Act III
I don't like to start things without finishing them, so in the unlikely event that anyone still feels like wading through this, here's Act III.
NB Despite appearances to the contrary, there wasn't enough gender confusion, cross-dressing, innuendo and sexual ambiguity in the original movie to satisfy the Bard's exacting standards. This script contains his improvements. Considerable deviance [from the original] follows:
_______________________________________________________________
ACT III
.
Scene 1, the Forgotten Capital
Enter Kadaj, Loz, and Marlene
Kadaj [sings]
When I was but an a tiny little lad,
With a hey, ho and hey nonny no,
My mother promised I would go to the bad
Hi nonny, hey nonny, ho nonny ho.
Kadaj danceth.
Marlene
Alack for me, a vulnerable orphan
Brought here against my will, and then compelled
To frolick in their moonstruck masquerade.
Oh Cloud! Make haste! Come thou and rescue me!
Loz
Behold, Yazoo and the brats from Midgar
Enter Yazoo and children.
Kadaj
Brothers, sisters, all join in
With a hey, ho, and hey nonny no,
Soon Reunion will begin
Hi nonny, hey nonny, ho nonny ho
Do as I do, drink like me
With a hey, ho, the wind and rain.
Then you’ll one with mother be,
And Sephiroth will come again.
All
Hey nonny, hi nonny, diddle diddle dee
Kadaj
Ah, me.
Yazoo
What a heavy sigh is there! Kadaj, speak:
What deep sorrow welleth in thy soul?
Kadaj
My heart missed a beat, and now cannot find
Its wonted rhythm. I know who hath it,
But the name is more than I dare confide,
Even to thee.
Yazoo
The thief should be punished.
Kadaj
T’was no theft, but freely given away
Unasked for and, I fear me, undesired.
Leave me be; by and by I will be well.
Exits
Yazoo
Come, friends, let us complete our preparations.
Exeunt
SCENE 2 Healen Lodge, interior
Enter Rufus Shinra
Rufus
Afflicted by unspeakable desires,
My loins do burn with dark, unnatural fires.
My heart is as distempered as my flesh,
Aching, throbbing, itching for release
From suffering that dare not speak its name.
Kadaj, get from my mind! Tempter, begone!
Foul fever! Is this yet more corruption
Twisting me to the core of my manhood,
And blackening my twice-besmirched soul?
And yet, methinks I never saw a maiden
So soft of cheek, so delicate of mien
As that cruel fair youth – too unfairly cruel
Cruel in his beauty that pierced mine eyes,
And pinned me thus, a monstrous specimen
Of every malformed, misbegotten lust.
More have I cause to hate him than to love!
Spawn of Jenova! Sprig of Sephiroth!
Certes he must have cast some dev’lish magic.
His cursed manipulation hath unmanned me,
Stiffening the prick of my fond yearnings
And softening my hardened resolve, he
Launched a sneak attack on my defenses,
Double-cut my heart with shame and passion,
And my resistance hath been slashed all.
But soft, here comes my minion. Reno, what ho?
enter Reno
Reno
You should lend that joke your wheelchair, yo.
My good lord, I bring you news of Cloud.
For Rude and this thy fool, your humble servants,
Sought, and in th’abandoned church did find them
Stretched like dreamers on th’Ancient’s flowers,
And on our shoulders we took up their weight
And to the bar, their home, we did return them.
She’d been in a fight, but he is ailing,
E’en with thine own blotchy canker, lord.
I left Rude with them. They are sleeping still.
And I made all haste here to know thy will.
Rufus
Stand guard o’er them. Abide their wakening.
Then fill them in on everything we know.
Reno
Once more, Reno, away, on duty’s wings!
Exit Reno
Rufus
Anon, good Reno. If thou only knew
My real sickness, thou mighst not serve so true.
Enemy, away! I’ll master my heart.
Now will I revive my strength and shield me.
Th’enchantment he hath cast must I dispel,
By summoning the willpower to counter
Th’insiduous poison of quicksilvery charms.
And yet… Kadaj, do thou but morph thyself
And mime the damsel which I would’st thou wert,
Transformed would be the barrier that doth
Divide us, and thus with a kiss I’d seal –
Enough of that! Rufus Shina, abjure
These wicked imaginings. There’s no cure
And thou, unregenerate, must endure
It in silence. This sin you dare not speak.
Nor give the public cause to think you weak.
My secret love goes with me to the grave
Thus, tho’ my heart be lost, my pride I’ll save.
Exit
Scene 3, a room in Seventh Heaven
.
