it with her foot and it wouldn't be able to fight back. Mrs. Strife could roll it out the door and into a nearby lake and it wouldn't be able to fight back. And not to belabor the point, but my teammate said it best:

Minato wrote: Even if her opponent was equipped with legs, arms and opposable thumbs (it isn't), this arena offers tools far more familiar to a housewife...this place could be rigged to blow by anyone familiar with household tools...The Time Guardian cannot escape any fate Mrs. Cloud constructs for him however. He can hasten it, or postpone it but before the end of time, he must face it eventually.
Remember, honorable Spectators, this is a smackdown. How can a Time Guardian win a brawl when it is incapable of fighting?
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Old 05/10/2018   #92
BforBrigitta
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< You're defined only by your husband and son.

I am not defined by my husband and son. Excuse me I have agency, I have choices, I'm my own woman. >

< You are putty under the spell of my charisma.

Maybe I'm weak, and easy to break. But I am Cloud's mother, and my love for him will sustain my strength for as long as it takes. >

< That's what you say now but come hither and see, my charm will seduce you and will lead you to be free.

You cannot fool me, my life cannot be bought. I'll kick your ass if I have to, your ability to cajole me is nought. >

< C'mon, lady, you know you want to. Come up to the roof and I will show you.

Do you know what's up in Nibel Mountains? What I've faced before? Dragons and monsters, and a slew of wild boar. Nothing I've not slaughtered before, that much is sure. I'm no slouch in that department, despite my small frame and all. So I wasn't born yesterday, I know all your tricks. Now get the hell outta here before I really show you which one of us can go ballistic. >

< MAN OKAY I'M OUTTIE, YOU'RE STRONGER THAN YOU LOOK. I'M NO MATCH FOR YOUR IRON WILL, CONSIDER ME SHOOK
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Old 05/10/2018   #93
Ergo
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I'm sorry but this entire train of thought that clouds mum must be some sort of secret badass swordsman is just hypothesis.

How did cloud learn swordsmanship?
Well maybe as he worked for a company who's.sole purpose was training soldiers for war?
Maybe the fact that in BC he is seen shooting a gun and it's not until later on as he spends more time with Zack that he begins to use a sword?
If were going down the route of hypotheses then it's more valid he learnt these skills by someone who is already noted as a good swordsman rather than a housewife who gets forgotten about by her own kid.

In comparison however going by proven facts alone we have time guardian who even if we strip back the possible powers he may have over time itself still has sharp pointy teeth.

If were talking one on one battles then a monster with sharp teeth is gonna win over a woman with a stern look and box shaped hands.
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Old 05/10/2018   #94
Minato
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Ergo wrote: I'm sorry but this entire train of thought that clouds mum must be some sort of secret badass swordsman is just hypothesis.

How did cloud learn swordsmanship?
Well maybe as he worked for a company who's.sole purpose was training soldiers for war?
Maybe the fact that in BC he is seen shooting a gun and it's not until later on as he spends more time with Zack that he begins to use a sword?
If were going down the route of hypotheses then it's more valid he learnt these skills by someone who is already noted as a good swordsman rather than a housewife who gets forgotten about by her own kid.

In comparison however going by proven facts alone we have time guardian who even if we strip back the possible powers he may have over time itself still has sharp pointy teeth.

If were talking one on one battles then a monster with sharp teeth is gonna win over a woman with a stern look and box shaped hands.
In his very first appearance in BC, Cloud DOES in fact pick up a sword and displays exceptional skill with it. Zack is not the source of his skill. Nor was Shin-Ra's sole purpose ever to train soldiers for war.

And again relying on proven facts alone, Cloud's Mom has the advantage in mobility and the ability to grab and operate tools and weapons. The Time Guardian has no means of setting his teeth in Mrs Strife's person.
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Old 05/10/2018   #95
LicoriceAllsorts
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The Time Guardian's only feature is its mouth.
They're in a bar.
What do people do in a bar with their mouths? They drink.
Every time it opens its mouth to bite her, Cloud's mum gonna throw another bottle of Tyger hooch into that maw. Maybe the thing can't die, but it'll soon be too drunk to fight.
Once again goodness triumphs.
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FIFTY SHADES OF TSENG
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Old 05/10/2018   #96
Ergo
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Sitting at a bar

Clouds mum: "I think you should settle down and marry an older girl."

