FFVII CHARACTER SMACKDOWN - The Neutrals Championship

You can deal me back in

Can you deal me out of the next I'm currently off to the capital for a weekend of heavy drinking lol

Battle Post: ROUND 1-7

So happy to have you back, Minato!

Make sure you have too much fun, Ergo!

Normally, I’d edit the location image but I haven’t the time at the moment. I will get to it after I’ve returned home, however. Till then!


Noppo - He works all day and he works all night at the Ghost Hotel...
Are you ready Team Chocobo?

Big Bro - A man of his word, he’ll lend you a wig if you win in a squat-off...
Are you ready Team Moogle?

___________________

The countdown begins when the first team player posts!

Noppo: Knock knock

Big Bro: Who's there?

Noppo: Boo

Big Bro: Boo who?

Noppo: What a crybaby.

(For some reason Noppo reminds me of RiffRaff in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. It's the bald top and the mullet at the back).

It’s that time!!

Let the record show that the battle phase of Round 1-7 was initiated by Team Chocobo on 26th May,12:03 GMT.

All players have until...
28th May, 12:03 GMT
...to sway their spectators.

Here's a link to a time zone converter in case anyone needs it.

Best of luck!

Friendly reminder to players that as of the 27th May, 12:04 GMT, you have less than 24 hours to sway Spectators.

Here's a link to a time zone converter in case anyone needs it.

Seems folks are more tired than I initially thought. As Chocobo has been the only team to post, I’ll step in for Moogle, and we can close for the fortnight after this round.

^It must be because it's the weekend!

Noppo's worked at the Ghost Hotel forever. Which means we know precisely two things about him: He's probably immortal, and he's incredibly loyal. He's so loyal to the Ghost Hotel that you say one bad word about the place and he'll obliterate you with murmurs so low in frequency they'd shatter an average eardrum. You think Big Bro, a normie human, could really take that? Iunfinkso.

I'm not sure Noppo is even alive as we understand the term. If Big Bro tried to land a stiff uppercut to the jaw, I think it would go right through him.

Right! How can you kill that which has no life? Noppo's not going to be troubled by anything on this realm of existence.

Someone order an ass-whoopin'?

Ahem.

Dearest spectators…

Do not be swayed by my opponents' attempts to paint Noppo as this otherworldly being with capabilities that transcend that of normal humans. The truth is this: Noppo, when he’s off the clock, is simply known as Pete “Bob” Smith. Yup. A normal human.


Now, Pete is an unassuming sort of man with a nervous disposition. He’s spent a good portion of his adult life wandering aimlessly from job to job, finding dissatisfaction in each schtick: from mailman to quality inspect of a toilet tissue company. When the Gold Saucer was built over the ruins of Old Corel (NEGATING MY OPPONENT, BFORB’S ARGUMENT THAT GHOST HOTEL HAS EXISTED ‘FOREVER&#8217, Pete jumped at the opportunity of finding new employment with the new, exciting establishment.

Pete’s meeting with Dio was a memorable one. Pete was applying for the position of in-house broom-sweeper. After giving Dio a laundry list of odd skills he’s picked up over the years, Dio interrupted him.

“You have a big nose.”

“E-excuse me?”

“I like it.”

“...Thank you?”

“Perfect for costumes.”

“...Um.”

And the rest is history.

Initially, Dio had Pete working at the front desk as a receptionist, but he couldn’t handle the pressure of conversing with strangers on a daily basis what with the new and booming business of Gold Saucer. He was replaced after a few short days with Tyrone (better known by his character, ‘Semusi&#8217 but Dio, feeling sorry for the man and not wanting to waste talent (or the money it cost to hire him), decided that Pete would be… decoration. A live statue. Something to spook guests when they least expected it.

Pete couldn’t have been happier.
Unassuming. Unextraordinary. Super forgettable ‘Noppo’.

Big Bro on the other hand.

He burst into the gym scene facing adversary from the start. The Wall Market wasn’t always so tolerant of the cross-dressing culture as we know them to be today. It took a man of confidence, a heart of steel, and a lot of ass-whoopings till Big Bro earned the respect of not only his gym, but every shopkeeper in proximity. Thanks to her efforts, our hero Cloud was able to get his wig, dress, and make-up without folks batting an eye. Cuz they knew if they gave him trouble, Big Bro would come a-knocking with fists of fury.

