First Attempt at Fanfic, Comments/Bashing Welcome!

Cannon_Fodder

Pro Adventurer
So... My afternoon was free, my friends were busy, I wrote a piece of fanfiction. Why? Because I can. It's not the best, but I'd really like to get some comments on it, hopefully more than 'it sucks'. But beggars can't be choosers! There's a little sex and violence if you get bored.
Cloud Strife hated surprises. More than that, he hated the feeling of not knowing what to do, the feeling of acting without thinking. Invariably however, surprises found their way to him, and when he did, he would deal with them. No matter the cost.
As his body slammed into the ground, he had already trained his ears to follow the sound of Fenrir as it roared shortly into the distance without its rider. Cloud rolled across the desert ground and with a heave of his upper body, he whipped back onto his feet.
Ignoring the towering monster, Cloud raced after his now crashed motorcycle and the swords within. If he could just get there in time...
But the monster, standing ten feet high and fifteen feet from head to tail tip, noticed its prey on the move. It pounded after him, each of its massive scaly feet shaking the ground as it moved. The bulky head was lowered to the ground, its dinosaur-like features streamlined for the chase.
Skidding to a halt, Cloud hastily pulled the first sword free before turning to face the beast. It was already upon him, dozens of sharp teeth crashing down on his torso, a quick jab from his sword into the lower jaw of the monster the only barrier to a kill.
The beast howled in pain, recoiling from its now vicious prey. Cloud took the moment to leap backwards, before whipping the short golden sword he had into position near his waist. He knew he could win now, no monster could easily get the best of him, but Cloud’s primary concern was time.
Or rather, a lack thereof.
His decision was made before he was fully aware of what he was going to do. The rage that had been filling him slowly for the last week, the setbacks, the ambushes, the failures, slowly started to sweep back into his mind. In no time, his anger peaked, his head pounding with the urge to let it out, to destroy whatever stood in his way.
The taste of its own blood in its mouth only seemed to drive the creature into a frenzy. It had ambushed Cloud, knocking him clear off his motorcycle. It would have a meal today, it would not be denied. It faced Cloud and let out a deafening roar, the small pebbles on the ground shaking in fear.
“I’m gonna win, don’t you care?” muttered Cloud under his breath.
Ignoring Cloud’s words, the creature charged. He braced himself, and then with a carefully practiced motion, he held his sword pointing out to the right.
“This...” he swung it back across his body, then dropped the tip to the ground in front of him. The creature was almost at a kill distance. Rage reverberating in his mind, Cloud pointed straight up with his weapon before drawing it back to his side.
“...Is it!” he yelled, swinging the sword toward the beast with everything he had. A torrential wind followed the blade, picking up large chunks of stone that littered the landscape. Each miniature boulder tumbled in front of the wind, colliding solidly with the monster effectively hating its advance. Beaten on all sides, the creature shrunk itself for protection, but it was far too late.
The wind bore down on the beast, picking it up off the ground. In a panic it flailed its legs in an attempt to find solid ground, but it could find none. Just as soon as the wind began to lift it, the gust stopped. Instantly, the creature fell back to the planet, a sickening crunch welcoming it home. Beaten and broken, the creature let out one quiet whimper before fading to red and disappearing.
Cloud panted from the effort of the limit break, revelling in the glorious relief from the rage it had required. A peaceful sensation filled his every nerve, as if everything were in perfect harmony. In one smooth motion, he spun his sword in front of himself before solidly replacing it in the holster on his back. “That was a joke,” he whispered, not really to anyone in particular.
As he was turning to return to Fenrir, he noticed something when the monster’s corpse had shortly been. Sitting on the ground, somehow in stark relief to the barren wasteland, was a single, hard-shelled nut. A reminder from what seemed like years ago, Cloud slowly walked over to the Carob Nut. He looked at it for a long time, not entirely sure what to do with it.
“Do you want to take the Carob Nut?” he muttered, once again to no one in particular. The warm, enveloping feeling still filling his mind, Cloud couldn’t think of a reason why not. Deciding he might want to raise some chocobos again, he bent down and picked the nut up. He examined it quickly before sticking it back into his pocket. He had a meeting to go to, he couldn’t be late.
