FFVII CHARACTER SMACKDOWN - The Neutrals Championship

[fancy]

Ahem, ahem!

Contrary to how he looks, the EDK is a frail character who not only has a history of being nauseated by love, but he is easily disoriented by things such as disorder and being kissed on some randy.

Lo! Witness how he reacts to Cloud deviating from the play’s intended trajectory!

When Cloud chooses to Defeat the King

What ho! Do you dare ignore the Evil Dragon King!?
Gaaaaaaaah!

O_O! Take a chill pill, dragon boy!

Let’s look at what happens when Cloud kisses the EDK

What...
Urrrrrgh

And that’s when EDK turns into gasp!!!! Beautiful Girl!!

Having been trapped in the body of a dragon for so long, Beautiful Girl would be bursting with gratitude for Butch’s assistance in liberating her from her curse of working this shitty, exhausting job where she has to dress in hot costumes and deal with randos. Being that the EDK would technically be no more at this point, Butch would technically have won.

 

[Mother]

Oh, so you're saying that the Beautiful Girl as the Evil Dragon King would just automatically allow Butch to kiss her just like that? Just because he offers to "liberate" her? What about her agency? What if she doesn't want to be liberated? Now that is just some patriarchal bullshit ASSumption over here.

Now listen here, you sad hashbrown lookin' ass fuck, even in its Beautiful Girl form, the Evil Dragon King wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot butterfly net now that you've shown your true entitled Incel colours. Oooooooh boy you in trouble now. Not only does the Evil Dragon King have the breath to turn you into french fries, to my recollection,

Spoiler: Beautiful Girl had some of her own tricks up her sleeve.

Boom.

 

[InterfaceLeader]

A dragon and a merchant met in a bar.

"GAAAAHHHH!" said the dragon and belched out a flame.

The merchant drew himself to his full height - which wasn't much. "Love!" the merchant said. "Love vanquishes the dragon! Quick, find me a girl to kiss!"

The only two women in the bar looked at each other, and then quietly finished their drinks and left without a word.

"Make it a quick and don't break anything," the bartender said. "You know the Turks love this bar, and would be pissed if anything happened to it."

"I'll have you know they call me Butch for a reason," the merchant said to the dragon, his chest (and belly) puffed, sweat gathering on his brow.

"I do enjoy an ironic nickname," the dragon replied, then balled up his mighty claw and punched the merchant right the moustache.

"Shiva's tit, that hurt," said the merchant, after he picked himself back up and dusted off his jacket. "Screw this for a game of Chocobos, I'm just a shopkeeper! I'm heading back to Costa Del Sol, where the girls have such low standards they even like that creepy scientist. Adios, dragon! Enjoy the spoils of your victory, whatever they are!"

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

A potato, you say?

By day a mild-mannered materia salesman at the famous Costa del Sol resort, when danger strikes, Butch transforms into

Super Potato

Faster than a speeding zolom, more powerful than a behemoth, able to leap over evil dragon kings at a single bound....

Look, up in the sky! It's a garuda! No, it's an airship! No, it's - Super Potato!

Biff! Pow! Take that, EDK! The defeated enemy lies quivering at Super Potato's silk-booted feet, waiting for the local constabulary to come and take him away.

What? You don't believe me? Surely you know that before scientists experiment on human beings, protocol dictates that they must experiment on all sorts of non-human cells. Yes - Super Potato had the tragic beginnings we have come to expect from a FFVII hero. He was accidentally grown in one of Hojo's dishes - not a petrie dish, but a plate from the Shinra canteen, left forgotten under a pile of computer printer-outs - his genetic inheritance a mix of Jenova cells, raw mako, mashed potato, chocobo gravy, and some drops that fell on the plate when Heidegger sneezed. Narrowly escaping an early death in the canteen's deep-fat chip fryer by growing a pair of legs and running away, Butch grew up fending for himself in the ventilation shafts of the Shinra building, a feral potato-child who had never known a mother's love.

When he was a teenager he was discovered by Veld of the Turks rummaging through one of the departmental rubbish bins in search of discarded spliffs. Realising Butch had a unique set of skills they could use, Veld adopted Butch and trained him for several years, partnering him with Tseng. Tseng became very attached to his spud buddy; the mean streak he displayed in later years is down to the fact that he never got over losing his beloved Butch.

