Well this is a story all about how our friend named Johnny had his life turned upside down. Now I'd like to take a moment, just sit right there. I'll tell y'all a lol story of how he's gonna win this war.
In sector seven slums born and raised Jonny spent his time just fighting all day.
Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool then Jonny started shooting at a ghoul.
When a couple of Turks who were up to no good, started making trouble in his neighbourhood. He got in several big fights and they blew up the plate so Johnny decided to run before the place devestate.
He listened to his dad and then went away he said ya know what I'm off to costa del sol.
He jumped onto a boat about seven or eight and he yelled to the captain "yo man where's the shitter"
Looked out the window he was finally there sitting with chicks breathing in fresh air.
Ahem my contributions to this battle have been somewhat weak so far but let me reiterate what my teammate has stated so far.
We have on one hand a man who has survived in one.of the worst slums of Midgar, knows the terrain of the battle intimately and is known as a fighter.
On the other hand we have a man who if you stuffed an engine up his ass had enough girth he could have driven Zack and cloud all the way to the northern crater. That is if northern crater had a McDonald's.
In a battle between the two our opponent is more likely to collapse trying to climb the stairs into the ring than to put up any sort of fight.
We know one thing for sure about the Old Guy, and that's this: he knows how to drive. No, I'm wrong: we know two things about him. He knows how to drive, and he has the balls to drive alone through the monster-infested badlands around Midgar. Now, I've never driven in the Midgar badlands, but I've driven in lion and hyena infested wildernesses, and I sure as hell would never drive alone unless I had some proper mechanics chops to fix my machine if it broke it down. I once had to change a tyre in the middle of nowhere in the Ruaha Game Park, and I'm not an NPC in a video game, so...
Basically what I'm arguing here is that the circumstantial evidence points to our Old Geezer knowing a little bit about engines and motors and so on.
If anyone is going to get in a train and drive it, it's going to be our Old Man.
Johnny, by your admission, can't drive and had to go by foot to Junon, fighting monsters all the way apparently (although we all know who gave him a lift). So what makes you think he could instantly figure out how to drive a train?
are we to suppose that every single person who travels from the biggest city in the world to the biggest beach resort in the world can only do by battling their way across plains and mountains and through Mythril Mines, tackling Zoloms and all manner of monsters?
All the evidence of Johnny's troubled drunkenness just adds to his advantages. He has all the hallmarks of a fighter, including arrests for public order offences. If I'm not mistaken, the mugshot has what appears to be a fresh scar on his right cheek, indicating that that arrest was for fighting. All adding to his experience. Maybe not the guy you bring home for dinner, but certainly the guy you want at your back in a brawl.
Meanwhile, 'Old Guy' drives a truck. Given how bad the terrain is, that probably means he lives somewhere like Kalm. He won't be able to fit his truck in the train graveyard, leavbing him facing a younger, fitter, tougher man that knows the territory. Old Guy's fight experience, as implied by the name, was a long time ago, and he's settled into his truck driving job.
If Johnny's the one getting arrested for public brawling, he's the one too injured to run away when the cops arrive. He's not the old guy, he's the other guy - you know, the one who looks worse. Just because a young man gets himself involved in lots of bar brawls doesn't mean he's any good at it. §
I don't know why everyone thinks Johnny is familiar with the train graveyard. He's known to be of a somewhat nervous disposition, and the train graveyard is supposed to be haunted... and it doesn't offer the lures of booze or women. Johnny wouldn't go in there if his life depended on it.
. He's not the old guy, he's the other guy - you know, the one who looks worse. Just because a young man gets himself involved in lots of bar brawls doesn't mean he's any good at it. §
I would even go so far as to say that he's terrible at it. The people who are getting involved in a lot of bar brawls are the ones who can't handle their liquor, with a quick mouth and doesn't think twice of their opponent. That's Johnny, completely underestimating our Old Man who will rig up the nearest train to drive it over his sorry drunk ass. Our Old Man may look tired but he's got the stamina, the drive to keep going, just like he makes all those long haul drives to Midgar.