Pete isn’t even a blip on his radar!

Do we win by killing the opponent or just overpowering him/her?

^Either . So long as they're rendered unable to fight for whatever reason.

Double poast!

That's just what Noppo wants you to believe, until he lures you and Brad into his master's lair.

Unlike the chocobo driver, Noppo can truly time travel. Here's a rare video clip in which he explains the method to some guests at the Ghost Hotel:

Compelling argument you’ve put forth! Even if this is true, what good would time travelling do Noppo? You could morph Big Bro into any dimension and any place and he’d be ready for the fight. Noppo’s pelvic thrusts can only do so much...

Noppo travels back in time to that nanoscond right after he threw the first punch at Big Bro's face, and hits him again before Big Bro has time to throw his own punch. Then he travels back in time to the nanosecond after that, and so on....

Let's be honest: Big Bro cares much more about being cute than about winning. All Noppo needs to is offer up a free make-over and access to the Ghost Hotel's extensive collection of wigs, and Big Bro would forfeit in a heart beat.

Big Bro wants nothing to do with your testosterone fuelled death match when he could be glamming up for his own fashion show.

LicoriceAllsorts said:

Noppo travels back in time to that nanoscond right after he threw the first punch at Big Bro's face, and hits him again before Big Bro has time to throw his own punch. Then he travels back in time to the nanosecond after that, and so on....

Click to expand...

Noppo/Pete might be able to pull that off twice or thrice before before he wears his own hand out. He spends all day at the hotel—no matter what point in time you visit, he’ll be there. With the impossibly long shift that he works, he only has time to work, eat, and sleep. In other words, no gym time for this scrawny fella. So even if he were to time warp and get a couple of hits on Big Bro, there wouldn’t be much power behind the motion. He probably doesn’t even know how to throw a proper punch.

Big Bro on the other hand, well, you don’t gain the respect in the wrestling world without being able to take a couple of hits—especially when you consider that they’re coming from an third-rate clown who has no respect for the art of wrestling. And after Noppo/Pete breaks his own hand on Big Bro’s steel-like jaw, Big Bro can quickly body slam the disorientated and aching Noppo/Pete

InterfaceLeader said:

Let's be honest: Big Bro cares much more about being cute than about winning. All Noppo needs to is offer up a free make-over and access to the Ghost Hotel's extensive collection of wigs, and Big Bro would forfeit in a heart beat.

Big Bro wants nothing to do with your testosterone fuelled death match when he could be glamming up for his own fashion show.

Spoiler

Click to expand...

Big Bro may be a cross dressing enthusiast, but he’s no buffoon! In the world of wrestling, there’s a motto that every champ abides by: eyes on the prize. The wigs could very well be that prize! But he wouldn’t dare lose. He’d out up a fight, knock Noppo/Pete flat on his ass, and then take those wigs for himself.

Yo.

Do y’all hear that?

I hear a beat dropping.

Uh, yeah, what

Y’all try to play like Noppo/Pete’s got all the power
But Biggy Bro’s got it, he beats folks by the hour
Pete’s skinny arms and legs be snappin’ up like twiggies
You better turn away, this ain’t safe for the kiddies!

Training like everyday, Big Bro’s got all the muscle
He’s focused in on winnin, all he know is ‘hustle’

Ya boy Pete don’t stand a chance
his defeat will be quick
He’ll try the time warp dance
but by then he’ll be RIP

Yo judges, can’t you see? Big Bro’s got rights to hella boast.
Cuz when he’s done with Pete, Noppo will be a real ghost.

The obvious and most simple answer to Noppo's work schedule is that he can't work anywhere else. This is obviously an emaciated unhealthy individual who doesn't possess transverable life skills beyond an creepy appearance that can be further enhanced by make up. He has exploited all his life by Dio in this way. Forced to man the counter at a hotel where no sunlight reaches him and even if he sneaks some bedtime in one of the rooms he'll have an intensily uncomfortable time.

