Ren is Ren Gill, a Welsh musician based out of Brighton formerly known for his work with the band The Big Push. In 2010, he signed with Sony Records, and shortly after, he became severely ill, which resulted in his being dropped from the label. After a decade of being misdiagnosed (which he discusses in more detail in his other songs), he finally was correctly diagnosed with Lyme disease and received a stem cell transplant. He is currently in Canada receiving further treatment for the disease.
He has also suffered from auditory and visual hallucinations, which heavily inspired this track. He explains:
Up until I was 9 years old, I would intermittently hear a voice in my head that was not my own. The voice was distinctly different to mine, and always negative. It would self criticise or urge me to do things I knew to be morally wrong. The most peculiar thing about the voice was that it took no effort on my behalf to produce. My own thoughts always felt like there was a process that required effort to bring them to the forefront of my mind, this voice appeared as though it was spoken by another. The sentences felt predetermined like they had already been constructed.
I remember very vividly at 9 years old, becoming very frustrated with the voice. I stood in my back yard, internally screaming at the voice to be silent again and again, and it did. In a flash there was silence, to the point where my head felt like an empty room. I wasn't used to the quiet and that voice never returned. It almost felt lonely in my head.
When I got older I had intermittent bouts with auditory hallucinations where I would hear perfect symphonies, usually at night when drifting off to sleep. They were so clear that they sounded like they were emanating from a radio in the corner of my room. I knew they weren't there, but for some reason they never came with the feeling of fear. I also recall sitting on a bus at the age of 15, and hearing the sound of a crowded room, with about 100 voices chattering away, I was the only person apart from the driver on the bus.
These experiences were always very brief, and few and far between.
My last hallucination was during an intense bout of psychosis in 2015, and was my first visual hallucination. I was walking down a pavement after jumping out my mums car in a crossroads in a moment of frustration and distress with my condition. I was trying to run from myself. What appeared to be a homeless man with a dark complexion approached me, and asked me what was wrong. I explained that I had been sick most my life, and I wasn't sure I had the strength to continue. He looked at me, and smiled and told me 'everything is going to be okay in the end Ren.' I had not told him my name. There was something so overpoweringly sincere about this very simple message, which brought with it an overwhelming feeling of inner peace, and in a flash, he vanished.
My rational brain always linked these experiences to what the doctors have told me, that there are parts of my brain compromised by the autoimmunity in my body. That the myelin sheaths surrounding the complex electrical system that conduct my thoughts were damaged and compromised, causing these lucid experiences that I knew did not exist inside the physical world.
The part of me that edges away from logical and rational thought always attributed these thoughts to some kind of otherworldly intervention, that made my thoughts the battleground of some spiritual tug of war.
For a long time I never really acknowledged this part of myself, for with it brought the danger and stigma of sounding like a crazy person.
I decided with my latest release, to the best of my ability, to capture and express this chess match of thought.
I’ve never experienced a more honest and truthful description of the doubts that must plague every creative person. There’s
always the nagging thought in the back of one’s mind, “You don’t do this as well as other people do; everything you’ve ever done is ripped off from others, and you’re worthless.” That voice
isn’t true. But it never really goes away. The triumph isn’t to quiet the voice; the triumph is to not listen to it.
The two most powerful passages for me are these.
I go by many names also
Some people know me as hope
Some people know me as the voice that you hear when you loosen the noose on the rope
And you know how I know that I'll prosper?
'Cause I stand here beside you today
I have stood in the flames that cremated my brain and I didn't once flinch or shake
So cower at the man I've become
When I sing from the top of my lungs
That I won't retire, I'll stand in your fire
Inspire the meek to be strong
And when I am gone, I will rise
In the music that I left behind
Ferocious, persistent, immortal like you
We’re a coin with two different sides
Even reading it gives me goosebumps. The fact that he
actually stands up after spending most of the song in a wheelchair moves me to tears. Every goddamn time. Then his singing. Even writing about it has me a mess.
The other passage is the ending.
It wasn’t David versus Goliath, it was a pendulum
Eternally swaying from the dark to the light
And the more intensely that the light shone, the darker the shadow it casts
It was never really a battle for me to win, it was an eternal dance
And like a dance, the more rigid I became, the harder it got
The more I cursed my clumsy footsteps, the more I struggled
So I got older
And I learned to relax, and I learned to soften, and that dance got easier
It is this eternal dance that separates human beings from angels, from demons, from gods
And I must not forget, we must not forget, that we are human beings
Brief tangent: coincidentally (or not), he uses the name of a game I’ve spent years working on five different times throughout his track. And one of
Eternal’s central themes is exactly this: the need for balance. The balance of power, the balance between order and chaos, and especially the balance within oneself. This reflects a struggle much older than us; and trying too hard to be good, to be perfect, just makes us more flawed. I don’t think I could’ve articulated it more eloquently than he did if I’d tried, though.
“The more intensely that the light shone, the darker the shadow it casts” is a close paraphrase of a line from Carl Jung² describing an example of enantiodromia, the tendency of things to turn into their opposites, which is a central theme of
Eternal (as is the shadow archetype as a whole). Enantiodromia is a central theme of this song as well, as is the idea that the perfect is the enemy of the good. Allowing ourselves to be consumed by the idea of perfection prevents us from actually living our lives, from making the mistakes that are necessary for the creative process.
Moreover, refusing to accept our flaws as human beings is itself a flaw. Admitting a flaw is the first step towards correcting it. Remembering that we are human and allowing ourselves to admit to our flaws is necessary for us to work to correct them, or to compensate for them in some other way.
This track is a master class on every level. It deserves all the hype and acclaim it’s received and then some.
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²“It is a psychological rule that the brighter the light, the blacker the shadow,” from Jung’s introduction to Fanny Moser’s
Spuk: Irraglaube oder Wharglaube (
Ghosts: False Belief or True).