FFVII CHARACTER SMACKDOWN - The Neutrals Championship

[LicoriceAllsorts]

Ohayo.

That means ‘good morning’ in Japanese. I’m gonna keep misusing it cuz it’s the only greeting I know in Japanese. Besides, it’s always the morning somewhere eh??

Anyway, because Minato decided to opt out, I’ve decided to step in and help Moogle, rendering me incapable of spectating.



B.
Oh, B.
Can I call you B?
I think I’ll you B.

A drooping, limp, flaccid old man, eh? Oh, no, no, no. Little known fact about our humble little fellow here is that long before he was a Kalm Traveller, in his youth, he was the Wutai Traveller. He travelled extensively, specifically, in the wild and untamed beauty of Southern Wutai. There, he came across and was eventually adopted by a clan of martial artists that specialised in a form that is thousands and thousands of years old. They call this form: Wu-fu.

They taught him many things in that clan: patience, using your wit as well as your strength, endurance, and, you know, how to kick some booty if the time arises.

Spoiler: Actual pictures of his actual journey that actually exist

Observing

Training

Peeping

Trying his hand

Being a baws
​

My opponents cry, ‘Aha!! So if you’re saying he’s a fighting man, why doesn’t he go out himself to get kick butt and get these items??’

Because he has more important things to do!! As he learnt in Wutai, life is not all about proving how strong one is. He was wise enough to know that it would be easier and faster to ask for outside assistance in obtaining these items. He’s not a boaster! He ain’t too proud!

Wow! If this was a fake news smackdown, there's no denying Kalm Traveller would win easy. He sure knows how to doctor photos. Too bad he can't conjure up an elixir of youth for himself. There's nothing sadder than the old geezer who moans, as he's hitting the mat for the third time, "You know, sonny, in my day I could have taken you on with one hand tied behind my back." Yeah, but your day was somewhere in the middle ages, grandpa.

Unlike our Joe here….

LicoriceAllsorts is right—Joe is one of the worlds finest athletes. And boy does he know it. He wants *you* to know it, too.

Look at him.

Is all that get-up necessary? A total peacock this one!

Jockeys don't get to choose what they wear. They have to wear the colours of their mount's owner. That's their job, just like footballers have to wear their team's kit. Because - that's right - Joe is a pro athlete.

Joe might’ve had a hard-knock life at the beginning, but what has he done since his fame? Who has he become? A narcissistic, womanizer who thinks much too much about his apperance and rides on the success of the true star of the chocobo races, Teioh.

Gold Saucer is the Grand National and the Kentucky Derby of chocobo racing. When you're competing at this level, the quality of the rider matters as much as the quality of the bird.

Oh, yes, he can be a gentleman—when he wants to be.

The fight would play out like so—Joe, first of all, would be bothered and temperamental upon realising that he’s been whisked away to an unfamiliar and, most important, dirty land. He spent some time being in the bottom rung, he shan’t go back again! He would then see the Kalm Traveller, smiling at him gently, for he has long learnt to keep his cool in unsettling situations.

Joe's spent plenty enough time around chocobo stables to be used to dirt. It doesn't faze him. Nothing fazes him: he has nerves of steel. You have to be able to keep your head at all times when you're dealing with highly-strung, powerful chocobos racing at speeds that would cause you serious injury if you made a mistake or fell.

How exactly has the old man long learned to keep his cool?

Joe would demand to know who he is, what are they doing here, and where by the Planet is his assistant?? The older man would look around, shrug, and resume smiling.

Joe would puff once and continue to ramble on trivial shit that annoys him, treating each problem as though it could mean the end of his world. The old man is unphased—he’s lived a long, full life. An overgrown brat isn’t going to shake him now. He’d turn around, observing his environment. Joe would notice…

H-how dare he?? Does the old bastard even know who he is???? He’s J O E.

The young jockey would march right up to him to throw a punch with the old man’s back turned because that’s what bullies and cowards do. Ah, but the old man would sense this and side-step, and scuff Joe’s shoes immediately afterwards.

“HEY!” Joe would exclaim, more outraged at the damage to his new cleats (??) than the fact that he missed his punch. He’d try to hit the Kalm Traveller again and the Traveller remains….wait for it…..Kalm. (badum-tsh). He side-steps and dodges Joes advances until the young man has worn himself out.

“S-stand still and fight like a man, you bastard!” he’d cry, panting for breath. That’s when the Kalm Traveller would raise a brow and decide that enough is enough. He would take a deep breath, bend his knees, ready his hands and WHACK, WHACK. He’d strike his windpipe and the side of Joe’s head, knocking him to the ground. And Joe would be too breathless to stand up and the Traveller would place a single foot on Joe’s head.

Joe would, between gasps, that demand that the bastard gets off of him.

“Admit defeat, and I’ll let you free.” he’d say kalmly.

“Never!” Joe would cry and the Traveller would dig in his heel just a little more.

“Ow! OW! Okay, you bastard! You win! Let me up!”

The Traveller would do just that and, just as he suspected, Joe would try to fight dirty and take another swing at the Traveller again. The Traveller would knock him out, look at him briefly, sniff, then walk away.

DON’T VOTE FOR JOE, JOE! HE’S NOT AS JOEY AS YOU! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!!!

[/quote]

Considering the fact that Joe is widely known as a gentleman, and considering the calm and polite way he handled finding Cloud in the weighing room with his lady-love Ester, one can only applaud the above as a fantastical work of total fiction.