Big Bro is one of Midgar's foremost martial artists and a force of personality that forces loyalty in those around Bro besides that. Bro can punch a man twice their size out in one hit and said person will be more hurt by the fact that he lost his bid to obtain one of Big Bro vaunted wigs.

It's difficult to imagine Noppo even being willing to put a fight against Big Bro should a confrontation between them come about.

The other less plausible explanation to Noppo's life of course is that Noppo is exactly what his appearance implies, a classic Nosferatu. This means that the location of the fight leaves him at a tremendous disadvantage. Not only is it clearly broad daylight but Noppo find himself in the desert sun in a town that mostly offers tentfoil for cover and small buildings with holes in the ceilings.

The fight would then likely involve Noppo scampering into the nearest shadows and Bro hurtling rocks at Noppo's cover with their Herculean strength. Either way, Big Bro won't lose to this poor indentured manservant, rather is Noppo's best hope to be enter a new life where he might not be taken advantage of for his appearance.

Minato said:

The obvious and most simple answer to Noppo's work schedule is that he can't work anywhere else. This is obviously an emaciated unhealthy individual who doesn't possess transverable life skills beyond an creepy appearance that can be further enhanced by make up. He has exploited all his life by Dio in this way. Forced to man the counter at a hotel where no sunlight reaches him and even if he sneaks some bedtime in one of the rooms he'll have an intensily uncomfortable time.

Click to expand...

No transferable life skills? Have you ever tried to run a hotel? Noppo's dealt with everything from drunk and unruly guests to thieving employees, all without allowing a single moment of stress to interfere with the charming and unruffled service he provides to his treasured guests.

We all know that wrestling is a scripted wink wink nudge nudge sport, where the winner is determined less by fighting ability and more by their ability to spin a convincing back story. That's why Big Bro rocks at the sport; nobody can deny his charisma and natural showmanship... but a martial artist he isn't.

Our hotelier on the other hand figured out how to travel through time via the power of dance -- not to draw attention to himself, no, nor for fame and fortune -- but simply so he could provide the best possible service for his guests. Anticipating needs is this guy's middle name.

A trip to North Corel is barely a hardship for him, whereas Big Bro will be exhausted from the long journey.

Noppo doesn't work at the most prestigious hotel in the most exciting place in the world because he has to. He does it because he is, quite simply, the best.

And he'll swiftly kick Big Bro's arse to the curb, just so he can get back to his beloved hotel.

InterfaceLeader said:

Minato said:

The obvious and most simple answer to Noppo's work schedule is that he can't work anywhere else. This is obviously an emaciated unhealthy individual who doesn't possess transverable life skills beyond an creepy appearance that can be further enhanced by make up. He has exploited all his life by Dio in this way. Forced to man the counter at a hotel where no sunlight reaches him and even if he sneaks some bedtime in one of the rooms he'll have an intensily uncomfortable time.

Click to expand...

No transferable life skills? Have you ever tried to run a hotel? Noppo's dealt with everything from drunk and unruly guests to thieving employees, all without allowing a single moment of stress to interfere with the charming and unruffled service he provides to his treasured guests.

We all know that wrestling is a scripted wink wink nudge nudge sport, where the winner is determined less by fighting ability and more by their ability to spin a convincing back story. That's why Big Bro rocks at the sport; nobody can deny his charisma and natural showmanship... but a martial artist he isn't.

Our hotelier on the other hand figured out how to travel through time via the power of dance -- not to draw attention to himself, no, nor for fame and fortune -- but simply so he could provide the best possible service for his guests. Anticipating needs is this guy's middle name.

A trip to North Corel is barely a hardship for him, whereas Big Bro will be exhausted from the long journey.

Noppo doesn't work at the most prestigious hotel in the most exciting place in the world because he has to. He does it because he is, quite simply, the best.

And he'll swiftly kick Big Bro's arse to the curb, just so he can get back to his beloved hotel.

Click to expand...

Big Bro has maintained perfect order in his gym, Noppo allowed theft by Cait Sith from another guest room to go on under his roof, these claims of Noppo's diligence that require temporal manipulation don't ring true to me at all. As for getting to North Corel, Big Bro can pay for passage to the Corel Continent as he is the owner of a thriving business and is his own man.

