After a bunch of vampire/werewolf crap that nobody cares about, Jacob, Edward and Edward's sister all gather around Bella waiting for Edward's doctor father to return so that he can help her birth the fast-growing demon spawn. Bella has one fucking job, which is to not mess up until the doctor arrives. Being an adorably klutzy flawed heroine, she can't manage it. She trips on her way to the bathroom, and the reader is treated to the sound of the placenta displacing (a 'muffled ripping sound'--thanks for the image, Meyer, you bitch) and a description of Bella's bladder releasing, racehorse-like urine flowing down her legs and onto the floor and - oh wait, this is a Stephenie Meyer novel, so the heroine only does more delicate things. Like 'vomiting a fountain of blood'. No, we didn't make that part up.
Bella (artist's interpretation)
With the baby suffocating, Edward and co decide to perform a vampire cesarean. Jacob takes some time off to write down 'Vampire Cesarean' as a possible future name for his punk band, and then races to Bella's side in time to hear
her spine break.
Once again, we are not making this up.
Another shattering crack inside her body, the loudest yet... Her legs, which had been curled up in agony, now went limp, sprawling out in an unnatural way.
"Her spine," he choked in horror.
It's only implied, but we like to think Edward tries to cheer Bella up about the whole paralysis thing by saying 'Hey girl, at least we don't need an epidural!' Bella gurgles some more, and Jacob takes some time out of the birthing to randomly beat up Edward's sister. That's just how Jacob rolls. At some point, Edward rips open Bella's uterus and delivers the baby.
He
rips open her uterus.
With his
teeth.
Then stabs her with a vampire venom-filled syringe.
At this point the reader is filled with something not unlike calm relief. At least nothing,
nothing in the world, could be more disturbing than this. Except, like, quasi-child porn or something. Luckily, of course, that would be entirely--
Then Jacob falls madly in love with the newborn baby girl.
No, we don't mean in the sense of 'Oh, I fell in love with that kitten the moment I saw it'. We mean in
love love. Really, what we're trying to say--and let us know if you don't understand--is that
Jacob the borderline rapist and the tiny baby vampire chest-burster are going to get married and have babies.
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