Transformers 4... Starring Marky Mark...

[Super Mario]

Meh... I am not sure how to treat this age of extinction event.

 

[Cthulhu]

Meh... I am not sure how to treat this age of extinction event.

See the previous posts: With alcohol, of course,

 

[Super Mario]

I did it with White House Down and god I was late for work due to hangover.

 

[Geostigma]

Were those explosions when Grimlock hit the ground? >.>. Unnecessary .

Clearly they are in a Methane Gas laden jungle.
The sparks from his impact on the ground are what is causing the explosions

 

[Ⓐaron]

I don't really understand how they can screw these movies up so badly. A movie about robots beating the shit out of each other should not be boring. Less talking, more robots beating the shit out of each other, please.

 

[Geostigma]

Ill be honest I dont really get bored watching Transformers movies.

Well I got kinda bored with Revenge of the Fallen but over all I was entertained. Im not going to nominate any of them for Citizen Kane status but I've certain seen much more boring movies these last few years o.o

 

[Tennyo]

Were those explosions when Grimlock hit the ground? >.>. Unnecessary .

Hey, did you know that this movie is being directed by Michael Bay?

 

[X-SOLDIER]

X

 

[Geostigma]

Idc what the tight asses say this movies going to be fucking awesome!

 

[The Twilight Mexican]

Hear, hear.

 

[Cthulhu]

I mentioned how awesome a fire-breathing metal T-rex was a while ago. Prime riding it is even better,

 

[Ghost X]

Wasn't there a meme depicting that long before this movie was even conceived?

 

[Cthulhu]

Probably,

 

[Cthulhu]

Not TF 4, but it would be neat if they added that one:

Spoiler: Dudes watch all 3 transformers movies simultaneously

 

[X-SOLDIER]

Set in a world where a girl with a STEM background can't get a college scholarship, Transformers 4 is three individual films, distilled into hour long scenes of action and interspersed with one-liners that have been randomly strung together into a non-stop, three-hour-long presentation by randomly choosing which film to switch over to during transitions. Michael Bay has the distinct talent of making a film where you only want to talk about the multitude of things that were wrong with it upon exiting the theater -- like the fact that likable characters are made annoying & annoying characters are cast in positive lights, or that Transformers are seemingly about to shrug off or recover from injury instantly but will then become suddenly mortally damaged with ease with no rhyme or reason, or that the film has some of the most gratuitous use of plot armor ever featured on screen.

Watching this film is like missing your exit at a train station and being made painfully aware that you're going to end up somewhere far later and feel confused, annoyed. You realize that even comfortable seating that you've sat through many long Middle Earth screenings in are suddenly awkward restraining devices. It has all the summertime refreshing qualities of trying to drink out of a freshly opened fire hydrant, and then being trapped against a wall by the water pressure and just deciding to try and keep going.

But something amazing has been achieved here:

I've never been to a movie where I was consistently more exhausted from the action set pieces than any of the characters who lived through them.

Dear fucking lord.




X

 

[The Twilight Mexican]

I can't tell if you're offering your own review or quoting someone. Did you actually go to a midnight premiere for this?

 

[Arianna]

In one hour I see this.

What I know so far, I'm not sure what to think.

 

[X-SOLDIER]

Oh, that's most certainly my review. I see something basically every week, so this week it was Transformers 4.



X

 

[Arianna]

Okay, I just came home from seeing it. It was an okay movie, but then again, for me, they all were "okay." As a fan of the Transformers, I like the movie(s), but that's about it - except I think Michael Bay is good for one thing, and that is action (in other words: explosions.)

I'm not happy how Galvatron was handled.

Spoiler

I don't like the idea that humans created him, via Megatron's manipulation, even if it's via Megatron's manipulation

. Same with the other Decepticons. It's just... eh. I don't like humans in the story more than they already are. *shrug*

With all the

Spoiler

"creators"

talk though, I wonder if Lockdown was working for

Spoiler

the Quintessons

?