The Ghost Hotel on the other hand must ALWAYS stay business no matter what happens in the world. Noppo isn't welcome to leave the Gold Saucer, him requiring to attempt to do so will likely see him thrown down to prison, after which he must traverse the desert and probably pass through the Sand Worm's digestive system on his way to the destination, an experience which he will go through as the rules of the Smackdown don't allow for failure to be at the location specified.

Quite frankly, Big Bro wouldn't even need to fight Noppo - just challenge him to a squat-off.



Look at this scrud? I don't think he's seen a leg day in this, or any century. He'd barely get through one, maaaaaybe two, before his osteoarthritis kicked in, rendering him completely incapacitated.

It's not even a fair fight

If Noppo was dumb enough to accept a squat-off as the terms of the competition then sure, his love of dancing through time rather than repetitively performing a mediocre bodyweight exercise would put him at a disadvantage.

But he isn't dumb, and he'd definitely just step forward a few decades in time to Big Bro's demise from natural causes, be declared the winner, then head back in time to resume his post at the hotel with nary a soul realising he'd been away.

As my esteemed fellow debater LiquoriceAllsorts pointed out...

It's just a jump to the left
And then a step to the right

If there's one thing these tournaments have taught us, it's that time travel isn't an automatic win, we've had like four timelords so far.

Noppo can rely on Dio's security to deal with troublemakers, meanwhile, Big Bro has to run his gym on his own, in a gang infested slum.

Wall Market doesn't seem like the place where, shall we say, alternative lifestyles, are tolerated (the Honey Bee Inn doesn't count as it's Shinra backed). Observe Skotch's reaction to Cloud taking off his dress.

Grab him! Kick the crap out of him!

Click to expand...

And then they all pull guns.

In this environment, Big Bro is able to not only run his gym but command total respect from his customers, literally sending one of his disciples (a big, strong man that works out) flying when the unfortunate soul says the wrong thing. Despite the Corneos not liking his lifestyle, these armed mobsters don't dare cross Big Bro's gym.

Noppo can rely on Gold Saucer security in a pinch, he's likely never had to deal with anything himself. Add his emaciated appearance and tendency to burst into flames in direct sunlight and he's in serious trouble.

FancySycamoreTree said:

Yo.

Do y’all hear that?

I hear a beat dropping.

Uh, yeah, what

Y’all try to play like Noppo/Pete’s got all the power
But Biggy Bro’s got it, he beats folks by the hour
Pete’s skinny arms and legs be snappin’ up like twiggies
You better turn away, this ain’t safe for the kiddies!

Training like everyday, Big Bro’s got all the muscle
He’s focused in on winnin, all he know is ‘hustle’

Ya boy Pete don’t stand a chance
his defeat will be quick
He’ll try the time warp dance
but by then he’ll be RIP

Yo judges, can’t you see? Big Bro’s got rights to hella boast.
Cuz when he’s done with Pete, Noppo will be a real ghost.

Click to expand...

Mhmm, okay, uh, uh, check this shit

Who the fuck is Pete? Ain’t nobody know ‘im
The truth of the matter is you just desperate to win
Blowing hot steam like ya life depends on these moments
But all I hear are lies from our Moogle opponents

It ain’t even embarrassing to lose to a ghoul
All o' Gaia knows Noppo’s wrath now don’t be a fool
From Sephiroth to Ruby Weapon to the hotel guests
He's the Gold Saucer Guardian, and in the words of Yoda, “To know, you best.”
Keepin' the ‘Saucer safe from hella monsters and warfare
Untouchable even by the silver-haired mothafucka with the sunsilk-ass hair

Biggy "Smaller Than Small" Bro acts tough with that gung-ho demeanour
But he actually hates to fight and chafe his baby-smooth fingers
In fact, perfectly waxed legs would be sprintin' the hell away from ol' Noppo
Wakin’ all the creatures of the desert cause his coward ass’ll be yelling, “NOPE-O!”

It isn't Big Bro who runs the gym, it's the Beautiful Bro.