If the Old Guy was as fat as you all shame him for, then fine, Johnny wouldn’t be able to make a dent. In fact, he would easily knock over Johnny’s drunk ass and sit on him and the fight would be over. Licorice is right, Johnny demonstrates a nervous disposition and is exactly the kind of insecure man that talks himself up to overcompensate but can’t dish a real life challenge. The Old Guy won't need to drive the train, just lock him in one and make ghost sounds and Johnny will drive himself to tears. Cry for mummy, Johnny, cry!
Reasons Why Johnny Continues To Be The Very Embodiment Of Suck
Snap, didn’t mean to fall quiet! Cursed life responsibilities! Anyway, let’s go! Because this post is T H I C C I’ve put points under spoiler tags. I dunno, I thought it would help??
Oh yes daddy! Look at those defined, huge, muscular arms compared to Johnny's skinny chicken bone limbs. Dude's got a bit of a belly on him now but he still keeps that strength workout routine tight; the roads are long and tough.
A 'bit of a belly'? The guy is wider around than he is tall! No, an aged obese truck driver who spends all day sitting on his butt driving around in the sun is hardly going to have what it takes to cope in the dark, creepy, dangerous environment of the train graveyard -- and Johnny knows exactly how to make those trains shift about, where to hide, and what's safe to climb.
My lovely teammates have already pointed out the vileness of fat shaming, but on top of that, you say that as if he wouldn’t use his physic to his advantage! So he’s a bit thicc. You know who else are deadly opponents with a little bit of extra fat?
Though that doesn’t seem to take away from their athleticism
I can see it now! Johnny drunkenly slurring his words and trying to take a swing at our champ, said champ tightening his muscles so that Johnny comically bounces off the belly. Johnny eventually being crushed under a one-man dog pile.
And we've spent a lot of time exaggerating the amount Johnny likes to drink - but what about old guys past, huh? We know from that belly that the guy likes his food, but what about the other seven deadly sins?
Well, let's see what he says when Zack asks him what he should do with his life!
Old Guy: Young people should try everything!
Yes, this is a guy who likes to experiment - with jobs, and probably with drugs and sex. And the fact he's wound up in a crappy job like driving a truck around is testament to those poor life choices.
Or a testament to his choice of living a little more simply after a lifetime of making the most out of his what he had! Why should young people be confined to this singular trajectory? Why not take advantage of your youth and experiment to see what you love to do and what you have a talent for!? Old Guy isn’t telling Zack to make poor choices, but to not be afraid of them! Experiment! Live a little! Go out and see the world! OR you stir trouble at home and end up as the town drunk, only choosing to escape when your own mother has decided it’s too much...
Your theory that Mukki took him to Costa Del Sol is built on pure conjecture and thin air - look at that picture of Mukki and his companions you shared.
Look closely and consider the type of company Mukki likes to keep. It seems to me that Mukki has a type, and I think we can all agree that Johnny - whom you yourself described as a 'shrimp' - is not that type.
No, Mukki likes to travel the world and is not short on cash, but his entourage is made up of sporty, muscular, gym-loving guys with a liking for shorts and neatly trimmed facial hair.
NOT slim-and-wiry guys who wear jean jackets with their sleeves rolled up.
Now, if Mukki truly didn’t care for the company of anyone who wasn’t packing serious muscle, then why would he be so interested in Cloud?
, surely not much bigger if at all than Cloud himself. So this idea that Mukki couldn’t possible keep Johnny for company because of his physic is, frankly, a fallacy!
Furthermore, by insisting he couldn’t have gone with Mukki & Company, I’m assuming you’re sticking with the argument that he faced with a Zolom by himself.
.
Surely you’re not suggesting that Johnny is on par with
Methinks Sephiroth would have something to say about that...
And if you are then, again, why the blankety blank didn’t Tifa and Barret utilise this awesome strength and skill in their fight against Shinra? Why would Tifa even need to give Johnny pointers in fighting as you suggested earlier? This just reeks of FAKE NEWS! SAD!
Is he though?? We’ve only seen evidence of him getting ‘blitzed,’ consider spending the night with a prostitute, and finding his way out of Midgar on the backs of better, stronger men.
