FFVII CHARACTER SMACKDOWN - The Neutrals Championship

[InterfaceLeader]

Beautiful Girl is a great actress, which is why she is able to go with the flow when Cloud kisses her and thus saves the play. Evidence only that she's good at thinking on her feet!

As for

She fucking hates putting on that dragon king getup. It’s hot, it obscures her vision, and it positively reeks under the burning stage lights. But, hey, it pays the bills! So, yes, I’m sure she’d be more than relieved and thankful for any excuse to get out of that costume every once and a while on the clock. It sure beats the hell out of the randos they invite up on stage taking a swing at her, caught up as they are in the roleplay.

She's in the Junon Bar, in her EDK suit. This, to me, suggests that far from hating the suit, Beautiful Girl LOVES the suit? Why? Because it stops weird creepy potato men from putting the moves on. As a Beautiful Girl she's ogled and harassed, so on her holiday rather than put on a bikini and go to Costa del Sol, she puts that same dragon suit on and heads to Junon to a bar (the Turk bar, no less) to drink hard liqour.

Beautiful Girl is tough stuff. Must run in the family.

So if potato-man starts trying it on? She's going to knock him halfway to heaven, mutant potato cells be-damned.

Meanwhile, what's potato-man's motivation for this fight? He doesn't even want to be there! As Licorice pointed out:

Time and fate eventually brought him to the sunny shores of Costa del Sol, where he found a lifestyle he could believe in, dedicated to love, friendship, and pleasure.

What is Butch even doing in this dark, underground bar frequented by the very Turks he managed to escape? He's wandered in by accident, and the second he realises where he is, he'll scarper. He doesn't have any skin in this fight, and he really doesn't want to beat up a costumed dragon, or the Beautiful Girl inside.

As for being formed partly from Jenova cells, we see no sign that he's drawn to the reunion - he doesn't even try and find a black cloak to wear. Her influence is negligible at best, she's just not interested in a Heidegger corrupted potato.

And let's be honest, her lack of interest is hardly unique. Butch is unlucky in love, unlucky in life, whereas EDK/Beautiful Girl is a gritter making her dreams of stardom come true. And with a penchant for parts that involve big ugly green spiky fire-breathing lizard costumes it's clear that she's not interested in riding on her looks. No, she's her cousin's cousin alright. Holding up the honour of Beautiful Girl's everywhere!

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

Super-Potato is there to fight evil.

After he left Shinra he vowed he would only ever use his powers for good.

And what is more evil than an EVIL dragon king?

 

[InterfaceLeader]

If he is that super, I feel like he would quickly figure out that Evil Dragon King is naught but a character in a play. But not just any character, and not just any play. The play at Event Square is a surprisingly wholesome play that brings some light and joy into a dark world. And the EDK is a symbol, a symbol of the redemptive power... not of love, but of LAUGHTER.

Potato man isn't interested in destroying what little laughter and joy there is left in the world. Why would he? By your own admission he fights Evil. And he's been with the Turks, he knows that the things that are labelled EVIL in capital letters rarely are: true evil hides in the shadows and looks for scapegoats, they don't parade around performing family entertainment.

Nope, I fully support Potato Man and his generous and noble impulse to throw the fight and let EDK/Beautiful Girl drink in peace.

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

He'll throw the fight if she will. If she's as nice a person as everyone says she is, she won't want to fight him either. They'll have a drink together instead and get to know each other. They both have some interesting stories to tell!

 

[Lestat]

Let's face it, potato man is just gonna shrivel up in the sun and grow daisies out of his tentacle like armpit hair before slinking away into the shadows to spend his nights crying into his anime body pillow while trying not to leave marks due to her being a collector's item.

On the other hand we have the wicked dragon, some say it's a suit donned atop an actor's body, some may even cry this is a weakness but let me remind you friends. In a videogame where NPC's are characters used to build plot can we really say that this majestic beast is a true NPC? An NPC is a non playable character by design but what happens when your NPC has an NPC inside?
Our NPC becomes a PC and as we all know a pc is much more powerful than a playstation 1 which ff7 was coded on.