Because Super-Potato had eyes... lots of eyes... He could see that what Shinra and the Turks were doing was morally impermissible, and he wanted no part of it. So he staged his own death in a raid on a crisp factory (if Turks never eat crisps, you know why) and embarked on the hobo life, using the skills he'd acquired in his time with the department to earn a living as a monster hunter and materia trainer.

Time and fate eventually brought him to the sunny shores of Costa del Sol, where he found a lifestyle he could believe in, dedicated to love, friendship, and pleasure. He's always careful to put on plenty of Factor 50 before he goes out on the beach, because you know what'll happen if he doesn't. He'll PEEL.

So as you can see, Butch aka Super-Potato has plenty to fight for and the skills with which to do it! He's not going to let the Evil Dragon King take his wonderful life away from him! Never will Super-Potato allow EVIL to triumph. He fights for truth, for justice, and for the Costa del Sol way!

 

[fancy]

Oh, so you're saying that the Beautiful Girl as the Evil Dragon King would just automatically allow Butch to kiss her just like that? Just because he offers to "liberate" her? What about her agency? What if she doesn't want to be liberated? Now that is just some patriarchal bullshit ASSumption over here.

Ho Ho Ho! That is exactly what I’m saying! For her words after Cloud kisses her hand in lieu of Aeris’(or Tifa’s) are such:

Thank...you. You've released me...from the spell and I am back to my normal self...

Just as she had the agency to refuse the advantages of our spuddy hero, she has the agency to accept (and for good reason!)

Now listen here, you sad hashbrown lookin' ass fuck, even in its Beautiful Girl form, the Evil Dragon King wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot butterfly net now that you've shown your true entitled Incel colours. Oooooooh boy you in trouble now. Not only does the Evil Dragon King have the breath to turn you into french fries, to my recollection,

Spoiler: Beautiful Girl had some of her own tricks up her sleeve.

Boom.

Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk! Wrong again!

As you have observed, this Beautiful Girl resides in the Gold Saucer, where she hangs out with Noppo and the gang after work to gossip about customers and maybe do the horizontal time warp. That’s their business! The material point being: she lives in Gold Saucer on that mid, east side of the middle continent, far and away from Mideel.

Why do I bring up Mideel?

Because that’s where the balls grabbin’ ass-kickin’, eyeball scoopin’ Beautiful Girl lives. You’ve mistaken the number one gangster in all of Mideel for her soft-natured, dreamy-eyed, creative cousin, who left the family home with dreams of becoming a big actress! But lo and behold, she’s only managed to snag a small gig as a minor character in a low budget play in this sketchy amusement park for the time being. She fucking hates putting on that dragon king getup. It’s hot, it obscures her vision, and it positively reeks under the burning stage lights. But, hey, it pays the bills! So, yes, I’m sure she’d be more than relieved and thankful for any excuse to get out of that costume every once in a while on the clock. It sure beats the hell out of the randos they invite up on stage taking a swing at her, caught up as they are in the roleplay.

And we should expect nothing less out of a super hero! I’m sure he sensed her turmoil from the start, looking past the scaly green monstrosity and seeing who she is inside. T-T

 

[InterfaceLeader]

Beautiful Girl is a great actress, which is why she is able to go with the flow when Cloud kisses her and thus saves the play. Evidence only that she's good at thinking on her feet!

As for

She fucking hates putting on that dragon king getup. It’s hot, it obscures her vision, and it positively reeks under the burning stage lights. But, hey, it pays the bills! So, yes, I’m sure she’d be more than relieved and thankful for any excuse to get out of that costume every once and a while on the clock. It sure beats the hell out of the randos they invite up on stage taking a swing at her, caught up as they are in the roleplay.

She's in the Junon Bar, in her EDK suit. This, to me, suggests that far from hating the suit, Beautiful Girl LOVES the suit? Why? Because it stops weird creepy potato men from putting the moves on. As a Beautiful Girl she's ogled and harassed, so on her holiday rather than put on a bikini and go to Costa del Sol, she puts that same dragon suit on and heads to Junon to a bar (the Turk bar, no less) to drink hard liqour.