Enter Cloud, Tifa, Rude, Reno
.
Reno
The silver-haired androgynous young men
Have taken all the kids with Geostigma.
.
Rude
Their base is the Forgotten Capital.
.
Cloud
Hie you and bring the poor innocents thence.
I must to Rufus, seeking explanations.
.
Tifa
Go to! For shame! T’is an excuse thou seekst
To justify thy failure to do aught.
Thou art sick – aye, thy secret is well out.
Wilt thou not let me help to make thee well?
Wilt thou not go to bring our children home?
Tish, Denzel has more fight in him than thee.
Cloud, if thou art a man, play the man’s part.
And if thou lovest us, then open thy heart,
To find the noble soul that once dwelt there.
But, if thou’rt dead to us, and hast no care
But to deny the living, and pursue
Lost dreams, slain hope – if all I fear is true,
If thou and I will ne’er a family make –
Then stay! Stay and die! So shall my heart break!
.
Exit Tifa
.
Reno
Pay heed to her. We do withdraw forthwith.
All their base are belong to thee. Adieu.
.
Exit Reno and Rude.
.
Cloud
To be or not to be, that is the question.
Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to do a barrel roll around my troubles,
And by opposing, end them? Accept the pain
Inflicted by the Planet for my sins,
Embrace the death decreed my punishment
And thus, by calm submission, be at peace?
Or shall I take this sword in hand, and fight,
As once, old friend, I swore to thee I would,
For Tifa, and for Denzel, and Marlene?
Yet how can I, who cannot help myself,
Bring anything but grief to those I love?
I weary of this life. I long for rest.
Oh, when will this nightmare ever end?
.
enter Aerith’s ghost
.
Aerith’s ghost
Dilly-dally shilly-shally.
.
Cloud
T’is thee! Oh, saint! Speak again, bright angel!
.
Aerith’s ghost
Dilly-dally shilly-shally.
.
Cloud
Such sight of thee my heart hath long desired.
Yet I do fear to trust too-wishful eyes,
Perchance I conjure phantoms from the air
And dress them in the colours of my dreams.
Aerith, ‘tis truly you?
.
Aerith’s ghost
The winds of sorrow and of penitence
Drive Cloud through dark skies overcast with doubt.
And, like the restless shadow of the Cloud
I knew, movs’t thou across the surface of
The earth. Be still now. Tell me what thou seekst.
.
Cloud
Forgiveness.
.
Aerith’s ghost
Let thy heart be eased. I never blamed thee.
.
Cloud
I stood helpless by and watched him kill thee.
.
Aerith’s ghost
My fate could not be altered by thy will.
My timely death my purpose did fulfil.
Forgive thyself, Cloud, as I forgive thee.
Let the sun shine into thy heart. Be free.
Now – let’s mosey.
.
Cloud
Thy word is my command!
So shall the babes be rescued by my hand.
To the Forgotten Capital I’ll go
To save Marlene, and to confront my foe.
.
Exit Cloud
.
Aerith’s ghost
That Cloud. He thinks he got off pretty lightly.
See how he goes, so eager and so sprightly.
Tee-hee. But I’m not finished with him yet.
Due penance I’ll exact, and win my bet.
Zack! He fell for it!
.
Zack’s ghost [off]
I want my sword back.
.
Exit ghost of Aerith.
.
.
Scene 4: A Street in Edge
Enter, oppositely, Cloud and Vincent
.
Cloud
Well met by moonlight, Vincent Valentine.
What brings thee to Edge on such a night?
.
Vincent
Tseng. And Elena. See’st thou this heavy purse?
I read the flyer up in Icicle Inn:
“Whoe’er to Rufus doth these Turks restore
Shall have the chinks.”
.
Cloud
You rescued them for gil?
Was it not, rather, ancient loyalties,
Blood-brotherhood, the bonds of suit and tie,
Rememberance of who thou truly art,
That moved thee to take pity on their plight?
‘Once a Turk, always a Turk’, isn’t that
your motto?
.
Vincent
No, it’s ‘By retreating today, we remain victorious,’
Or else, ‘Never pass up a free drink, especially on company time.’
With this sweet windfall I’ll a cellphone buy.
An iphone? Or are Blackberrys more cool?
O, brave new world, that hath such gadgets in it!
But tell me now, Cloud, whither goest thou?
.
Cloud
Due north, there to confront Kadaj and co,
As Aerith did but lately bid me do.
.
Vincent
But Aerith is –
[aside] Alas, poor addlepate.