 

[fancy]

You see, Dio has been dominating tourism in the central continent for a while now, and now he’s looking to expand! It’s why he’s sent his actors overseas for a tour out east, and that’s where BG in EDK finds herself.

Before she found herself working in the Saucer, see, she, like a lot of young, naive girls, tried to make it big in Midgar but couldn’t handle the harsh city life. She had a few stints in Junon, hoping it’d be easier to break out in the smaller city state, mostly as a lounge singer, hoping to catch the eyes and ears of any talent agent who might finally sweep her away to stardom. This very bar that the showdown takes place in is the same bar that a younger Dio spotted her. She remembers the humiliation, the creepy regulars, the stench. She’d rather boil in that dragon suit than risk being recognised by one of those regular from so many years ago.

Now, the evil that Super Potato was drawn to?

BG in EDK is sick of it. Despite her naturally cheerful disposition, she has been shaken by this gruelling work and does not see anyway out of Dio’s fast. The cost of rent, food, and utilities is always just a little more than what Dio pays. So she’s turned to other means of securing monies. That’s right—BG has tearfully turned to a life of pushing drugs and this Junon Bar is one of the marked spots for a dealing to go down. That’s what’s drawn Super Potato in. He wants to stop this dirty dealin’ and potentially save a life from being ruined by crime in the process

 

[Lestat]

You see, Dio has been dominating tourism in the central continent for a while now, and now he’s looking to expand! It’s why he’s sent his actors overseas for a tour out east, and that’s where BG in EDK finds herself.

Before she found herself working in the Saucer, see, she, like a lot of young, naive girls, tried to make it big in Midgar but couldn’t handle the harsh city life. She had a few stints in Junon, hoping it’d be easier to break out in the smaller city state, mostly as a lounge singer, hoping to catch the eyes and ears of any talent agent who might finally sweep her away to stardom. This very bar that the showdown takes place in is the same bar that a younger Dio spotted her. She remembers the humiliation, the creepy regulars, the stench. She’d rather boil in that dragon suit than risk being recognised by one of those regular from so many years ago.

Now, the evil that Super Potato was drawn to?

BG in EDK is sick of it. Despite her naturally cheerful disposition, she has been shaken by this gruelling work and does not see anyway out of Dio’s fast. The cost of rent, food, and utilities is always just a little more than what Dio pays. So she’s turned to other means of securing monies. That’s right—BG has tearfully turned to a life of pushing drugs and this Junon Bar is one of the marked spots for a dealing to go down. That’s what’s drawn Super Potato in. He wants to stop this dirty dealin’ and potentially save a life from being ruined by crime in the process

Thats all good on paper but when you look at the past actions of the frisky potato we see the truth hidden behind the Costa del sol curtain.

Dio is a business man, sure like many others his industry may be fuelled by corruption but how does this corruption happen? Because of people like mashed potato boy!
These lowlifes pray on the big machine and exploits it's weaknesses. His lust for beautiful girls who would normally flee in terror away from him has caused him to become a jaded human being who secretly hates all women and longs to prove them wrong.
He gets his own back by exploiting their weaknesses and making them do exactly what he says.

I think is the BG is indeed ashamed of anything it's the fact that baked potato has spent a lifetime of making her life hell. So much so she ran TO the gold saucer and donned the appearance of the evil dragon king. Finally gaining some control over her life her new persona empowers her to go back to Costa del sol where her tormentor lives and then burn his fucking house down with him inside!

Leaving only his over sized anime body pillow and the smell of chips in the air.

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

I'd like to see some evidence that women flee in terror from Butch. The only woman we know who fled was Yuffie, and that was because she'd taken advantage of his kindness to rob him.

And did his subsequent actions show how bitterly he hates all women? Did he seek revenge? Did he try to hunt her down? Did he demand that Cloud and Co hand her over? No, he shrugged and said, effectively, 'them's the breaks'. Not exactly the actions of a man whose heart has been darkened against all women, is it?

