Spoony takes on FFXIII

[Vendel]

http://spoonyexperiment.com/category/game-reviews/final-fantasy-xiii/

He had me from the opening apology.


BTW is XIII an acceptable target? VIII was, X wasn't if I recall the reactions around here.

Oh well I found them all funny.

 

[Shademp]

I too find him funny, even if I disagree with a lot of the stuff he says. His nitpicking abilities are something to behold.

 

[Lord Noctis]

Love the opening to part 2 of his review.

 

[Cthulhu]

tl;dr, . Where's the summary? I'm watching him going "Yeah okay FFVIII's story and level system and whatnot made no sense BUT AT LEAST I LIKED IT but not FFX or XII or XIII it sux WUT". Not exactly a compelling argument, . But, tl;dr and a lot of nitpicking for the sake of nitpicking,

 

[ForceStealer]

It's better than his X one, that's for sure. But still, something about him is lost since the days of that VIII review. His nitpicks seem so much more petty than funny, which is not how it used to be.

Again, it's not bad so far, and I did laugh more than a few times. But I laughed almost constantly throughout the VIII review.

 

[Pixel]

Reminds me of... think his youtube is Redlettermedia or something, who does long star wars reviews, but funnier than this

 

[The Twilight Mexican]

As one of VIII's biggest fans, I loved his review there. It was genuinely hilarious, damn near non-stop. The review for X was crap not because of what he was targeting, but because, well, the review was crap.

He should have just reviewed Tidus and had done with the matter, as bitching about him constituted what felt like 95% of the review, with the remaining 5% being demonstrations that he didn't know the subject matter.

I haven't started watching this one yet, but will do so soon. I'm happy to hear that it's an improvement over his X review, but his lame skits would be an improvement over that steaming turd. I'm expecting more of the same nitpicky bullshit, where he complains over fantasy elements appearing in a fantasy setting just so he has something to serve as a segue into an anguished yell while rolling his eyes.

Will report back.

 

[ForceStealer]

You won't be disappointed, I'm afraid

Especially the long rant about why Snow can do lethal damage with his fists.

 

[Ryushikaze]

You won't be disappointed, I'm afraid

Especially the long rant about why Snow can do lethal damage with his fists.

He took improved unarmed strike, duh.

 

[Dashell]

He should have just reviewed Tidus and had done with the matter, as bitching about him constituted what felt like 95% of the review,

He was just saying what we were all thinking

 

[Flintlock]

I think I had heard about the guy before, but seeing this thread made made me watch the FFVIII review, which was entertaining, and the first few parts of the FFX review, which still made me chuckle a few times, but became pretty predictable. I also watched the first XIII review video, but decided against continuing until I've actually played the game. It sounds bad - and I already thought that before watching - but then again, I enjoyed both VIII and X, even though I can't really disagree with his criticisms of either of them, so I have to give XIII a fair shot.

 

[Arianna]

I get a 404 error... ?!

Site temporarily unavailable. I'll have to try back later.

 

[ForceStealer]

He was just saying what we were all thinking

Except it took him like an hour to express what "we all thought" for about a minute.

I think I had heard about the guy before, but seeing this thread made made me watch the FFVIII review, which was entertaining, and the first few parts of the FFX review, which still made me chuckle a few times, but became pretty predictable. I also watched the first XIII review video, but decided against continuing until I've actually played the game. It sounds bad - and I already thought that before watching - but then again, I enjoyed both VIII and X, even though I can't really disagree with his criticisms of either of them, so I have to give XIII a fair shot.

I dunno man, there were some pretty bullshit criticisms in there. I realize that's sort of his shtick, but I think they're supposed to at least be funny.
I'm sure I laughed more than twice in the X review, but the only two funny moments that stuck with me were the World Cup sound effects over the blitzball game, and the Lady Gaga music to Yunalesca (which he promptly killed by repeating it).
Whereas I can rattle off several from the VIII review without much thought. The review was funny because it consisted of a lot of logical extensions of the inconsistencies in the game (Why do people have TVs if radio signals have been dead for so long? If Anti-Magic Fields exist, why is the sorceress such a big problem?) or candidly responding to something silly a character says or does ("No...those are boats...shut up"). The X review just consisted of him bitching about shit he didn't like. The SAME shit that he told us he didn't like in his opening summation. And then continued to complain about the same stuff, ad nauseum, for the length of the review.

 

[Masamune]

The FFVIII review originally started out as more of a LP/rifftrax of the game. But then this was when Spoony was just some guy reviewing bad games for kicks and not an "internet celebrity" who aims for the cheap seats. Saying that, I really enjoyed his Ultima IX review and found myself sharing his pain despite never having played the game.