Grief hath turned his reason. I’ll by his side
Remain, thus to protect him from himself.
Cloud, good friend, I’ll go that way with thee,
To seek the leather-clad young androgynes.
I somewhat of their story late have learned
And to thee I’ll impart it as we go….
.
exeunt
.
.
Scene 5: The Forgotten Capital
.
Enter Kadaj
.
Kadaj
If music be the food of love, play on
Uematsu, pluck the strings of my heart;
The tune it plays hath but a single note.
Rufus! That name is music to mine ears.
Rufus! Beguiling everyone who hears!
That first sweet glimpse of my dear angel’s face
Melted my heart to fire and liquid light
The which, like beams shot from the rising sun
Piercing the dark dawn, revealed a wonder:
The blue sky, curtained by his eyelids.
And at once my soul rose into his heaven
Therein to worship through all eternity.
Oh, Rufus Shinra is the world to me!
And yet, he is my hated enemy!
Ah, if he only knew the truth that lies
Beneath this black and leathery disguise -
O thou wretch! Miserable, lovesick fool!
This love’s a crime can never find confession
For Sephiroth would punish the transgression.
Not a word, then! Not a sigh! Not a breath!
Spoken aloud, my love would mean my death.
God help me! Who’s here? Yazoo, ‘tis thee?
.
Enter Yazoo
.
Yazoo
Our brother doth approach, and with him comes
The red-caped man who stole our Loz’ playthings.
.
Kadaj
Let us go greet them.
.
Exeunt
Enter Cloud and Vincent, conversing
.
Vincent
… And that’s how Sephiroth and these triplets
Are connected.
.
Cloud
Thou'rt well informed. I thank thee,
Vincent, for that thorough explanation.
It all makes perfect sense now.
.
Enter Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz
.
Kadaj
Hail!
.
Yazoo
Hail!
.
Loz
Hail!
.
Cloud
No, I’m Cloud –
.
Loz
Hail, Vincent Valentine, son of Grimoire!
.
Yazoo
Turk thou hast been, and vampire thou now art.
.
Kadaj
And thou shalt be the leading man hereafter,
In thine own first-person shooter RPG.
.
Cloud
What devious lie is this? What fresh illusion?
.
Vincent
[aside] They have divined my secret wish aright.
Stay, imperfect speakers, stay. Tell me more.
.
Cloud
Don’t listen to them, Vincent! Sephiroth
Is messing with thy head! Such things can’t be!
.
Kadaj
And therefore, Vincent, hero, monster, goon –
.
Kadaj, Loz, Yazoo
All hail!
.
Vincent
Like smoke they fade! Sprites, whither goest thou?
.
Yazoo
To Edge. The children are already there.
.
Loz
To Edge!
.
Kadaj
I have a date with Rufus on a ledge.
.
Yazoo
Fail us not!
.
Exeunt Kadaj, Loz, and Yazoo
.
Vincent
There is more in them than mortal knowledge.
Cloud, stand not amazed. Make haste and follow.
.
Exits
.
Cloud
Did we just come all this way for nothing?
.
enter Aerith’s ghost
.
Aerith’s ghost
Stop lollygagging around, Cloud, and listen.
The silver-haired androgynous young men
Will take Jenova’s head from Rufus Shinra
And merge the alien cells with their own bodies
And thus dead Sephiroth will be respawned.
And only you can stop them. But be warned.
Their hideout is a private Catholic girls’ school.
The most ferocious of the holy sisters,
Armour-plated, gimlet-eyed, with fiery breath,
Keeps watch upon the gate that guards the virgins,
That none with balls may enter and defile
The sanctified devotions of the maidens.
Therefore, Cloud, in order to gain entrance,
You will have to –
.
Cloud
Hang on.
.
Aerith’s ghost
Zack’s got the uniform right here. Go on!
Please! It’s your size! You’ll look so cute, Miss Cloud.
.
Cloud
I am not dressing up as a nun.
.
Aerith’s ghost
As if. Sailor Moon. Crossover! Show him, Zack.
The ankle socks are so kawaii. Please, Cloud?
.
Cloud
I don’t know about this….
.
Aerith’s ghost
You don’t want Sephiroth to respawn, do you?
.
Cloud
Well, no, but –
.
Zack’s ghost
Come with me, buddy, let’s get you changed.
I’ll lend a hand and help you with your zipp,
Just like the old days in the SOLDIER locker….
.
Exeunt
End of Act III
Nice one. So even Cloud considered using the Phoenix Down. That should shut some of the fandom up. 