 

[InterfaceLeader]

Potatoes are meant to be kept cool and dark, whereas Butch chose to work right out in the middle of the hottest and most humid town on the Planet. Me thinks he has a death-wish -- he's seen too much, experienced too much, and now he's deliberately seeking out the worst environment.

He doesn't care that Yuffie robs him because he knows he doesn't have long left for this life. The rot has already set in, and he's destined for the compost bin.

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

He has discovered his destiny as a Baked Potato.

Team Moogle shouldn't be so lookist. A man doesn't have to look like Cloud in order to be a hero. A woman doesn't have to look like Tifa in order to be a badass. The fact that Butch looks like a balding, middle-aged, failed materia salesman is the perfect cover for his alternate life as a warrior against evil.

Edited to add: You may have forgotten Butch received some of his genetic legacy from a mashed potato, which was already hot and moist. High humidity doesn't faze him.

 

[InterfaceLeader]

Even worse! Mashed potato only lasts, what, 3-5 days if refrigerated? Were those potatoes mashed with milk, butter, cheese or sour cream? There's a definite whiff to Butch, the kind of smell you might get if you left milk sat out in Costa del Sol for a few days...

So we've got a mouldy potato who wants nothing more than to experience the company of a pretty woman before he dies and has no motivation to fight, versus a young, fit woman clad in a cushioned and well-armoured costume who is hard-working, quick witted, and doesn't take any crap from anybody.

 

[fancy]

Team Moogle shouldn't be so lookist. A man doesn't have to look like Cloud in order to be a hero. A woman doesn't have to look like Tifa in order to be a badass. The fact that Butch looks like a balding, middle-aged, failed materia salesman is the perfect cover for his alternate life as a warrior against evil.

Hear! Hear! Enough shaming of our hero’s looks.

Your own teammate has admitted that there is something alluring about the (potato) man.

Butch may be a cute, weirdly attractive tiny bald man

That is because B is a woman of class and taste, and I respect her. Despite his being her opponent’s champion, even she can’t deny the glowing spirit she sees in this man who lacks the conventionally attractive looks.

And enough talk of his rotting away! He has been preserved by his genetic makeup, that has ensured his survival through childhood all the way through his time with the Turks. He’s more man than potato. He speaks, he grows facial hair, he has feelings, desires, fears, and aspirations. One of those fears is to end up forever alone, but he is too decent of a bloke to force himself on anyone, as demonstrated by the way he let Yuffie go despite her deception. Enough of the slander and lies! SAD.

Oh, and did I mention that he has spent time with the Turks? As my teammate has told you all, Butch’s skills were so impressive that he became the right hand spud of Tseng, of all people. Tseng, who is held in high regard by all who associate with him. Tseng, the talented, no-nonsense head of the Turks whose reputation precedes him within the Shinra circle—people know that he gets shit done (and most lack the nerve to be told how he gets shit done). This same Tseng holds our champion, Butch, in the highest regard for his work on the field and his humanity off it.

Now what sort of person does one have to be to earn the respect of the likes of Tseng? The sort of person who would own this smackdown with little effort. Certainly his field experience as a secret agent and assassin trumps Beautiful Girl’s experience as a stage actress and lounge singer. Sure, Beautiful Girl has grit, but she isn’t the only one. She’s a sensible woman. She’d concede to the fight having recognised who is the superior fighter and realising that this spud with a heart of gold means no harm.

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

Even worse! Mashed potato only lasts, what, 3-5 days if refrigerated? Were those potatoes mashed with milk, butter, cheese or sour cream? There's a definite whiff to Butch, the kind of smell you might get if you left milk sat out in Costa del Sol for a few days...

So we've got a mouldy potato who wants nothing more than to experience the company of a pretty woman before he dies and has no motivation to fight, versus a young, fit woman clad in a cushioned and well-armoured costume who is hard-working, quick witted, and doesn't take any crap from anybody.

Only part of his genetic legacy is mashed potato. He's also got Jenova, Heidegger and some mako mixed in there. You seriously think a lounge singer in a latex dragon suit is going to be a match for Super Potato? But like I said, he's willing to throw the match if she is. He's even willing to let it be decided on a gill toss. He doesn't want to hurt innocent people.