Anyway, like I said on BFF, I think he's just warming up to the main course and getting all the nitpicks out of the way. In his defence, I'd argue those criticisms are entirely valid. I don't care if it's a "Final Fantasy game", you can't rely on that as a get out of jail free card for a lack of the most basic physics or internal logic.

 

[ForceStealer]

Well that would be unlike his other reviews, but maybe.

And fair enough I guess, but complaining about the monk fighting monsters/soldiers with his fists is petty and there's no way you're going to get around that. His comment that he punches the thing into oblivion was pretty funny, but just say that. Don't go on about it like it's some flaw in the game's logic while somehow saying Sabin suplexing a train made more sense.

 

[Masamune]

Well that would be unlike his other reviews, but maybe.

And fair enough I guess, but complaining about the monk fighting monsters/soldiers with his fists is petty and there's no way you're going to get around that. His comment that he punches the thing into oblivion was pretty funny, but just say that. Don't go on about it like it's some flaw in the game's logic while somehow saying Sabin suplexing a train made more sense.

Eh, it's horses for courses, isn't it? The earlier FFs (including FFVII) could get away with the cartoony physics because it was part and parcel of the design style and the graphical limitations of the time. They weren't supposed to be taken that seriously. However, FFXIII fundamentally fails as a realistic medium because it's still trying to retain those old school elements, and that simply doesn't work. If you want to make a gritty, cyberpunk FF, then make one. Don't hedge it because you're afraid you'll alienate players. Whenever I've played either of the FFXIII games I've always had this overriding feeling that the games have no idea of the theme they're going for. It's all over the place and stinks of Nomura/Nozue's 'whatever looks kewl lol' mentality.

As for Snow, if they had explained that Snow was a master of some superhuman martial art (like Hokuto Shinken ) that still would've been better than... nothing! If there was an explanation it was probably buried deep in the datalog or some Ultimania cash-grab, because I can't remember one in the game.

 

[SirVival]

I just recently stumbled upon Spoony's ff8 review and boy, did it suck! The first few parts I could watch and actually enjoy but after that it just got out of hand. I'm not a FFVIII fanboy, eventhough I like it more and more every year, but Spoony should definitely stop going too overboard. Nevertheless I wish he could do one about FFXII. God I hate that game, not even the ass of that playboybunny-girl could save it.
I'm definitely going to take a peek on his new stuff though, so thanks for posting it!

 

[Fangu]

I also watched the first XIII review video, but decided against continuing until I've actually played the game. It sounds bad - and I already thought that before watching - but then again, I enjoyed both VIII and X, even though I can't really disagree with his criticisms of either of them, so I have to give XIII a fair shot.

I will admit, XIII takes waaaaaaaayyy too long to get interesting. The first 20 hours can be downright painful. Its narrow corridors of the same enemies and clop clop sounds, like Zero Punctuation suggests, makes the whole thing rather dull. Be prepared, take a good break before the endless Gapra Whitewood. That being said, if you manage to get through the first, uh... the game story, really, the game becomes way more interesting. The post game stuff is the most interesting stuff imo. Just yesterday I learned about "Gestalt: TP Charge" which was totally new to me. There is so much about the game you can do that you don't need to know to finish it.

It's really a shame because I think they had something good going for them, but they failed making it too pretty and too movie like, while at the same time they sort of failed to finish it properly. Like the stuff they managed to get done in XIII-2 (jumping, changing leader in battle, etc) that was scheduled for and should have been finished in XIII. I'm not saying jumping and party leader change would have saved the game, but I think there is lots in XIII-2 that was planned for XIII but had to be scrapped because they needed to get the game out to get some cash in.

Anyway be prepared of the linearity and play it for the beauty, and you might like it.

This is the most anyone will ever hear me trash XIII X) I love XIII because I love the characters. I didn't suffer during my first playthroughs because I was new to both FF (having only played VI before) and newer console games. To me it was perfectly paced. But I can see now why average to advanced gamers would be extremely bored.

 

[ForceStealer]

Eh, it's horses for courses, isn't it? The earlier FFs (including FFVII) could get away with the cartoony physics because it was part and parcel of the design style and the graphical limitations of the time. They weren't supposed to be taken that seriously. However, FFXIII fundamentally fails as a realistic medium because it's still trying to retain those old school elements, and that simply doesn't work.

So, basically, what you're saying is get rid of the monk class if the characters look realistic? That's silly. Yes, Final "Fantasy" isn't a free pass to completely ignore internal logic. But it IS a license to to make the world behave how you want no matter what it looks like. I don't think XIII was ever endeavoring to be a "realistic medium." At all. (Nor do I think it was supposed to be particularly gritty or steampunk, for that matter.)