Cloud trudged through the wastes, eventually coming upon Fenrir once again. In an instant, the peaceful feeling of a successful limit break was destroyed. The front casings of his motorcycle’s body work lay in broken shards around the front wheel. Expressionless, he observed the damage.
As near as he could tell, when the beast knocked him off his bike mid-ride, it had kept going until it had collided quite solidly with the corner of a massive boulder. Considering the circumstances, the damage was fortunately low. Happy as he was for that, Cloud still felt his shoulder’s drop at the sight of the shattered body work.
“How... did you do that?”
Cloud whipped around, withdrawing his sword as he went until the tip was outstretched to the source of the voice behind him. The ‘source’ was a small boy, perhaps only about fourteen. The boy’s eyes nearly popped out of his skull at the sight of Cloud’s weapon turned on him.
“Sorry mister! Oh I am so sorry! Please don’t kill me!” cried the boy, hands over his face.
Cloud hastily returned his weapon to his motorcycle, before turning to face the boy. “Sorry. You surprised me, but I won’t hurt you.”
The boy looked at the tall blond man through the cracks in his fingers, “You sure? I saw what you did to that Vladorakos.”
Cloud nodded his head, “I’m sure. I only killed that creature because it attacked me. You’re safe.”
His fears put to rest, the boy threw his hands to his sides and bounced up and down. “That was so cool! When that ugly lug beat you off your bike, I thought you were done for! Was I ever wrong!”
The boy came several steps closer to Cloud, “How’d you do that mister? That there was a mighty powerful attack!”
Cloud only nodded, “It was a limit break. Do you know what those are?”
The child nodded vigorously, “Yeah-huh. Master tells me that limit breaks are the ultimate attacks of the ultimate warriors, triggered by need or some such.”
Cloud nodded his agreement. ‘Ultimate’ was an exaggeration, but no use correcting the boy. He had an appointment to keep.
Still, this child seemed to be all alone. Cloud looked at him curiously, “Why are you out here by yourself? It’s dangerous.”
The boy smiled, “I’m not dumb, mister, I ain’t alone. Master Zangan’s with me, just over that ridge. We’re training! He asked me to see who was coming when we heard your bike, and here I am!” A thought suddenly appeared to strike the boy, “Oh damn! I should get back!”
Cloud held out his hand to stop him, “Wait a minute. Did you say Master Zangan?”
The boy nodded enthusiastically. Perhaps he might make his appointment after all...
“Could you give him a message for me? Tell him that Cloud Strife is here, but he’s having vehicle trouble. We have an appointment.”
Once again the boy nodded before dashing away, disappearing behind a nearby ridge. As Cloud waited, he pulled Fenrir clear of the boulder and tried the engine. It roared to life without effort, a smile of satisfaction coming to Cloud’s lips. He could still make his way home.
He reached into the carry pouch on the side of the steel chocobo and pulled out his phone. He opened it with a flick of his wrist. One missed call, from Seventh Heaven. Guilt sliding onto his shoulders once again, Cloud closed the phone without calling back. He was already two days late to return home, what was another few hours? This would be worth the wait. He hoped.
The distant bellow of a man’s deep voice broke his thoughts. “Cloud Strife! Right on time, I like that!”
Cloud turned to face the coming man, the obedient boy in tow. The man, known to many as the great Master Zangan, took great strides to cover the distance between himself and Cloud, a wide grin on his face.
Without waiting for invitation, Zangan wrapped his powerful arms around Cloud’s torso and squeezed the air out of his lungs. The boy, hiding idly in the flapping of Zangan’s cape, chuckled.
Carefully, slowly, Cloud pushed Zangan away. His face still lined with surprise and embarrassment, Cloud addressed the aging man, “Thank you for seeing me Master Zangan.”
“Don’t thank me! I’ve been waiting for this day for years, but I thought I was kidding myself! You don’t know how happy I am to see you here, now!” boomed Zangan, his face shining with pride. “You didn’t have to make this trip though, we could have done it over phone! Why, I don’t even see why you need to ask, I mean I’m not--.”
“I know,” Cloud said, interrupting the man’s enthusiastic speech. “But I want to do this right.”
Instantly, Zangan changed his tone to better fit the situation. “Which is good, no doubt, but…” the man paused, idly stroking his beard as he tried to decide how to finish his thought. “Is that really why you’re here?”
Cloud was taken aback. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
Zangan gave him a hearty clap on the shoulder, “Don’t worry, stop worrying, just go do what you want to do. You deserve at least that, don’t you agree?”
Cloud could only blink in surprise to what the old mad had said. When he regained his wits, he nodded shyly, “Right.”
The saviour of the planet turned around and nervously prepped his motorcycle for the short trip back to Edge. He anxiously cleared his throat when all was packed away before turning back to Zangan one last time. He nodded his thanks, but couldn’t think of anything to say.
