Dearly Beloved, Gathered Here Today...
"Cloud...she's leaving you..."
It took a while for the words to really sink in. The idea was so unfathomable, so incomprehensible that he couldn't register them. Not properly, anyways. They didn't make sense. It didn't add up. His mind just couldn't crunch on those words and gather their true meaning. Even after he had hung up the phone on his friend, he was still dazed, confused and pondering the meaning behind the words. Or, more importantly, the action imbedded within such intolerable language. He fell into a lull, an eerie silence, his mind becoming a battle zone.
Leaving him?
The engine of the motorcycle revved to life, purring in the silence and awaiting it's master's call. Gloved fingers gripped the handlebars, cool to the touch in the chilly fall atmosphere. Boots hit the pedals, sending the bike into a flurry of excited cries. Yet he still remained void of any emotion.
"Who?"
It had been a stupid question, but the statement was just so baffling to him that it was surprising he had even managed to form a coherent sound, let alone a solid word. He should have known who
she was. There was only her. It was only ever her.
The cold wind whipped violently at his face, eyes watering from its vicious assault, and yet it still did not wake him from his paralyzed mind. The gas pedal was pushed harder, the bike picking up more speed, the wind gaining strength from it until his face became numb. Every time he tried to think about it, think about the logic behind the meaning of the words, his mind became a void. Empty spaces.
"Tifa..."
Even now, her name echoed in his mind and yet, he could not link her to the idea of
leaving. There was a pain there, sharp and true. A pinprick of pain that jolted him each time he tried to make the connection. And so, his walls came up, defending him against the realization. Yet the wall was thinning down now; he was chipping away at it. Slowly.
Tifa.
He could recall a pleasant image of her smiling. She was smiling at him.
Then she was laughing; a customer making a joke at the bar. She was humming. A soft, unspoken melody while she busied herself cleaning up.
That was his Tifa Lockheart. That was the way he knew her, the way he remembered her; the way he would always want to remember her.
They were in the kitchen, the whole family. The kids at the table with Cloud, pestering him as always. Tifa pretending to be busy at the bar, always cleaning. But she was watching, a secret smile playing on her lips all the while. He was failing at disciplining them, knowing his words were too gentle and his voice too soft. She was always better at it than him. But the best part was when she'd finally stop cleaning and take a seat next to them, joining in the teasing of Cloud. She'd then wink at him and smile playfully while Marlene and Denzel jeered. In response, he could only blush...
He had left the town far behind by now and he was surrounded by endless plains; dead terrain where monsters usually roamed. Today, they were quiet, as if understanding his plight. The planet held its breath while he tried to remember, tried to put together the missing pieces of the puzzle and decipher the truth he had worked so hard to bury.
The kids were sent to their rooms for bed by supper. Their whimpers and pleas went unheeded with one deathly look from her. They sulked off and Cloud felt his heart ache at the sight. It was, after all, his fault. He had sighed, knowing what was coming. He grabbed a bottle in preparation. It temporarily numbed the pain inflicted by her words and the sadness that always showed itself in her eyes at times like these. It was a bitter fight that had started off as a small argument; isn't that how they always were?
"You know how much it means to him to have you there..."
"
Don't you think that's selfish...?"
"
What are you so afraid of?"
Snippets of her words filtered through his alcoholic state. The toxic liquid drowned out the brunt of her voice but even then, he could hear the disappointment and it penetrated through his shield. Nothing hurt more than knowing he had failed her. He couldn't stand being a failure but he just wasn't a hero, either.
"Stop making excuses!"
He had laughed then, sarcastically. It was stupid. And it was why he was now sleeping in the living room while she had locked herself in their room. If he hadn't drank himself to the point of oblivion, he'd have heard her muffled sobs as loud as his own heartbeat in his chest...
He grimaced at the memory. Like recoiling from something hot to the touch, he withdrew himself from the memory almost as soon as he had recalled it.