 

[The Twilight Mexican]

That would certainly go some lengths toward explaining why

Spoiler

Decepticon seems to be the default mode for Transformers in the film continuity. Which would mean the good guys are abberations.

 

[Arianna]

That would certainly go some lengths toward explaining why

Spoiler

Decepticon seems to be the default mode for Transformers in the film continuity. Which would mean the good guys are abberations.

Yeah, I know! Does the

Spoiler

Spark

make anything nice?

 

[Geostigma]

Set in a world where a girl with a STEM background can't get a college scholarship, Transformers 4 is three individual films, distilled into hour long scenes of action and interspersed with one-liners that have been randomly strung together into a non-stop, three-hour-long presentation by randomly choosing which film to switch over to during transitions. Michael Bay has the distinct talent of making a film where you only want to talk about the multitude of things that were wrong with it upon exiting the theater -- like the fact that likable characters are made annoying & annoying characters are cast in positive lights, or that Transformers are seemingly about to shrug off or recover from injury instantly but will then become suddenly mortally damaged with ease with no rhyme or reason, or that the film has some of the most gratuitous use of plot armor ever featured on screen.

Watching this film is like missing your exit at a train station and being made painfully aware that you're going to end up somewhere far later and feel confused, annoyed. You realize that even comfortable seating that you've sat through many long Middle Earth screenings in are suddenly awkward restraining devices. It has all the summertime refreshing qualities of trying to drink out of a freshly opened fire hydrant, and then being trapped against a wall by the water pressure and just deciding to try and keep going.

But something amazing has been achieved here:

I've never been to a movie where I was consistently more exhausted from the action set pieces than any of the characters who lived through them.

Dear fucking lord.




X

Not that I'm saying this because I think ill like the movie (havent seen it yet)
but honestly.. these kind of reviews suck

You somehow channeled traits of every annoying pretentious movie reviewer who spends more time thinking of quips during the movie instead of watching and went full on super saiyan in it lol.

Im not saying your review is invalid. Its probably incredibly valid but I just hate when reviewers say a whole lot of nothing while trying to be witty about a bad movie. The movie may say a whole lot of nothing and be flashy.. that doesnt mean your review has to as well.


I've liked your past posts on movies and honestly expected much much more.

 

[The Twilight Mexican]

Yeah, that's part of why I didn't recognize whether it was your own review. The writing style just didn't sound like you. I felt like I was reading a Lawrence Toppman review instead (this guy complained in his review of "The Two Towers" that Strider, Legolas and Gimli did too well, making him feel like he was watching Thor and the Hulk take on Middle-earth).

I think part of it stems from not referencing anything specific within the review. It would then become a puzzle, where someone reading the review has to watch the movie looking for what you were talking about.

Film critics do this all the time, and it really is annoying. Like Gabriel said, I haven't the slightest doubt that everything you said is applicable. If I'm reading a review, though, I want to understand why it's being said without having to watch the movie to get the answers. I'll never understand how the "professionals" people look to in order to determine if they want to see a movie get away with telling them nothing about it. That's different from what I've come to expect from your reviews.

 

[X-SOLDIER]

The reason that my review here was more of a professional critic parody tone was because that's LITERALLY all I took away from it. I was completely drained of any plot-focused or film-specific content. It felt like I left the theater with nothing more than a list of cliché bullet points about the vague terrible moments that I experienced during the film, and didn't pick up anything about the movie itself, because literally not a single piece of the actual film stuck with me, and after three hours it was somehow all a vague memory that didn't retain my suspension of disbelief long enough for me to actually feel like I'd watched something.

I fucking love watching movies and talking about them, but I've never felt like I've had my soul sucked out and watched a product-placement-fueled unconstructed disaster for three hours, and that's all I was left with.

I don't even know the names of 2/3rds of the new Autobots after three. fucking. hours. Hell, I think I know the names of two of the humans (Tessa and… Kade(?)) The whole thing was like a surreal endurance experience. My jaw was sore until this afternoon because I was chewing gum in frustration while watching it, and apparently got cramps from it.