Time guardian ponders his immortal life and all the choices he has made to reach this point. Thinks back to that one summer he spent at his grandparents farm just off the coast of wutai. The time when the air smelt of fresh cut grass and the ancients danced with the wind. The days where he felt the touch of a woman for the first time and fell hopelessly in love. The time where love turned sour and grew into fear. Fear turned into anger, anger turned into hate and eventually life became meaningless.

He stared at this blonde woman for what seemed like an age and thought maybe just maybe she was right.......


But then he remembered he's immortal.and literally anyone else older than him died aeons ago so he decided to maul this blonde chicks throat out of her for dredging up his brutal past.

The end.
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Old 05/10/2018   #97
LicoriceAllsorts
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How is the Time Guardian going to sit at a bar when he doesn't have a butt? Fantasist!
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Old 05/10/2018   #98
Ergo
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Balls can stay still on flat surfaces!
Don't blame our lack of butt for shoddy seat making that was probably overseen by clouds mother.
If he wasn't immortal he could have died!
Died licorice!
How does she even sleep at night knowing that!
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Old 05/10/2018   #99
LicoriceAllsorts
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She pushed him off his bar stool and he lay on his back on the floor like a beetle whose legs have been pulled off by a cruel child, and he couldn't get up, ever.

Game over.
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FIFTY SHADES OF TSENG

Last edited by LicoriceAllsorts; 05/10/2018 at 12:31 PM.
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Old 05/10/2018   #100
f a n c y
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Friendly reminder to players that as of the 10th May, 09:49 GMT, you have less than 24 hours to sway Spectators.

Here's a link to a time zone converter in case anyone needs it.

Best of luck!

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Old 05/10/2018   #101
Joe
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This is hilarious. I legitimately have no idea who is winning.
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Old 05/10/2018   #102
Ergo
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LicoriceAllsorts wrote: She pushed him off his bar chair and he lay on his back on the floor like a beetle whose legs have been pulled off by a cruel child, and he couldn't get up, ever.

Game over.
Ahem she *tries* to push him off but he bites her hand off causing a Monty python rabbit of death moment where blood sprays across the bar before dying of blood loss.

I bid you good day Madame!
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Old 05/10/2018   #103
BforBrigitta
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^So he says but we have photographic evidence!

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Old 05/10/2018   #104
Ergo
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Bforbrigitta wrote: ^So he says but we have photographic evidence!


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Old 05/10/2018   #105
f a n c y
Default RIP Team Chocobo

Bforbrigitta wrote: ^So he says but we have photographic evidence!

Clever clever, but this brings to mind a disturbing pattern that I've noticed in this smackdown, and it concerns the size of the Guardian.

As you can see, the Guardian looks relatively tiny in this picture—about the size of a human being. And by the way my opponents have been presenting the entity (rock...thing?), you'd think it was about the size of a human or even smaller. Easily overwhelmed even by the likes of someone of Mrs Strife's stature.

This representation, my dear spectators, is an absolute falsity!

Observe this screenshot from the game, if you please.

The Time Guardian: much bigger than humans
I know what you may be thinking.

'What the hell am I looking at?'

THAT, my good ladies and gents, is the hero Cloud Strife, who stands at a lean 173 cm, standing atop of the Time Guardian. You could fit at least 9 more Clouds on that thing.

Are you seriously telling me that the Time Guardian here is being properly (and fairly represented in my opponent's so-called 'evidence'?

Surely not!

This begs the question...

If we cannot trust Team Chocobo to fairly represent the size of the Guardian when pitting the demigod against their champion, what else can't we trust??? There was already the lapse about Mrs Strife's supposed training in 'swordsmanship'. Oh, and speaking of which, where were these weapons kept? When we get a glimpse into Cloud's home in the game, we see a lot of things like a bed, a stove, a fridge, a table. Basic furniture for basic people. What we don't see is an armoury or weapons rack or anything.

At least I didn't.

Do you???


i don't see shit

But I digress. The point of this post is this: the Time Guardian isn't something to be pushed around. Again, we know that Cloud is 173 and relatively lean. It's not too farfetched to assume he gets this from his mother, who also appears rather slim and small.


Would you take a look at that tinyass waist.

Cloud's height was based on the average height of Japan. You know what the average height of women are in Japan? About 158 cm (or 5'2.6'')

Come on everyone. A fairer representation of this fight is most definitely this:


I rest my case.

Get ready for dinner, Chocobo, cuz you'll be the chef's special after that roasting.
( ͡ ͜ʖ ͡)

Last edited by f a n c y; 05/10/2018 at 05:14 PM.
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