 

[Lestat]

Team Moogle shouldn't be so lookist. A man doesn't have to look like Cloud in order to be a hero. A woman doesn't have to look like Tifa in order to be a badass. The fact that Butch looks like a balding, middle-aged, failed materia salesman is the perfect cover for his alternate life as a warrior against evil.

Hear! Hear! Enough shaming of our hero’s looks.

Your own teammate has admitted that there is something alluring about the (potato) man.

Butch may be a cute, weirdly attractive tiny bald man

That is because B is a woman of class and taste, and I respect her. Despite his being her opponent’s champion, even she can’t deny the glowing spirit she sees in this man who lacks the conventionally attractive looks.

And enough talk of his rotting away! He has been preserved by his genetic makeup, that has ensured his survival through childhood all the way through his time with the Turks. He’s more man than potato. He speaks, he grows facial hair, he has feelings, desires, fears, and aspirations. One of those fears is to end up forever alone, but he is too decent of a bloke to force himself on anyone, as demonstrated by the way he let Yuffie go despite her deception. Enough of the slander and lies! SAD.

Oh, and did I mention that he has spent time with the Turks? As my teammate has told you all, Butch’s skills were so impressive that he became the right hand spud of Tseng, of all people. Tseng, who is held in high regard by all who associate with him. Tseng, the talented, no-nonsense head of the Turks whose reputation precedes him within the Shinra circle—people know that he gets shit done (and most lack the nerve to be told how he gets shit done). This same Tseng holds our champion, Butch, in the highest regard for his work on the field and his humanity off it.

Now what sort of person does one have to be to earn the respect of the likes of Tseng? The sort of person who would own this smackdown with little effort. Certainly his field experience as a secret agent and assassin trumps Beautiful Girl’s experience as a stage actress and lounge singer. Sure, Beautiful Girl has grit, but she isn’t the only one. She’s a sensible woman. She’d concede to the fight having recognised who is the superior fighter and realising that this spud with a heart of gold means no harm.

Well while the potato was 2nd best to tseng our hero was training all the versions of bahamut.
You think you become the dragon king while legendary summons still exist?
Pffft I think not

While your potato filled his pockets full of Gil our hero is off helping others to save the world.
Now gather round children while I sing you a lil song

Gosh, it disturbs me to see you Evil Dragon King
Looking so down in the dumps
Every guy here'd love to be you, EDK
Even when taking your lumps
There's no man or woman in town as admired as you
You're everyone's favorite dragon
Everyone's awed and inspired by you
And it's not very hard to see why

No one's slick as EDK
No one's quick as EDK
No one's neck's as incredibly thick as EDK'S
For there's no dragon in town half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon
You can ask any potato, tseng, or reno
And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on-o.

Who play cards like EDK?
Who break hearts like EDK?
Who’s much more than the sum of his parts like EDK?
As a dragon king, yes, I'm intimidating
My, what a dragon, that EDKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

 

[fancy]

^I see you've found a copy of the lyrics that BG chose to sing in order to land her part as the EDK!! I hear it was a stunning audition.

 

[Mother]

Your own teammate has admitted that there is something alluring about the (potato) man.

Butch may be a cute, weirdly attractive tiny bald man

That is because B is a woman of class and taste, and I respect her.

Oh ho, see, that's where you're wrong! I have neither taste nor class—just look at my dating history, yikes—and as I've highlighted in my quote, even I can't quite figure out my inexplicable attraction to the potato man with the confused identity.

 

[InterfaceLeader]

Only part of his genetic legacy is mashed potato. He's also got Jenova, Heidegger and some mako mixed in there. You seriously think a lounge singer in a latex dragon suit is going to be a match for Super Potato? But like I said, he's willing to throw the match if she is. He's even willing to let it be decided on a gill toss. He doesn't want to hurt innocent people.

I don't know, Jenova cells seem to lead mostly to people donning black cloaks, mumbling illegible comments about reunions, and occasionally having psychotic breaks. Those few people who DO thrive on Jenova cells all seem to sport a certain ageless, smooth skinned look you might describe as bishounen. Sadly, I fear Butch is doomed to collapse into empty air like so many of his Jenova brethren, leaving behind naught but a few potato peelings.

