Baseless but fun Crack theories part deux

[Alex]

if Sephiroth raises his head again

NO NO NO. STOP.

Advent Children already assassinated his credibility as a villain

 

[Bex]

He'll never be a memory

 

[Ghost X]

Sephiroth's image can be saved by a good writer. Hire the Yakuza to throw Tetsuya Nomura into a garbage can or something =P.

 

[Homura Akemi]

lolz my theory

aerith is the mother of kadaj yazoo and loz because she has green eyes and kadaj called her mother, and sephiroth is the father because he has silver hair(but..but kadaj called him brother)...aerith really likes her brother...

 

[Mantichorus]

It's been nice knowing you, Manti. But I can already hear the stampeding of angry Sephiroth phangirls so I think I'm going to make like a tree, and all that.

Wait, there's room for one more!!

Sloppy... damn it, you got there before me...

 

[Homura Akemi]

Wait, there's room for one more!!

Sloppy... damn it, you got there before me...

...heh

 

[Vossler]

lolz my theory

aerith is the mother of kadaj yazoo and loz because she has green eyes and kadaj called her mother, and sephiroth is the father because he has silver hair(but..but kadaj called him brother)...aerith really likes her brother...

Genetics. All in the genetics.

 

[Gym Leader Devil]

Cait Sith's moogle was not a robot or toy, it was a real oversized moogle with a zipper attached to make it blend in with the toy cat. The reason it is never seen again after the battle in the Crater, even in ACC? Everyone was hungry after that fight, so we ate him. So obvious.

 

[Mantichorus]

Cait Sith's moogle was not a robot or toy, it was a real oversized moogle with a zipper attached to make it blend in with the toy cat. The reason it is never seen again after the battle in the Crater, even in ACC? Everyone was hungry after that fight, so we ate him. So obvious.

...Actually... I don't remember seeing a living moogle anywhere in the Compilation... there's moogle soft toys, arcade games, but...

The timeline of FFVII is wrong, and all we know about Vincent's history is a lie.

He's actually an English football fan. He got drunk back when we won the World Cup in '66, fell asleep in the coffin, and was woken by Cloud and his gang thirty years later. They found him cos he was singing Jerusalem in his sleep.

 

[The Twilight Mexican]

So, what you're saying, Mantichorus, is that Vincent is hito?

 

[Gym Leader Devil]

@Mantichorus: Dude, that's what makes it a crack theory. On the other hand, I can expand my crack theory using that.

Moogles are so close to extinct in the Compilation that the very few still in existence have to hide themselves completely. No one has seen one in so long they have gotten confused and think the name of the species is Mog now. So when the moogle starts bleeding after getting blasted multiple times, fucking up its "I'm just a toy" disguise, and everyone realized it was real?

"Hand me the fire materia, I feel like flame broiled mog steaks!"

 

[Dashell]

Cloud has two penises

 

[Gym Leader Devil]

Quex, you have quite the obsession with dual-penis. Since you are so enamored with Cloud's two penises, let me ask this: One atop the other, or side to side?

Also, entirely separate, or joined at the base? Is there space to get two girls going down on him at once (or guys in a hot-tub, whatever) or are they so close together that one person could get em both at once?

 

[Dashell]

Quex, you have quite the obsession with dual-penis. Since you are so enamored with Cloud's two penises, let me ask this: One atop the other, or side to side?

One on top of the... you know what... I Think I should just stop.. right now ....

 

[Gym Leader Devil]

Dude, no way. You clearly have an image of this already formed, out with it!

... Out with it kinda sounds dirty too.

 

[Dashell]

You know and I hadn't really thought about where they would be until you brought it up XD

 

[Gym Leader Devil]

Completely understandable. But when I hear stuff like this, I can't help but wonder about the bio-mechanics of such a thing. Cause you know, I'm a little odd.

 

[Mantichorus]

So, what you're saying, Mantichorus, is that Vincent is hito?

Hmm, I know hito's a Brit, but if he's from Scotland, Wales, Republic of Ireland, Northern Ireland, Isle of Man or Berwick-Upon-Tweed, you've just signed your own death sentence. But if he's English British, then sure.

@Mantichorus: Dude, that's what makes it a crack theory. On the other hand, I can expand my crack theory using that.

Moogles are so close to extinct in the Compilation that the very few still in existence have to hide themselves completely. No one has seen one in so long they have gotten confused and think the name of the species is Mog now. So when the moogle starts bleeding after getting blasted multiple times, fucking up its "I'm just a toy" disguise, and everyone realized it was real?