I just… I got nothing man. I was expecting Michael Bay summer action flick that I'd make points about my likes and dislikes and the overabundance of explosions, etc. but I just didn't even have that. My post is literally the brain vomit that I had floating in my skull when I left the theater, and I don't even understand why.


But now that I've had some time to decompress, let's see if I can make some more specific points about the film itself that aren't centered around me dealing with sitting through it:

Spoiler

• Three films: "Lockdown & Govt Vs. Optimus Prime and Autobots" "Megatron & Decepticons Return via Corporate Manipulation" "Farm Family Meets Transformers" -- I didn't believe any interactions between characters on one plot crossing into the other. Ever.
• Optimus Prime is critically injured, which seems like a big point, him being with an inventor/robotics nut and all… until he scans another semi on the freeway and is miraculously healed.
• The Galvatron/Stinger artificial Transformers are able to reform and are invincible in their first encounter… until they're just getting knocked down and dying from basic melee and bullets later.
• There's a scene where, after a bunch of inter-city destruction, a hunk of the ship hits a guys car- totaling it and almost killing him, and while in shock he says Marky Mark better have insurance, and he grabs a bud light off the ground, drinks it, and then threatens the guy who was almost killed. Also, very little focus on the impact of collateral damage after making a fucking HUGE deal about it in the beginning of the film.
• Lockdown has crazy time-freezing-metal grenades that we never see again aside from the opening where it kills the surfer dude. Also, his big weapon is apparently a super weak version of the gravity wrecking device from Man of Steel.
• Optimus Prime apparently has fucking rocket boots that will allow him to travel into deep space, but never uses them until the end (like, to run away and scan other things, or to escape from Lockdown, or anything).
• There were apparently Dinobots in the past or something, but not the ones that we see in the film, because they were some kind of warriors? But they apparently hate Optimus Prime? But they team up when he bests them in Combat?
• Cross-hairs, Ken Watanabe, & John Goodman were new Transformers. I heard Cross-Hairs' name once and saw it on a targeting screen before that which is how I noticed it.
• I can apparently only listen to one-liner dialogue for so long, and the CEO guy pushed way past that.
• Apparently all Chinese people know martial arts, and it's cool to show a car full of hip Chinese kids being sucked into an alien spacecraft where they die.
• Megatron doesn't follow through on his plan or chase Optimus Prime because of… reasons.
• I literally don't know if I was supposed to like it hate any of the characters. Also, every single human was even more of a one-dimensional cobbled together caricature than any of the worst Transformers.
• There were apparently organic aliens that played some role in things? That seemed to maybe have been something cool worth exploring?

Hopefully that helps clarify a bit from my previous film critic-y rant?



X

 

[The Twilight Mexican]

The reason that my review here was more of a professional critic parody tone was because that's LITERALLY all I took away from it. I was completely drained of any plot-focused or film-specific content. It felt like I left the theater with nothing more than a list of cliché bullet points about the vague terrible moments that I experienced during the film, and didn't pick up anything about the movie itself, because literally not a single piece of the actual film stuck with me, and after three hours it was somehow all a vague memory that didn't retain my suspension of disbelief long enough for me to actually feel like I'd watched something.

I fucking love watching movies and talking about them, but I've never felt like I've had my soul sucked out and watched a product-placement-fueled unconstructed disaster for three hours, and that's all I was left with.

I don't even know the names of 2/3rds of the new Autobots after three. fucking. hours. Hell, I think I know the names of two of the humans (Tessa and… Kade(?)) The whole thing was like a surreal endurance experience. My jaw was sore until this afternoon because I was chewing gum in frustration while watching it, and apparently got cramps from it.

I just… I got nothing man. I was expecting Michael Bay summer action flick that I'd make points about my likes and dislikes and the overabundance of explosions, etc. but I just didn't even have that. My post is literally the brain vomit that I had floating in my skull when I left the theater, and I don't even understand why.

There's the X I know.