Baseless but fun Crack theories part deux

[shenron118]

Right, I forgot about that bit. Is Tifa still Cloud's childhood friend, then?

 

[Vossler]

Well it was said that Sephiroth really did fuck Hojo. hmmmm..

 

[Vossler]

Right, I forgot about that bit. Is Tifa still Cloud's childhood friend, then?

 

[shenron118]

My sincerest apologies, Race Driver, for making sure we're not crossing the line into incest.

 

[Ryushikaze]

Denzel is Cloud and Tifa's biological child cause they had sex at the Watertower.

THAT'S MY CRACK THEORY, DAMN YOU!

 

[shenron118]

Spoiler: Spoiler for size.

Lifted from TVTropes' Wild Mass Guessing:

The series takes place inside Aerith's imagination.

Ever notice how you see the same shot of Aerith's face in green light at the beginning and end of the game? Obviously, the story of the game takes place within her mind. The segment after the credits featuring Red XIII seems to have "actually" taken place though. However, let's see what we can find out about Aerith from this new perspective:

*Aerith is an obvious Purity Sue. She can do little wrong, she has the only Holy materia, her final limit break is Great Gospel, she's Too Good for this Sinful Earth, and her death saves the world. So yeah...

*Sephiroth is a Villain Stu, which is why he is the one to slay Aerith. While Aerith does not quite strike up a romance with our favorite white-haired pretty boy, one can now see why so many fangirls are in lust with Sephiroth. However, an Aerith/Sephiroth shipper would notice that they are Capulet Counterparts. Zack, and by extension Cloud, are on the other hand merely Aerith's toy-boys.

*Quite a few inadequacies with the world of FFVII and its cultures can be directly attributed to Aerith's laziness in designing the world as well as her fascination with Japan (Wutai), native American cultures (Cosmo Canyon), and large cities (Midgard).

*Related to the large cities item, Aerith the Writer clearly knows nothing of farms or animal breeding, as shown by the nightmarish chocobo breeding segment.

*More about Aerith personally, she seems to have grown up in a large city, but enjoys natural settings. She seems also to be Christian, or to have been at least raised Christian, since Aerith the Sue hangs out in churches a lot and uses the Great Gospel (see above). If Aerith Gainsborough is her real name, then one can also assume English ancestry (with possible American citizenship).

*Related to some theories that Cloud is the nexus of Square games (among other things), Aerith, since she presumably created Cloud, is the creator of all of these fictional works. Naturally, they feature the same characteristics of an amateur writer.

*The early Final Fantasy games were probably written by Aerith as a child, since they have relatively simple settings and plots.

*Kingdom Hearts was obviously a Disney fanfic in which Aerith yielded to the temptation of including her own original works and characters (or Sues). From this, one can glean the enthusiasm that Aerith harbors for Disney properties.

*Xenogears was clearly the result of discovering coffee and/or "certain substances" while attending one's first philosophy/comparative religion classes at one's liberal arts school. By extension, Final Fantasy Tactics was the result of a government/politics or history class. Aerith is/was an Arts & Humanities major. She should take more economics classes.

*While at her college, she persuaded a few of her friends to create a student film. Though the film was unfinished, Aerith later wrote a characteristic work based on the short film. From the differences in the student film and the analogous scene in the work, one can guess that the other students had some input on the film. One can only guess how good the film would have been had work on it not ceased due to finals. (See the ending of the FFVIII demo disc.)

*Final Fantasy IX was an homage to her earlier works and a means of assuaging her nostalgia during a dull summer vacation.

*Final Fantasy X was an assignment for her first writing class, assisted by more "certain substances." Naturally, she received a failing grade.

*Final Fantasy X-2, on the other hand, was not written by Aerith at all, but by her Brother (capital intended).

*As for Chrono Trigger... Yeah, I've got nothing. Probably more "certain substances," but definitely Aerith, since Lucca appears in an early area in Xenogears. Maybe Aerith didn't take that history class after all.

 

[Ryushikaze]

That WMG fails due to FFII. Simple setting and plot my ass.

And Cloud isn't the Nexus of Final Fantasy. It's Gilgamesh.

Plus, it's definitely overreaching trying to attach ALL Square games into the purvey of Aerith's crazed imaginings.
How does that work with the S-E merger?

 

[shenron118]

That WMG fails due to FFII. Simple setting and plot my ass.

And Cloud isn't the Nexus of Final Fantasy. It's Gilgamesh.