Beautiful Girl is tough stuff. Must run in the family.

So if potato-man starts trying it on? She's going to knock him halfway to heaven, mutant potato cells be-damned.

Meanwhile, what's potato-man's motivation for this fight? He doesn't even want to be there! As Licorice pointed out:

Time and fate eventually brought him to the sunny shores of Costa del Sol, where he found a lifestyle he could believe in, dedicated to love, friendship, and pleasure.

What is Butch even doing in this dark, underground bar frequented by the very Turks he managed to escape? He's wandered in by accident, and the second he realises where he is, he'll scarper. He doesn't have any skin in this fight, and he really doesn't want to beat up a costumed dragon, or the Beautiful Girl inside.

As for being formed partly from Jenova cells, we see no sign that he's drawn to the reunion - he doesn't even try and find a black cloak to wear. Her influence is negligible at best, she's just not interested in a Heidegger corrupted potato.

And let's be honest, her lack of interest is hardly unique. Butch is unlucky in love, unlucky in life, whereas EDK/Beautiful Girl is a gritter making her dreams of stardom come true. And with a penchant for parts that involve big ugly green spiky fire-breathing lizard costumes it's clear that she's not interested in riding on her looks. No, she's her cousin's cousin alright. Holding up the honour of Beautiful Girl's everywhere!

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

Super-Potato is there to fight evil.

After he left Shinra he vowed he would only ever use his powers for good.

And what is more evil than an EVIL dragon king?

 

[InterfaceLeader]

If he is that super, I feel like he would quickly figure out that Evil Dragon King is naught but a character in a play. But not just any character, and not just any play. The play at Event Square is a surprisingly wholesome play that brings some light and joy into a dark world. And the EDK is a symbol, a symbol of the redemptive power... not of love, but of LAUGHTER.

Potato man isn't interested in destroying what little laughter and joy there is left in the world. Why would he? By your own admission he fights Evil. And he's been with the Turks, he knows that the things that are labelled EVIL in capital letters rarely are: true evil hides in the shadows and looks for scapegoats, they don't parade around performing family entertainment.

Nope, I fully support Potato Man and his generous and noble impulse to throw the fight and let EDK/Beautiful Girl drink in peace.

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

He'll throw the fight if she will. If she's as nice a person as everyone says she is, she won't want to fight him either. They'll have a drink together instead and get to know each other. They both have some interesting stories to tell!

 

[fancy]

You see, Dio has been dominating tourism in the central continent for a while now, and now he’s looking to expand! It’s why he’s sent his actors overseas for a tour out east, and that’s where BG in EDK finds herself.

Before she found herself working in the Saucer, see, she, like a lot of young, naive girls, tried to make it big in Midgar but couldn’t handle the harsh city life. She had a few stints in Junon, hoping it’d be easier to break out in the smaller city state, mostly as a lounge singer, hoping to catch the eyes and ears of any talent agent who might finally sweep her away to stardom. This very bar that the showdown takes place in is the same bar that a younger Dio spotted her. She remembers the humiliation, the creepy regulars, the stench. She’d rather boil in that dragon suit than risk being recognised by one of those regular from so many years ago.

Now, the evil that Super Potato was drawn to?

BG in EDK is sick of it. Despite her naturally cheerful disposition, she has been shaken by this gruelling work and does not see anyway out of Dio’s fast. The cost of rent, food, and utilities is always just a little more than what Dio pays. So she’s turned to other means of securing monies. That’s right—BG has tearfully turned to a life of pushing drugs and this Junon Bar is one of the marked spots for a dealing to go down. That’s what’s drawn Super Potato in. He wants to stop this dirty dealin’ and potentially save a life from being ruined by crime in the process

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

I'd like to see some evidence that women flee in terror from Butch. The only woman we know who fled was Yuffie, and that was because she'd taken advantage of his kindness to rob him.

And did his subsequent actions show how bitterly he hates all women? Did he seek revenge? Did he try to hunt her down? Did he demand that Cloud and Co hand her over? No, he shrugged and said, effectively, 'them's the breaks'. Not exactly the actions of a man whose heart has been darkened against all women, is it?