Sliding comfortably back onto Fenrir, one last thought struck Cloud’s mind. He looked at the two people before him, then swept his eyes around to take in the ongoing wastes of the Kalm and Midgar area. “What was a Vladorakos doing here? Don’t they live up north?”
Zangan grinned, before looking expectantly at his trainee. The boy caught this glance and straightened his back, “The Vladorakos was relocated from its insufficient habitat in the north to the more suitable terrain of the Midgar area in an attempt to preserve its species by the WRO!”
Cloud grinned at the boy, “Oh… thanks.”
Zangan eyed Cloud, “How did you know the original habitat of the Vladorakos?”
Carob Nut. So many hours of fruitless hunting, based entirely on the advice of a hermit. For a Carob Nut.
In the interest of keeping things simple, all Cloud said was, “I can tell you that story later. I have to get going now, if you don’t mind.”
Zangan nodded at this verbal agreement. “Yes, you have far more important things to do.”
* * *
As the garage door rattled closed behind him, Cloud carefully put the bag containing the broken pieces of Fenrir down in the corner. At least it gave him something to preoccupy himself with over the coming weeks, should things go badly tonight. Final package in tow, Cloud stepped up to the door leading to the bar, labelled ‘Employees Only’.
Just before he opened the door, he carefully listened to the other side. The faint breaths of a conversation found their way to his ear. It was the voice of Marlene.
“C’mon Denzel, it’s time for bed!”
“But! Cloud just got home, I wanna say ‘hi’! Why can’t I do that?” moaned Denzel, beset by this turn of events.
“Because I said so! Come ON!” demanded Marlene, no doubt hauling Denzel away as she said it.
Cloud took one final breath, now or never. He’d have to thank Marlene for helping him out later.
He opened the door and strode into the bar, looking cautiously towards the bedrooms as he went.
Tifa Lockhart was walking backwards towards him, still looking after the now vacant children.
“What’s the rush you two?” she called after them. As she turned back to the empty room, she muttered something under her breath. “I thought I heard the…”
Her voice trailed off as she looked to Cloud, standing patiently in the middle of the empty bar, a single package held in front of him. For a moment, they simply looked each other in the eyes, neither sure what move to make next.
“Hi Tifa,” whispered Cloud, his voice still not entirely with him.
“Where have you been? I was so worried!” exclaimed Tifa, still not taking a step forward.
Cloud moved one foot a step closer and took his standard pose of confidence, “No monster’s gonna stop me.”
Wringing her hands in front of her, Tifa looked away. “That’s not what worried me…”
His confidence faltered, but he managed to keep his composure. “That won’t be a problem either. I want to prove that to you.” He began to rip open the brown wrapping of the package, never taking his eyes off her.
“Why are you two days late, Cloud?”
“I had another appointment to meet, but the client was hard to find.”
“Client? Who was it?” asked Tifa, carefully edging closer to try to decipher the small package Cloud was unwrapping.
“Your old master, Zangan,” replied Cloud, tossing a particularly stubborn scrap of paper to the ground.
“Zangan? How is he? Why didn’t you tell me, I’d like to see him after all these years!” exclaimed Tifa, now no more than a foot in front of Cloud, eyes alternating between his face and his hands. With a rush, she suddenly stared intently at Cloud. “Why did you meet with Zangan?”
Cloud smiled, “Because he’s the closest thing you have to a father…” The final shred of paper fell away, revealing the small black jewellery box beneath. “…And I needed his blessing.”
Slowly, Cloud eased his way down to one knee, and with a careful pull opened the box. In the dim light of Seventh Heaven, Tifa’s brown eyes appeared to be a tender shade of red as tears slowly formed there.
“Tifa, will you marry me?”
* * *
Tifa Lockhart loved surprises, especially when that surprise was the love of her life proposing to her. The pure exhilaration of that blissful moment was a distant memory now, the more immediate pleasure of the warmth caressing her body taking precedence. She rolled over onto her side in the pale moonlight and looked at her new husband. Lying on his back, Cloud turned to look at her, a smile spreading slowly on his face.
Tifa giggled and pulled herself closer to him, the peaceful sensation in every nerve building with each inch she covered. This was the perfect moment, a flawless time of harmony. She carefully wiped the sweat off her brow as she looked at him, “Hmm, you sure can show a lady a good time Mr. Strife…”
He simply grinned at her, the smile taking on a mischievous edge. “This…” he playfully pulled her on top of himself, “…is it!”
Yes, yes it was.
And done. Cheesy yes, but oh so fun to do.
 