And then there's Heidegger's DNA - that hardly seems like the stuff of super heroes. Has Heidegger ever fought someone who could fight back? His DNA doesn't seem to add much of a saving grace to this unscientific cocktail.

Was Butch Tseng's right-hand man, or did he just think he was - an excellent cover for the fact the Turks were keeping a wary eye on an accidental experiment? And once they realised Butch was, in fact, mostly harmless, they let him 'escape'. I mean, the guy hangs out in full view in Costa del Sol - doesn't seem like the Turks are trying that hard to bring him back in!

Would EDK/BG throw the match, taking pity on this poor, pathetic, balding potato? Maybe -- though I'll let my teammates have the final say on that one.

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

Well while the potato was 2nd best to tseng our hero was training all the versions of bahamut.
You think you become the dragon king while legendary summons still exist?
Pffft I think not

While your potato filled his pockets full of Gil our hero is off helping others to save the world.
Now gather round children while I sing you a lil song

Gosh, it disturbs me to see you Evil Dragon King
Looking so down in the dumps
Every guy here'd love to be you, EDK
Even when taking your lumps
There's no man or woman in town as admired as you
You're everyone's favorite dragon
Everyone's awed and inspired by you
And it's not very hard to see why

No one's slick as EDK
No one's quick as EDK
No one's neck's as incredibly thick as EDK'S
For there's no dragon in town half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon
You can ask any potato, tseng, or reno
And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on-o.

Who play cards like EDK?
Who break hearts like EDK?
Who’s much more than the sum of his parts like EDK?
As a dragon king, yes, I'm intimidating
My, what a dragon, that EDKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

Team Moogle, you need to get your story straight. Is EDK an actual evil dragon king, or is it a beautiful girl in a dragon costume? It can't be both.

 

[fancy]

Your own teammate has admitted that there is something alluring about the (potato) man.



That is because B is a woman of class and taste, and I respect her.

Oh ho, see, that's where you're wrong! I have neither taste nor class—just look at my dating history, yikes—and as I've highlighted in my quote, even I can't quite figure out my inexplicable attraction to the potato man with the confused identity.

Must be the pheromones.

Only part of his genetic legacy is mashed potato. He's also got Jenova, Heidegger and some mako mixed in there. You seriously think a lounge singer in a latex dragon suit is going to be a match for Super Potato? But like I said, he's willing to throw the match if she is. He's even willing to let it be decided on a gill toss. He doesn't want to hurt innocent people.

I don't know, Jenova cells seem to lead mostly to people donning black cloaks, mumbling illegible comments about reunions, and occasionally having psychotic breaks. Those few people who DO thrive on Jenova cells all seem to sport a certain ageless, smooth skinned look you might describe as bishounen. Sadly, I fear Butch is doomed to collapse into empty air like so many of his Jenova brethren, leaving behind naught but a few potato peelings.

But you see, that's what makes our hero so extraordinary. He's been evading Jenova's influence for all these years because he's just that mentally strong. Jenova is weak against the self-assured types with wills of iron.

We look at at the likes of Cloud Strife as the primal example of the extent of damage that Jenova can cause to a host strong enough to endure this virus. You cite that hosts like Cloud sport an ageless, 'bishie' look as though this is the rule, ignoring the fact that Cloud was already a little effeminate looking to begin with.

Spoiler: Just look at him here, prior to being injected with Jenova cells in Hojo's laboratory

If the boy hadn't been so fixated on becoming a First Class SOLDIER, he might've gotten his big break in modelling. Yes, I'll take that infinity scarf in blue, please!​

It turns out that hosts that are infected with the Jenova virus can look like Butch, too. But we don't hear about heroes like Butch because he isn't particularly sexy looking or exciting. He's a decent person with simple desires—there isn't enough angst there that's marketable. So he's kept back, hidden. The Neville Longbottom to Cloud's Harry Potter. This is an unfortunate byproduct of a society so caught up in looks.

