Hahah. Happy to engage in that. Points follow:
1. She was abandoned around the time of the fall of the empire. So it would seem she was being hidden. If she was related to Sidious then she would need to be for her safety. 2. We saw her fight in the force awakens. She used a kind of stabbing technique which was very palpatine style . 3. She is very very powerful but the way Han Solo was with her suggests that she is not his daughter. Luke was a Jedi so shouldn’t have children. The other option for her to have so much raw power was that she was a palpatine. 4. Luke says that he has only seen this raw strength once before and he underestimated it. He was warned not to underestimate the powers of the emperor by Yoda but he still did. 5. In the new trailer we get a loud screech when Ray is on the screen. That’s the same screech that we heard when palpatine attacked windu in the revenge of the sith
1. Jakku seems like it would be the worst possible place for Palpatine to've had a child randomly abandoned. On top of all of the highly guarded secret facilities and other ways that he's kept clandestine trainees like the Inquisitors, etc. hidden, this would've just set his child adrift, rather than giving them access to as much Dark Side information as possible, since he'd spent decades collecting all manner of Sith knowledge and artifacts, there's no plausible reason he'd've just left a 5-6 year old kid on Jakku.
2. That's because she's trained to fight with a Staff. Again, there's nothing that indicates fighting styles are inherited: See Vader & Luke.
3. Luke being a Jedi is
VERY different than officially trained Jedi during the prequel era. Insofar as we can tell, in all of the current canon comics, shows, and films, there's nothing to suggest that Luke was banned from attachments like that during his training. In fact, it's the very opposite. It's his attachments to his father and his sister that get used and push him towards the Dark Side, but he always recovers and refuses to succumb to them – the exact same way that Rey fights Kylo Ren out of rage at Han Solo's death, but refuses to deliver the killing blow, despite the temptation to (mentioned in the novelization of TFA).
4. He was referring to the raw power of Kylo Ren when the Jedi Temple was destroyed, and he underestimated that, which ultimately lead to the downfall of his academy, and him going into seclusion.
5. Timestamp on the official trailer, maybe? This seems like the biggest stretch of all, though, tbqh. Sound effects don't imply parentage. Leitmotifs, maybe.
SO, if luke was a jedi then he wasnt allowed to have attachments. Anakin was going to have to leave the order for having a kid so no a jedi cant have children Also, i dont think we know that rey was abandoned long after the fall of the empire we cant go by the age of the actors... thats just the age of the actors. I find it hard to believe that the new order was going longer than 20 years after the fall of the empire its likely that layer and han had kids not long after the fall of the empire and its likely that ren is about 20
Again, Luke's Jedi training was done when he was FAR too old by the original standards (compare to Anakin), and also didn't involve many of the problematic dogmatic teachings, so he's not banned from attachment in anything we've seen. In addition to that, Luke even gives in to his anger and rage surrounding attachments when Vader threatens Leia, but still refuses to fall to the Dark Side (just like Rey vs. Kylo Ren in TFA).
Lastly,
TFA is officially stated as taking place approx. 30 years after RotJ, so Rey would've had to be over 30 if she was his kid. If she was born around when he died, that would've meant that she was taken to Jakku and abandoned around the time of the Battle of Jakku – making it an even worse decision by the Empire. If she was born before and he put her there himself, she'd be in her mid-30s. The timeline doesn't even remotely line-up.
I'm still gonna go back to Anakin's Lightsaber as the biggest sticking point, since it's a HUGE plot device in Episode VII. It called out specifically to Rey. Maz Kanata said that
the belonging she was seeking was ahead of her (she's with Luke now) and that was also based on the calling of the Force, and when confronted with someone we KNOW is Anakin's direct descendant – the lightsaber even chose her over Ben. It was lost during Luke & Vader's conflict on Bespin, and of all the Force users that it could possibly have called out to – why Palpatine's kid? That's exacerbated by the fact that Palpatine was the one who taught Vader how to bleed and forcibly take over a kyber crystal to bend it to his will (why Sith blades are red), but the connection between the blade and Rey is a natural one – evident especially because she doesn't call to it – it calls to her. That's not a connection that's just going to be present because she's a powerful Force user, as the crystals are exceptionally picky who they call to, and there's no reason for it to choose Palpatine's child.
Lastly, The Star Wars Episodic films follow the Skywalker story, so.......
tl;dr – fun theory, but it doesn't line up at all.
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