 

[InterfaceLeader]

Potatoes are meant to be kept cool and dark, whereas Butch chose to work right out in the middle of the hottest and most humid town on the Planet. Me thinks he has a death-wish -- he's seen too much, experienced too much, and now he's deliberately seeking out the worst environment.

He doesn't care that Yuffie robs him because he knows he doesn't have long left for this life. The rot has already set in, and he's destined for the compost bin.

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

He has discovered his destiny as a Baked Potato.

Team Moogle shouldn't be so lookist. A man doesn't have to look like Cloud in order to be a hero. A woman doesn't have to look like Tifa in order to be a badass. The fact that Butch looks like a balding, middle-aged, failed materia salesman is the perfect cover for his alternate life as a warrior against evil.

Edited to add: You may have forgotten Butch received some of his genetic legacy from a mashed potato, which was already hot and moist. High humidity doesn't faze him.

 

[InterfaceLeader]

Even worse! Mashed potato only lasts, what, 3-5 days if refrigerated? Were those potatoes mashed with milk, butter, cheese or sour cream? There's a definite whiff to Butch, the kind of smell you might get if you left milk sat out in Costa del Sol for a few days...

So we've got a mouldy potato who wants nothing more than to experience the company of a pretty woman before he dies and has no motivation to fight, versus a young, fit woman clad in a cushioned and well-armoured costume who is hard-working, quick witted, and doesn't take any crap from anybody.

 

[fancy]

Team Moogle shouldn't be so lookist. A man doesn't have to look like Cloud in order to be a hero. A woman doesn't have to look like Tifa in order to be a badass. The fact that Butch looks like a balding, middle-aged, failed materia salesman is the perfect cover for his alternate life as a warrior against evil.

Hear! Hear! Enough shaming of our hero’s looks.

Your own teammate has admitted that there is something alluring about the (potato) man.

Butch may be a cute, weirdly attractive tiny bald man

That is because B is a woman of class and taste, and I respect her. Despite his being her opponent’s champion, even she can’t deny the glowing spirit she sees in this man who lacks the conventionally attractive looks.

And enough talk of his rotting away! He has been preserved by his genetic makeup, that has ensured his survival through childhood all the way through his time with the Turks. He’s more man than potato. He speaks, he grows facial hair, he has feelings, desires, fears, and aspirations. One of those fears is to end up forever alone, but he is too decent of a bloke to force himself on anyone, as demonstrated by the way he let Yuffie go despite her deception. Enough of the slander and lies! SAD.

Oh, and did I mention that he has spent time with the Turks? As my teammate has told you all, Butch’s skills were so impressive that he became the right hand spud of Tseng, of all people. Tseng, who is held in high regard by all who associate with him. Tseng, the talented, no-nonsense head of the Turks whose reputation precedes him within the Shinra circle—people know that he gets shit done (and most lack the nerve to be told how he gets shit done). This same Tseng holds our champion, Butch, in the highest regard for his work on the field and his humanity off it.

Now what sort of person does one have to be to earn the respect of the likes of Tseng? The sort of person who would own this smackdown with little effort. Certainly his field experience as a secret agent and assassin trumps Beautiful Girl’s experience as a stage actress and lounge singer. Sure, Beautiful Girl has grit, but she isn’t the only one. She’s a sensible woman. She’d concede to the fight having recognised who is the superior fighter and realising that this spud with a heart of gold means no harm.

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

Even worse! Mashed potato only lasts, what, 3-5 days if refrigerated? Were those potatoes mashed with milk, butter, cheese or sour cream? There's a definite whiff to Butch, the kind of smell you might get if you left milk sat out in Costa del Sol for a few days...

So we've got a mouldy potato who wants nothing more than to experience the company of a pretty woman before he dies and has no motivation to fight, versus a young, fit woman clad in a cushioned and well-armoured costume who is hard-working, quick witted, and doesn't take any crap from anybody.

Only part of his genetic legacy is mashed potato. He's also got Jenova, Heidegger and some mako mixed in there. You seriously think a lounge singer in a latex dragon suit is going to be a match for Super Potato? But like I said, he's willing to throw the match if she is. He's even willing to let it be decided on a gill toss. He doesn't want to hurt innocent people.

