Nandemoyasan
Standing guard
- AKA
- Johnny
I'm gonna go thru and give absolutely brutal capsule reviews of the first 6 Final Fantasy games, for what you humans call "fun." I will use the first-released version of each game, as following through from the philosophy outlined. Basically, no quarter asked, none given. Here we GAAAAOOOOO
1
So, I start with 400 G and basically nothing? Horse shit. Go see the King and maybe he'll gimme some gear money? Yeah nope just asks for a favor when he has a whole darn army and we're 4 kids who don't even have equipment, sure. Guess I'm lucky they didn't stab me on sight, I guess?
No auto-retargetting, No use of revival items or petrification recovery in battle. Fuck you too, FF1.
And the story? Ok, so my four characters have no stake and no personality and NO DIALOGUE. I guess I'm just supposed to imagine that they have personalities, right?
Skip.
2
So you're gonna start the game by absolutely beating the shit out of me? >Epic Foreshadowing<
There's really not a more valid criticism than the fact that you gain strength by attacking yourself. It wouldn't have taken very long to set 4, a grand total of 4 flags for attacks that will not trigger stat-ups. There are only ever 4 characters in your party. Lazy Devs, 0/10.
Oh my, Maria's brother is missing. I wonder if that'll play out in the plot somehow. Our first assignment for the Rebel Army isn't peeling potatoes, it isn't weapons detail, it isn't even janitorial work, but we are assigned infiltration and reconnaissance? This Rebel Army's got a bright merit-based promotional future ahead of it, I can tell. Three kids with the worst equipment anyone's ever heard of show up and you assign them infiltration and reconnaissance. Brilliant. You also share important OpSec with them? Three kids who just showed up after a royal assbeating? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU HILDA
The game does not improve from there, offering the player 2 or 3 lines of dialogue per Heroic Sacrifice, to the point where you get Gordon in your party and he sucks so much that you hope he dies. Spoilers: He Lives, just to throw a big old middle bird at you.
3
Final Fantasy 3 is a poor man's Final Fantasy 5, without the cross-dressing. 0/10.
4
Cecil PilgrimsProgress goes to the King and gets shitcanned, whereupon his friend decides to come to his defence, which must be tighten immediately, and gets likewise shitcanned, and they're forced to endure the unfathomable indignity of a vacation for questioning the Sovereign King's orders (wtf, it's like this is an absolute monarchy or something). They walk all over a bunch of Imps and the village they get sent to gets blown up, whereupon a mysterious green haired child summons a homoerotic god image to kick the shit out of them. Kain dies (or not?) and then Cecil plays babysitter for a while, with lessons from a grumpy old man intent on declaring all Bards spoony.
Something something don't do bad stuff, Kino, that wrong, Giant Space Bug out of nowhere recreating the superhot dawn of the universe at you, and KluYa is your Father, Cecil.
Cecil: NOOOOOOOO THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE
0/10, boooring
5
Protag Klauser and his BirdHorse see a random homeless girl about to be eaten by Goblins and get way more than they bargained for, and by the way never end up getting even so much as a meal out of it. Conveniently Amnesiac Old Man creepily follows Homeless Girl to the Wind Shrine so that she can meet her Cross Dressing Pirate Princess Sister and find out that her Father is dead after chasing him halfway around the world. Then an Evil Tree (seriously) decides to end existence and everyone agrees that's terrible, so they chase him down into a dimensional rift where the dungeon designer didn't have to think about shit, and the Four Dead Dudes give them friendship powers to shove swords into EvilTree until he's stone dead, something something Love and Peace, get fucked
0/10
6
Another Conveniently Amnesiac Character who is Not Rydia At All goes on a voyage of self discovery that sharply changes gears no less than 4 times during the story because Japan has no idea what goes on in women's heads due to lack of ever asking them once. Monster Clown blows up the earth and gets beaten to death with beatings. 0/10.