Plus, it's definitely overreaching trying to attach ALL Square games into the purvey of Aerith's crazed imaginings.
How does that work with the S-E merger?

The failures and holes only make it more baseless.

 

[OWA-2]

Vincent is Sephiroth's father.

Barret is Mr. T's twin brother who got transported to the world of FFVII.

Jenova is controling Sephiroth.

You WOULD think that, but no.

Vincent is his sister.
AND his grandfather.

No. Time Compression affected FFVII's world too, and Cloud was transported to the past. And then lets just say that... Cloud is his own grandfather now.
Don't ask.

 

[Vossler]

The failures and holes only make it more baseless.

 

[Smaddy]

@shenron118- I read that before! I will admit, to a degree it's kind of amusing/interesting, but really baseless.

That reminds me of the one theory that the majority of FF7 is all a hallucination of Cloud/ Cloud is the real villain of FF7 (specifically, he caused the massacres in the Shinra Building and kills Aeris).

And on a personal note, if Aeris is the fanfic writer of FF7, then Shelke is the fanfic writer for DOC. Wonder who's the 'author' of AC/C and CC?

 

[Vossler]

I confess. Darth Vader really gave birth to Sephiroth.

 

[Smaddy]

I confess. Darth Vader really gave birth to Sephiroth.

So who's Padme, Hojo or Vincent?

 

[Ryushikaze]

Ilfana.
It's really messed up,
And OWA-2, Cloud isn't his own grandfather. He's his own great great uncle.

 

[Vossler]

Ilfana.
It's really messed up,
And OWA-2, Cloud isn't his own grandfather. He's his own great great uncle.

Twice removed.

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

Vincent is Sephiroth's father.

Barret is Mr. T's twin brother who got transported to the world of FFVII.

Jenova is controling Sephiroth.



No. Time Compression affected FFVII's world too, and Cloud was transported to the past. And then lets just say that... Cloud is his own grandfather now.
Don't ask.

Cloud is clearly Philip Fry's twin. I always thought so. It's the hair. Also the hopeless passion for the mutant/alien/martialartschick (take your pick).

 

[Vossler]

Cloud is clearly Philip Fry's twin. I always thought so. It's the hair. Also the hopeless passion for the mutant/alien/martialartschick (take your pick).

Shit I thought he was the Bastard child of Donald Trump.

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

Shit I thought he was the Bastard child of Donald Trump.

Not only is he Donald's son, he's also his father.

 

[Vossler]

Not only is he Donald's son, he's also his father.

Well for debate purposes, Absolutely. That must mean Jenova cells were planted in Donald. I mean how else could he keep the same hair for 40 some years.

 

[Max Payne]

It annoys me that people seem to think that Jenova cells can do anything, an as long as there's some still left Sephiroth can come back from oblivion.

 

[Vossler]

It annoys me that people seem to think that Jenova cells can do anything, an as long as there's some still left Sephiroth can come back from oblivion.

Case and Point.
Incest at it's best

 

[Mantichorus]

Cloud is a descendant of Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde. This explains why he sometimes goes absolutely psychotic and apparently doesn't remember the whole thing afterwards.

~

Sephiroth knew Hojo was his father. This is the real reason he loses his mind at Nibelheim.

~

President ShinRa is really Groucho Marx. Seriously, his artwork for the original game. Just add some glasses and a cigar, and Bob's your uncle. (Actually, I really do have an uncle called "Robert".)

~

Vincent is a Time Lord. The coffin is his TARDIS.

addendum to above: actually, in the last "Doctor Who" story broadcast, the Doctor calls himself the Time Lord Victorious. Vincent is derived from the Latin "to conquer".

 

[Tennyo]

I think you're really on to something there with Vincent being a Time Lord.

 

[Ryushikaze]

Vincent can't be a Time Lord.

He didn't change appearance when he came back to life.

He's a HIGHLANDER.

 

[Mantichorus]

I think you're really on to something there with Vincent being a Time Lord.

Vincent can't be a Time Lord.

He didn't change appearance when he came back to life.

He's a HIGHLANDER.

Ah-HA, it's been shown in the original series that a Time Lord can keep their previous appearance when they regenerate - it's just the Doctor never does.

And there is a slight change: his hair is longer.

However, Cloud and Sephiroth are Highlanders: that's how they're able to come back time and time again. Cloud will only finally beat Sephiroth when he learns to take the head.