"Hand me the fire materia, I feel like flame broiled mog steaks!"

...Actually, that's given me my own idea...

All the moogle "dolls"? They're actually dead moogles. They've been done up by a taxidermist. If the kids ever find out, they'll be scarred for life. Although, knowing how screwed up the Planet is, possibly not so much.

 

[DrakeClawfang]

Not baseless, but I've a theory that the Fusion Swords are a symbol/metaphor for Cloud's character development over the course of AC.

 

[Mantichorus]

Not baseless, but I've a theory that the Fusion Swords are a symbol/metaphor for Cloud's character development over the course of AC.

Well then, care to elaborate?

Rufus has been bleaching his hair for years. He only ran out of bleach around the time his father died, and couldn't get hold of any more until after the Meteor crisis. How else do explain him being blonde in everything but the original game where he was clearly ginger?

Traitorous git.

 

[DrakeClawfang]

Well then, care to elaborate?

Ah sure, why not?

Cloud at the beginning of AC has gone off his own, pretty much forsaken his teammates and lived alone in the church. At this time he only uses the Main Blade to fight and that's the only one he's seen carrying around.

To expand this further, let's look at the other blades. The Hollow Blade slides over the Main Blade, while the Back Blades connect to the back of the Main Blade. Together, the three of them form the basis of the Buster Sword shape the completed swords take on. The two Side Blades don't provide such a critical function but are still an important part of the overall construct.

In AC/C, and his life as a whole, who are the most important people in Cloud's life? Easy - Tifa, Zack, Aerith, Denzel and Marlene. Obviously, Tifa, Aerith and Zack symbolize the Hollow Blade and the two Back Blades, as they are the three most important to shaping Cloud's character. Marlene and Denzel are thus naturally, the two smaller Side Blades. Together, the five of them are the people closest to Cloud. You can go a bit further with that - Tifa, as Cloud's future, is the front Hollow Blade, while Zack and Aerith, Cloud's past, are the Back Blades.

Throughout AC/C, Cloud reaffirms his bonds to those people - he reunites with his family and has visions of Aerith (and Zack in ACC). And it's as Cloud makes these connections again that he begins to add more swords to the Main Blade in his fights, rediscovering the love and support of those close to him and using more than just his primary weapon to battle.

From the Forgotten City to the Bahamut battle to the Kadaj battle, Cloud steadily adds more and more of the auxiliary swords to the Main Blade as he becomes more confident in who he is and fights to protect the people he loves. The Main Blade (Cloud) alone isn't enough to win, he has to use the auxiliary swords (Tifa/Aerith/Zack/Marlene/Denzel) to strengthen the Main Blade so it can be strong enough.

The Sephiroth battle is the pinnacle of this - Cloud unleashes his ultimate attack, Omnislash Version 5/6. He battles Sephiroth with the combined sword, then separates it and finishes him off. It's suitable Cloud does this right after Sephiroth threatens what he cherishes, and Cloud has his iconic "there's not a thing I don't cherish" retort. By responding to Sephiroth's threat with this final attack, Cloud is symbolically (and literally) attacking him with the courage and strength given to him by those around him. It's perfectly fitting that when Sephiroth threatens to take those things away, Cloud uses all six weapons individually, yet acting through one attack, to take him down, finishing off, of course, with a slash from the Main Blade.

And, most blatant, when all six swords combine, when Cloud fights with the strength of his loved ones, the Fusion Swords become the Buster Sword - a symbol of pride, courage, honor and heroism.

 

[Mantichorus]

Well, not much to say to that, other than... thanked it.

 

[DrakeClawfang]

lol, thanks!

Yeah, I put too much thought into these things sometimes....

 

[Mantichorus]

Yeah, I put too much thought into these things sometimes....

Well, if I typed up my theory regarding FFX-2, you would see what too much thought looks like.

Reno also dyes his hair. He uses henna. Faker!

(Sorry, I've just seen Sherlock Holmes, and a ginger dwarf midget is part of the plot, so I'm a little picky with my hair colour. )

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

All the moogle "dolls"? They're actually dead moogles. They've been done up by a taxidermist. If the kids ever find out, they'll be scarred for life. Although, knowing how screwed up the Planet is, possibly not so much.

Like the LoveCuddle Bears, or whatever they called them, in Futurama. "So much cheaper to genetically engineer them."

Drake, that post was well worth reading. Thanks.