Oh yeah, and the opera scene where the SynthVox Samples are used in place of actual words. s o m a j e s t i c
How about you guys? Is there a particular FF game you'd like to take downtown to Chinatown? Go for it, this is your venting space.
1
So, I start with 400 G and basically nothing? Horse shit. Go see the King and maybe he'll gimme some gear money? Yeah nope just asks for a favor when he has a whole darn army and we're 4 kids who don't even have equipment, sure. Guess I'm lucky they didn't stab me on sight, I guess?
No auto-retargetting, No use of revival items or petrification recovery in battle. Fuck you too, FF1.
And the story? Ok, so my four characters have no stake and no personality and NO DIALOGUE. I guess I'm just supposed to imagine that they have personalities, right?
Skip.
2
So you're gonna start the game by absolutely beating the shit out of me? >Epic Foreshadowing<
There's really not a more valid criticism than the fact that you gain strength by attacking yourself. It wouldn't have taken very long to set 4, a grand total of 4 flags for attacks that will not trigger stat-ups. There are only ever 4 characters in your party. Lazy Devs, 0/10.
Oh my, Maria's brother is missing. I wonder if that'll play out in the plot somehow. Our first assignment for the Rebel Army isn't peeling potatoes, it isn't weapons detail, it isn't even janitorial work, but we are assigned infiltration and reconnaissance? This Rebel Army's got a bright merit-based promotional future ahead of it, I can tell. Three kids with the worst equipment anyone's ever heard of show up and you assign them infiltration and reconnaissance. Brilliant. You also share important OpSec with them? Three kids who just showed up after a royal assbeating? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU HILDA
The game does not improve from there, offering the player 2 or 3 lines of dialogue per Heroic Sacrifice, to the point where you get Gordon in your party and he sucks so much that you hope he dies. Spoilers: He Lives, just to throw a big old middle bird at you.
3
Final Fantasy 3 is a poor man's Final Fantasy 5, without the cross-dressing. 0/10.
4
Cecil PilgrimsProgress goes to the King and gets shitcanned, whereupon his friend decides to come to his defence, which must be tighten immediately, and gets likewise shitcanned, and they're forced to endure the unfathomable indignity of a vacation for questioning the Sovereign King's orders (wtf, it's like this is an absolute monarchy or something). They walk all over a bunch of Imps and the village they get sent to gets blown up, whereupon a mysterious green haired child summons a homoerotic god image to kick the shit out of them. Kain dies (or not?) and then Cecil plays babysitter for a while, with lessons from a grumpy old man intent on declaring all Bards spoony.
Something something don't do bad stuff, Kino, that wrong, Giant Space Bug out of nowhere recreating the superhot dawn of the universe at you, and KluYa is your Father, Cecil.
Cecil: NOOOOOOOO THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE
0/10, boooring
5
Protag Klauser and his BirdHorse see a random homeless girl about to be eaten by Goblins and get way more than they bargained for, and by the way never end up getting even so much as a meal out of it. Conveniently Amnesiac Old Man creepily follows Homeless Girl to the Wind Shrine so that she can meet her Cross Dressing Pirate Princess Sister and find out that her Father is dead after chasing him halfway around the world. Then an Evil Tree (seriously) decides to end existence and everyone agrees that's terrible, so they chase him down into a dimensional rift where the dungeon designer didn't have to think about shit, and the Four Dead Dudes give them friendship powers to shove swords into EvilTree until he's stone dead, something something Love and Peace, get fucked
0/10
6
Another Conveniently Amnesiac Character who is Not Rydia At All goes on a voyage of self discovery that sharply changes gears no less than 4 times during the story because Japan has no idea what goes on in women's heads due to lack of ever asking them once. Monster Clown blows up the earth and gets beaten to death with beatings. 0/10.
Oh yeah, and the opera scene where the SynthVox Samples are used in place of actual words. s o m a j e s t i c
How about you guys? Is there a particular FF game you'd like to take downtown to Chinatown? Go for it, this is your venting space.