Tifa's leaving. The words were beginning to make more sense, now.
But then he had reached it; the old, familiar, broken building. It was untended now. No inhabitants. The bike went to sleep and he got off, watching as the wind blew, cold and sad. It wept for it when he could not. The door swung on its hinges to the tragic music of the breeze, the sign still hanging proud and misleading.
"Tifa's SEVENTH HEAVEN"
The words sounded like a safe haven, a place of comforting. No unhappiness here. Step inside and leave all your troubles at the door. Except he hadn't; he'd brought them home to them. To her. He had driven her away; pushed them all at what he thought was a safe distance.
Inside, dust coated the wooden counters. He could see a flash of her ghost, mumbling about the dirt and grime, washcloth in hand and determination set in her delicate features. Hands on her hips, she pouted. And then he saw the girl he had destroyed.
She was losing weight, her face thin and pale. Her eyes, once so full of vigour for life, were dull and sad now. Bloodshot, red-rimmed, she hadn't been sleeping; too much time spent on tears instead. The kids were staying over at Barret's now. Told him that they missed him but it was a partial lie. She didn't want them to listen to anymore of the fights, hear her crying through the night. She didn't want to answer their difficult questions anymore. Meanwhile, he had missed it all; opting to stay in the solace of the church for some time now. Away from the kids and away from her.
"Can I ask you something?"
When she spoke, her voice held no feelings, her eyes telling him all the fight in her was gone. The strong, aloof woman he once knew was a mere shadow now, lurking behind all the pain and sorrow in her eyes.
He didn't know what to say, at a loss for words like he always was. Not like it mattered; everything that came out of his mouth only seemed to hurt her even more. He wasn't aware that it was his silence that was killing her.
She looked down at the floor, her fingers entwining, filling in the empty spaces where his should have been.
"What...what would happen to you...if there was no more me?"
She was never really expecting an answer. It should have been a sign, a hint. All those times she had threatened him, this was the turning point when threat had become reality.
Tifa is leaving me.
One final push and his walls came crumbling down. Memories flooded his mind again, like an overwhelming tidal wave. This time, the bad ones outweighed the good. All of the violent fights, all the hurtful things he had done to her. Pushing her further and further away until it finally got to her; until he finally managed to
break Tifa Lockheart.
The house he called a home was empty now. There were remnants of a life
that used to be there, signs that it once used to be called a home for what used to be a family. But now, only the wind blew and the door would slam into the wall in response, much like the way it did when she had left.
She was already packed by the time he got there, placing a glass cup to hold down the thin piece of paper on the counter. When he had urgently come running inside, she knew but she didn't turn, didn't greet him with her usual cheerful smile and open arms. Instead, she left him gazing at her back, long dark hair obscuring her face. He was out of breath, desperation making its presence known with every powerful beat of his breaking heart. He was yelling something, showing her the passion he had once felt so long ago. Only, this time he was...
"...too late."
She picked up her bags. Never looking at him, her eyes glued to the floor but she wasn't crying. No, her tears for him were dried now; done. Just like how she was with him, with their life. It was slow when she moved past him, her light footsteps making their way to the open door, letting the chilling wind into the now almost-barren house. Here, there were no children laughing. No more warm light to step into from the darkness and cold outside. No more wafting of special, home cooked food. Only her. Walking out, her back straight, hair like a dark curtain swinging with every step she took.
She paused before taking the final step.
"Cloud..."
The letter was still there, under the glass cup. Faded now, tattered, stained and wrinkled. It was exactly three years since that day. Since he had seen Tifa Lockheart walk out on him once and for all. The void he felt deep inside of him widened at the memory, like a hungry beast ravaging his insides. It tore at him from the inside out. This pain was different, though; it didn't make him cry, it didn't even make him sad. It was just...emptiness.
Nothingness. A black void.
Only then did he realize the answer to her question.
Only until she had said those words did he finally believe her threats. And finally understand what it was he had lost.
"
I'm leaving you..."