Clan Dragoodle

Lv. 25 Adventurer
AKA
Clan
Well I can safely say that it doesn't suck.

I'm not much for grammar, but I think I did catch one spelling mistake:
"solidly with the monster effectively hating its advance" -> hating for halting?

Really, it' not bad writing. You have some very clever beats, such as with the lines:
"but Cloud’s primary concern was time.
Or rather, a lack thereof."

So it's not the writing itself that problems this story, it's more of the basic point and structure. There really is no point to the opening battle for how much time it's paid - and the dialogue with Zan is choppy at best. It all just feels like random events strung together to this supposedly "heart-warming" ending.

But because there is no build in emotion, or even suspense, the ending feels just tacked on, not a "OH, HOW SWEET!" emotion. Does that make sense?

There's also some superfolous information that bogs down the flow a bit, such as the description of the monster at one point in battle - and Cloud's need to talk to himself in the middle of nowhere.

He hardly talks to anyone when they're around, I can't imagine him talking when they're not. I think you could better his character, and also build some emotion and suspense about the ending if you made him more introspective with thoughts about what he was actually there to do.

That and I don't think Cloud would speak so much to the little boy - or certainly not explain or ask what a limit break is. - Little things to nit pick at because, again, the basic style and flow of the writing isn't bad.

It's just the direction that suffered here. Any questions?
 

Cannon_Fodder

Pro Adventurer
Well I can safely say that it doesn't suck.

I'd call that a victory for me! :awesome:

I'm not much for grammar, but I think I did catch one spelling mistake:
"solidly with the monster effectively hating its advance" -> hating for halting?
Yup, that's supposed to be halting. The monster isn't suicidal, it doesn't hate itself... :wacky:

But because there is no build in emotion, or even suspense, the ending feels just tacked on, not a "OH, HOW SWEET!" emotion. Does that make sense?
Yeah it does actually, I see where you're going.

There's also some superfolous information that bogs down the flow a bit, such as the description of the monster at one point in battle - and Cloud's need to talk to himself in the middle of nowhere.
I'll admit the monster description was unneeded, but Cloud talking to himself was a 'reference' to Dissidia and the original game. I don't know if you've played Dissidia, but "That was a joke." is one of Cloud's victory quotes, and I just thought it'd be kinda interesting to imagine him saying it after a regular fight. When he asked himself if he wanted the nut, it was supposed to reference the post-battle screens in the original where you get to pick up the items you won. Make sense?

That and I don't think Cloud would speak so much to the little boy - or certainly not explain or ask what a limit break is. - Little things to nit pick at because, again, the basic style and flow of the writing isn't bad.
I put that in for two reasons. One, in the Compilation, everyone goes on about how good Cloud is with kids, as opposed to his awkwardness around adults. And him explaining the limit break was a nod to the 'fighter's club' thing from FFVII, where Cloud went to explain combat to novices and by so doing, inform the player. But I see what you mean by it kinda clashing with his character now...

It's just the direction that suffered here. Any questions?
Nope! But I wanted to say thanks for reading and responding. If I ever do this again, I'll take your advice into account and hopefully it'll be better!
 

Clan Dragoodle

Lv. 25 Adventurer
AKA
Clan
I understand the want and need to hint and nudge at the compilation and past titles (yes, I have played Dissidia) but not to the extent that it hinders or "jars" the writing flow. Ask yourself: is really anything gained by adding those bits?

The whole nut thing didn't have any meaning - yeah, I guess it's cool to see someone try to write to how the game actually played, but it helps nothing of what you're trying to do.

What's the point of the monster battle, the nut, the vague conversation if they all do nothing for the most powerful point of the proposal? Does that makes sense?

It'd be one thing if the nut was somehow used symbolically, or if Cloud was hunting for battles to help stall the conversation because he was afraid or nervous - or that the actual conversation had more meaning and understanding to it. But none of it did.

So yes, I understand why they were there - or really - what the rational was behind them; just for future, I wouldn't strive to add details like that, but focus more on the general point and if those details work in - awesome.
 
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