Fair, but if you argue that point, surely you must concede that Johnny doesn't know any more about operating a train either. Just because he lives near a yard of broken down trains, does not mean he magically knows how to operate one, just as living near a forest does not automatically qualify one as a dendrologist. And as my teammate Licorice has pointed out, it is likely he's never ventured in the area given it's notorious reputation for being haunted. Thus, this little scenario
Spectators (and the audience!*) have 24 hours to cast their votes (either by posting in this thread or messaging me privately) for the champion that they have been swayed to stand behind. Our esteemed spectators this round are...
Joe
solo player sab
At this time, spectators and audience members are allowed to post their thoughts on the match. Players are NOT ALLOWED to counter any of these comments with new arguments or to continue ‘battling’ in general. Any attempt to do so will count as an automatic loss for your team. Players are free, however, to pay compliments to your opponents and such. ^^
Players!
If you’d like to opt out of participating in the next round, tell me so now.. Otherwise, I’m going to assume you’re still playing and you’re going to be reshuffled into a new team.
In General
If anyone (players, spectators, audience, anyone) has any feedback, questions, or concerns regarding the rules, please post that in the master thread here. It’ll be easier for me to keep track of/find your feedback this way for future reference. Thank you!
Any non-participant who’d like to be shuffled into a team, please say so now.
No Joe post this round because our esteemed judge is busy!! He was kind enough to slide into my DMs to cast his vote, however, along with fellow judge sab and other audience voters.
We have five more rounds to play before we take a fortnight off. Thank you all tremendously for what you’ve contributed thus far! And as always, let me know if you have a problem with this list. Look forward to the next battle post and reroll.
Joe - Flashy master chocobo jockey for Teioh, a badass black chocobo... Are you ready Team Chocobo?
Kalm Traveller - An older gentleman who is wanders the world, searching for rare knicknacks including the Earth Harp, Desert Rose, and Guide Book... Are you ready Team Moogle?
___________________
The countdown begins when the first team player posts!
Chocobo Joe, the greatest living jockey on the planet. Did you know that, pound for pound, jockeys are the world's strongest athletes? Let's see what science has to say:
Not only is Chocobo Joe the world's top jockey, which means he's the world's fittest and strongest athlete, but he is also skilful at fighting monsters, as witnessed by the NPC in Crisis Core who was rescued from monsters by Joe somewhere in the badlands between Midgar and Kalm.
On top of all this, he's a true gentleman who fights by Queensbery rules!
An aged antique collector stands no chance against him, but at least Joe will do him as little damage as possible.
Chocobo Joe, the greatest living jockey on the planet. Did you know that, pound for pound, jockeys are the world's strongest athletes? Let's see what science has to say:
Not only is Chocobo Joe the world's top jockey, which means he's the world's fittest and strongest athlete, but he is also skilful at fighting monsters, as witnessed by the NPC in Crisis Core who was rescued from monsters by Joe somewhere in the badlands between Midgar and Kalm.
On top of all this, he's a true gentleman who fights by Queensbery rules!
An aged antique collector stands no chance against him, but at least Joe will do him as little damage as possible.
Interesting fact finding there but the reality is that these studies state that jockeys are pound for pound strong. The average weight for jockeys is around the 180 mark whereas an NFL player is close to the 300 pound mark. Pound for pound differences then show that NFL player is gonna snap the jockey like a toothpick. Joe being the best in the world also suggests he may be even lighter than the average.
So that's weight and muscle mass covered, now lets talk about height. To quote fancy in early posts the average jockey height is that of an ankle biter. The average height being around 4ft 2, meaning not only is he useless in battles with taller opponents but he can't even reach the cookies on the top shelf.
That said the kalm traveller is a bit of a mystery, he is a noted traveller of the world and holds some of the rarest artifacts known to man. How did he get these you may wonder?
It wasn't from sitting on the back of chocobo and reaping the benefits of it being faster than the rest. He got these treasures from his own accomplishments.
So if were talking about who would win my money is always gonna be on the old man with years worth of experience in being a badass over the pampered show pony sitting in the gold saucer growing fat and lazy as he basks in his current accomplishments.
hurrah for fighting the good fight. To my opponents, 
you make for very worthy adversaries. To the judges...ಥ_ಥ