XIII did indeed have trouble with it's theme. And it had a hell of lot more trouble exposing you to it's own damn world. But that the people look like we do does not mean they must be constrained to what we are. And, as with any genre, there are some things you just have to accept, swords are better than guns and so on.

Besides, Spoony didn't say any of that. He just said that Sabin tossing a freaking locomotive around was okay because he trained. But it's not okay for Snow. (If I remember correctly, Snow gets his strength from those runes on his coat that correspond to his paradigm. Like everything else, though, XIII is loathe to divulge that information.)

 

[Geostigma]

I get a 404 error... ?!

Site temporarily unavailable. I'll have to try back later.

Same here and Ive been trying all day :<

 

[Fangu]

The entire site is down, it seems. Muh, I was gonna watch it.

 

[AvecAloes]

Like everything else, though, XIII is loathe to divulge that information.

Honestly, I think that might be the biggest issue I have with XIII. I played through it once fully, guide in hand, and attempted two other replays, read through the XIII thread here, and still feel like I know next to nothing about the game/world/story/chain of events, much less anything about the fal'Cie. I swear, the little that I do know about this game comes exclusively from these forums, or from members therein.

 

[clowd]

Is he really nitpicking or is it just lazy writing thats been in the series for a long time and really needs to come to an end?

Where does Hope get his boomerang? Explaining such things not only makes sense but it gives depth and realism to the story. The little things do start to add up.

His points about characters surviving long falls over and over are valid. Why is this door here? Who decided to build that there? It has all has the trademarks of a poorly written story that just made up things on the go to help it move along.

Do such things plague other games or films this badly? No.

And to understand why he's OK with body slamming trains in VI but not Snow punching things in XIII you have to understand he wants an explanation thats at least bad-ass sounding. For example Sabin was some magical ninja monk dude so its OK for him to do something crazy like that. Snow has a magical coat?

Its the same reason people are OK with a 6 foot long buster sword. Its bad ass. Impractical but bad ass. So we over look it. Snow getting his power from a coat is not practical, and its not bad ass. Its just stupid and lazy writing.

Gah, the name snow. I feel bad even typing it. The names in this game. Snow. Lightning. Vanille. Hope. Uber Lame. Not cool, not bad ass.

Spoony had almost as many nit picks with VIII but you'll notice in this review he takes back how much he bashed VIII seeing how bad XIII was. Thats really the whole point. If the game was halfway decent alot of the nit picks could be over looked. But its not.

 

[The Twilight Mexican]

I don't know. I find it terribly ironic anytime I hear the words "bad" and "ass" placed together anywhere near Cloud or FFVII, seeing as how that game deconstructed the cliché of the "badass" figure who shows up in so much of anime/manga and video games.

Cloud was a self-deluded child whose inferiority complex he twisted into delusions of grandeur after basically stealing someone else's life and quite nearly their identity -- a person who died protecting him no less. It was only after admitting how weak and pathetic he is that a badass side of Cloud was revealed.

 

[Ite]

About Snow, the class system in the new games is arbitrary, because none of the characters have a backstory that could possibly justify training in a martial art (or for that matter, combat at all).

Final Fantasy is no longer a multi-act story bringing a diverse group of adventurers together with a unified goal, each joining up as the main party comes across them or they decide to act. Nowadays, Final Fantasy is about introducing a cast of characters who are all already tied into the main conflict, and all half-way through the story. No one should be monk class in FFXIII because everyone is a bum from some beach town. Sabin trained in the mountains with a mystic monk for years. If the dude unleashes a mystic power, I know why. It seems like the cast of FFXIII stumbled upon weapons (literally in Vanille's case) and became immediately proficient in them.

I could understand if that only happened after they became l'Cie, as if the fal'Cie was like that guy from Power Rangers, only a dick. But no all of these people have these random powers and abilities simply because of the rule of Cool.

One of my main issues with post-IX in medias res is that now one of FF's most prized plot devices is the surprising reveal of an ability or piece of information that is presented for shock value in the introductory scenes, and then explained later. Unfortunately, FFXIII dropped the whole "explain later" with most of it, and applied shock-reveals to everything in the first six hours of the story. Every single thing. How Lightning resisted the glowing-robe thing, her snap power, the existence of a resistance, the fal'Cie, the l'Cie, who Serah is, the Purge, Psicorps, every relationship and goal of every character is hidden from the player for the first few dungeons, if it's revealed at all.

Also, Spoony is at some of his snarky best here. I dig these reviews, and fucking hated this game, so go him.