And then there's Heidegger's DNA - that hardly seems like the stuff of super heroes. Has Heidegger ever fought someone who could fight back? His DNA doesn't seem to add much of a saving grace to this unscientific cocktail.

It just goes to show, you can come from the humblest of beginnings—directly from Heideggers nostrils even—and still make something of yourself. What a guy, this spud is!

Was Butch Tseng's right-hand man, or did he just think he was - an excellent cover for the fact the Turks were keeping a wary eye on an accidental experiment? And once they realised Butch was, in fact, mostly harmless, they let him 'escape'. I mean, the guy hangs out in full view in Costa del Sol - doesn't seem like the Turks are trying that hard to bring him back in!

Because Turks don't turn their back on other Turks—even the ones that choose to leave the service. There's too much love and loyalty there. An understanding shared amongst a people who lead a dangerous, unique type of life. Where the person against your back could mean the difference between you walking away from a field job whole or in a casket.

Besides, The Spud was Buds with Tseng. No Turk would dare disrespect the Head Turk's ex-partner in that manner—not unless they had a deathwish! They might look to Butch longingly, but give a single nod in understanding. They've all been there—that dark place that might drive a Turk to abandon their post...

 

[Lestat]

Well while the potato was 2nd best to tseng our hero was training all the versions of bahamut.
You think you become the dragon king while legendary summons still exist?
Pffft I think not

While your potato filled his pockets full of Gil our hero is off helping others to save the world.
Now gather round children while I sing you a lil song

Gosh, it disturbs me to see you Evil Dragon King
Looking so down in the dumps
Every guy here'd love to be you, EDK
Even when taking your lumps
There's no man or woman in town as admired as you
You're everyone's favorite dragon
Everyone's awed and inspired by you
And it's not very hard to see why

No one's slick as EDK
No one's quick as EDK
No one's neck's as incredibly thick as EDK'S
For there's no dragon in town half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon
You can ask any potato, tseng, or reno
And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on-o.

Who play cards like EDK?
Who break hearts like EDK?
Who’s much more than the sum of his parts like EDK?
As a dragon king, yes, I'm intimidating
My, what a dragon, that EDKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

Team Moogle, you need to get your story straight. Is EDK an actual evil dragon king, or is it a beautiful girl in a dragon costume? It can't be both.

Oh I believe we can.
Lest we forget your man is also a potato

 

[InterfaceLeader]

Team Moogle, you need to get your story straight. Is EDK an actual evil dragon king, or is it a beautiful girl in a dragon costume? It can't be both.

Oh I believe we can.
Lest we forget your man is also a potato

"That's the magic of art and the magic of theatre: it has the power to transform an audience, an individual, or en masse, to transform them and give them an epiphanal experience that changes their life, opens their hearts and their minds and the way they think." - Brian Stokes Mitchell

 

[fancy]

omg, a sentient, functional, independent, genetically modified potato who is able to form bonds and fight crime, okay??

Would a normal potato be able to keep a shop and desire human companionship? What, do you think he's not good enough for anyone just because his genetic make-up has strong traces of Solanum tuberosum?? Despite all that he's done to prove his very humanity?

*Wipes tears from eyes* You know, it's this sort of prejudiced, blind disregard for people who may be a little different from everyone else that's tearing this world apart. Team Moogle, I beg of thee, stop denying Butch his personood and recognise him for who he is! Not what he is! Judges, I plead with you! Disregard this slander campaign set against my champion. All his life he's had to fight this stigma—don't be another condoning voice for the spiteful chorus of others. T_T

 

[Mother]

*Wipes tears from eyes* You know, it's this sort of prejudiced, blind disregard for people who may be a little different from everyone else that's tearing this world apart. Team Moogle, I beg of thee, stop denying Butch his personood and recognise him for who he is! Not what he is! Judges, I plead with you! Disregard this slander campaign set against my champion. All his life he's had to fight this stigma—don't be another condoning voice in the spiteful chorus of others. T_T

*Denies personhood*

*Eats crisps*

 

[fancy]

Spoiler: Apt words straight from the mouth of another sentient food item.

 

[Mother]