 

[fancy]

^I see you've found a copy of the lyrics that BG chose to sing in order to land her part as the EDK!! I hear it was a stunning audition.

 

[Mother]

Your own teammate has admitted that there is something alluring about the (potato) man.

Butch may be a cute, weirdly attractive tiny bald man

That is because B is a woman of class and taste, and I respect her.

Oh ho, see, that's where you're wrong! I have neither taste nor class—just look at my dating history, yikes—and as I've highlighted in my quote, even I can't quite figure out my inexplicable attraction to the potato man with the confused identity.

 

[InterfaceLeader]

Only part of his genetic legacy is mashed potato. He's also got Jenova, Heidegger and some mako mixed in there. You seriously think a lounge singer in a latex dragon suit is going to be a match for Super Potato? But like I said, he's willing to throw the match if she is. He's even willing to let it be decided on a gill toss. He doesn't want to hurt innocent people.

I don't know, Jenova cells seem to lead mostly to people donning black cloaks, mumbling illegible comments about reunions, and occasionally having psychotic breaks. Those few people who DO thrive on Jenova cells all seem to sport a certain ageless, smooth skinned look you might describe as bishounen. Sadly, I fear Butch is doomed to collapse into empty air like so many of his Jenova brethren, leaving behind naught but a few potato peelings.

And then there's Heidegger's DNA - that hardly seems like the stuff of super heroes. Has Heidegger ever fought someone who could fight back? His DNA doesn't seem to add much of a saving grace to this unscientific cocktail.

Was Butch Tseng's right-hand man, or did he just think he was - an excellent cover for the fact the Turks were keeping a wary eye on an accidental experiment? And once they realised Butch was, in fact, mostly harmless, they let him 'escape'. I mean, the guy hangs out in full view in Costa del Sol - doesn't seem like the Turks are trying that hard to bring him back in!

Would EDK/BG throw the match, taking pity on this poor, pathetic, balding potato? Maybe -- though I'll let my teammates have the final say on that one.

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

Well while the potato was 2nd best to tseng our hero was training all the versions of bahamut.
You think you become the dragon king while legendary summons still exist?
Pffft I think not

While your potato filled his pockets full of Gil our hero is off helping others to save the world.
Now gather round children while I sing you a lil song

Gosh, it disturbs me to see you Evil Dragon King
Looking so down in the dumps
Every guy here'd love to be you, EDK
Even when taking your lumps
There's no man or woman in town as admired as you
You're everyone's favorite dragon
Everyone's awed and inspired by you
And it's not very hard to see why

No one's slick as EDK
No one's quick as EDK
No one's neck's as incredibly thick as EDK'S
For there's no dragon in town half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon
You can ask any potato, tseng, or reno
And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on-o.

Who play cards like EDK?
Who break hearts like EDK?
Who’s much more than the sum of his parts like EDK?
As a dragon king, yes, I'm intimidating
My, what a dragon, that EDKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

Team Moogle, you need to get your story straight. Is EDK an actual evil dragon king, or is it a beautiful girl in a dragon costume? It can't be both.

 

[fancy]

Your own teammate has admitted that there is something alluring about the (potato) man.



That is because B is a woman of class and taste, and I respect her.

Oh ho, see, that's where you're wrong! I have neither taste nor class—just look at my dating history, yikes—and as I've highlighted in my quote, even I can't quite figure out my inexplicable attraction to the potato man with the confused identity.

Must be the pheromones.

Only part of his genetic legacy is mashed potato. He's also got Jenova, Heidegger and some mako mixed in there. You seriously think a lounge singer in a latex dragon suit is going to be a match for Super Potato? But like I said, he's willing to throw the match if she is. He's even willing to let it be decided on a gill toss. He doesn't want to hurt innocent people.

I don't know, Jenova cells seem to lead mostly to people donning black cloaks, mumbling illegible comments about reunions, and occasionally having psychotic breaks. Those few people who DO thrive on Jenova cells all seem to sport a certain ageless, smooth skinned look you might describe as bishounen. Sadly, I fear Butch is doomed to collapse into empty air like so many of his Jenova brethren, leaving behind naught but a few potato peelings.

But you see, that's what makes our hero so extraordinary. He's been evading Jenova's influence for all these years because he's just that mentally strong. Jenova is weak against the self-assured types with wills of iron.

We look at at the likes of Cloud Strife as the primal example of the extent of damage that Jenova can cause to a host strong enough to endure this virus. You cite that hosts like Cloud sport an ageless, 'bishie' look as though this is the rule, ignoring the fact that Cloud was already a little effeminate looking to begin with.

Spoiler: Just look at him here, prior to being injected with Jenova cells in Hojo's laboratory

If the boy hadn't been so fixated on becoming a First Class SOLDIER, he might've gotten his big break in modelling. Yes, I'll take that infinity scarf in blue, please!​

It turns out that hosts that are infected with the Jenova virus can look like Butch, too. But we don't hear about heroes like Butch because he isn't particularly sexy looking or exciting. He's a decent person with simple desires—there isn't enough angst there that's marketable. So he's kept back, hidden. The Neville Longbottom to Cloud's Harry Potter. This is an unfortunate byproduct of a society so caught up in looks.

And then there's Heidegger's DNA - that hardly seems like the stuff of super heroes. Has Heidegger ever fought someone who could fight back? His DNA doesn't seem to add much of a saving grace to this unscientific cocktail.

It just goes to show, you can come from the humblest of beginnings—directly from Heideggers nostrils even—and still make something of yourself. What a guy, this spud is!

Was Butch Tseng's right-hand man, or did he just think he was - an excellent cover for the fact the Turks were keeping a wary eye on an accidental experiment? And once they realised Butch was, in fact, mostly harmless, they let him 'escape'. I mean, the guy hangs out in full view in Costa del Sol - doesn't seem like the Turks are trying that hard to bring him back in!

Because Turks don't turn their back on other Turks—even the ones that choose to leave the service. There's too much love and loyalty there. An understanding shared amongst a people who lead a dangerous, unique type of life. Where the person against your back could mean the difference between you walking away from a field job whole or in a casket.

Besides, The Spud was Buds with Tseng. No Turk would dare disrespect the Head Turk's ex-partner in that manner—not unless they had a deathwish! They might look to Butch longingly, but give a single nod in understanding. They've all been there—that dark place that might drive a Turk to abandon their post...

 

[InterfaceLeader]

Team Moogle, you need to get your story straight. Is EDK an actual evil dragon king, or is it a beautiful girl in a dragon costume? It can't be both.

Oh I believe we can.
Lest we forget your man is also a potato

"That's the magic of art and the magic of theatre: it has the power to transform an audience, an individual, or en masse, to transform them and give them an epiphanal experience that changes their life, opens their hearts and their minds and the way they think." - Brian Stokes Mitchell

 

[fancy]

omg, a sentient, functional, independent, genetically modified potato who is able to form bonds and fight crime, okay??

Would a normal potato be able to keep a shop and desire human companionship? What, do you think he's not good enough for anyone just because his genetic make-up has strong traces of Solanum tuberosum?? Despite all that he's done to prove his very humanity?

*Wipes tears from eyes* You know, it's this sort of prejudiced, blind disregard for people who may be a little different from everyone else that's tearing this world apart. Team Moogle, I beg of thee, stop denying Butch his personood and recognise him for who he is! Not what he is! Judges, I plead with you! Disregard this slander campaign set against my champion. All his life he's had to fight this stigma—don't be another condoning voice for the spiteful chorus of others. T_T

 

[Mother]

*Wipes tears from eyes* You know, it's this sort of prejudiced, blind disregard for people who may be a little different from everyone else that's tearing this world apart. Team Moogle, I beg of thee, stop denying Butch his personood and recognise him for who he is! Not what he is! Judges, I plead with you! Disregard this slander campaign set against my champion. All his life he's had to fight this stigma—don't be another condoning voice in the spiteful chorus of others. T_T

*Denies personhood*

*Eats crisps*

 

[fancy]

Spoiler: Apt words straight from the mouth of another sentient food item.