Joe is consulting his lawyer about the slander. Bully, indeed!

 

[Mother]

^

 

[Mother]

Spoiler: This bullshit

Disgusting​

HEY GRANDPA, THE 1850s TELEGRAMMED; THEY WANT SLUT-SHAMING BACK. Très uncool. The opposite of a gentleman that respects women, like Joe. Unworthy of being Joe's opponent.

 

[Mother]

As completely relevant (read: not at all) as the content of the Kalm Traveller's character, curiosity and knowledge are in a physical fight, the sagely old geezer is frail enough to be totally uninterested in a fight.

Spoiler: Look at this face

Spiritless. Dead inside. Old AF. He couldn't give a toot about who wins this fight. He simply knows he wouldn't win, so he wouldn't bother.

Spoiler: Now look at this fiery young lad!

Spunky. Fearless. Determination in his eyes. This is the look of someone who knows how to win, and wins often. If Joe has the physicality to wrangle a Chocobo and ride it into victory, then he sure as hell would know how to wrangle a drooping, limp, flaccid old man. He'd tie that rope right around the old man's arms and secure him tightly in place the way he'd secure a wild Chocobo to its post. Boom. Cornered.

Did you just incinuate that Joe wants to put a saddle on our old man and .......ride him?

Nothing wrong with wanting what the heart wants. Joe isn't afraid to be himself. He isn't afraid of anything at all, unlike some old geezers out there that don't even know how to be true to themselves. If one can't even be true to themselves, how are they supposed to be a master fighter of Wu-Fu? Just yet another example of fake news. Sad!

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

In fact, our Joe is such a gentleman that in his free time he volunteers his services for the protection of the community... as a firefighter.

He rescues kittens:



He rescues wombats:



Here he is with his heroic firefighting mates. What a team!



How could anyone fail to love this guy?

 

[fancy]

just bury me

Wow! If this was a fake news smackdown, there's no denying Kalm Traveller would win easy. He sure knows how to doctor photos. Too bad he can't conjure up an elixir of youth for himself. There's nothing sadder than the old geezer who moans, as he's hitting the mat for the third time, "You know, sonny, in my day I could have taken you on with one hand tied behind my back." Yeah, but your day was somewhere in the middle ages, grandpa.

^Speaking of doctored photos! The colour of his face doesn't even match the rest of his body!! Joe wouldn't happen to be friends with Johnny, would he? Riding on the backs of stronger men as always-- or at least, putting his face over them! FAKE NEWS!!

Unlike our Joe here….

LicoriceAllsorts is right—Joe is one of the worlds finest athletes. And boy does he know it. He wants *you* to know it, too.

Look at him.

Is all that get-up necessary? A total peacock this one!

Jockeys don't get to choose what they wear. They have to wear the colours of their mount's owner. That's their job, just like footballers have to wear their team's kit. Because - that's right - Joe is a pro athlete.

Gold Saucer is the Grand National and the Kentucky Derby of chocobo racing. When you're competing at this level, the quality of the rider matters as much as the quality of the bird.

Who owns Teioh though? According to Teioh's wiki:

Teioh is the Chocobo belonging to the jockey Joe.

And are we sure that the whole, 'You wear what the mount owner wants you to.' counts here? Why is it that every other rider is indistinguishable from each other except Joe and Cloud?

So it seems he chooses to ride his bird with a loud coat and a friggin' top hat becuse he's nuts and has convinced himself that he looks good in that get-up.

Oh, yes, he can be a gentleman—when he wants to be.

How exactly has the old man long learned to keep his cool?

See the above post with that bit about wufu.

Joe would demand to know who he is, what are they doing here, and where by the Planet is his assistant?? The older man would look around, shrug, and resume smiling.

Joe would puff once and continue to ramble on trivial shit that annoys him, treating each problem as though it could mean the end of his world. The old man is unphased—he’s lived a long, full life. An overgrown brat isn’t going to shake him now. He’d turn around, observing his environment. Joe would notice…

H-how dare he?? Does the old bastard even know who he is???? He’s J O E.

The young jockey would march right up to him to throw a punch with the old man’s back turned because that’s what bullies and cowards do. Ah, but the old man would sense this and side-step, and scuff Joe’s shoes immediately afterwards.

“HEY!” Joe would exclaim, more outraged at the damage to his new cleats (??) than the fact that he missed his punch. He’d try to hit the Kalm Traveller again and the Traveller remains….wait for it…..Kalm. (badum-tsh). He side-steps and dodges Joes advances until the young man has worn himself out.

“S-stand still and fight like a man, you bastard!” he’d cry, panting for breath. That’s when the Kalm Traveller would raise a brow and decide that enough is enough. He would take a deep breath, bend his knees, ready his hands and WHACK, WHACK. He’d strike his windpipe and the side of Joe’s head, knocking him to the ground. And Joe would be too breathless to stand up and the Traveller would place a single foot on Joe’s head.

Joe would, between gasps, that demand that the bastard gets off of him.

“Admit defeat, and I’ll let you free.” he’d say kalmly.

“Never!” Joe would cry and the Traveller would dig in his heel just a little more.

“Ow! OW! Okay, you bastard! You win! Let me up!”

The Traveller would do just that and, just as he suspected, Joe would try to fight dirty and take another swing at the Traveller again. The Traveller would knock him out, look at him briefly, sniff, then walk away.

DON’T VOTE FOR JOE, JOE! HE’S NOT AS JOEY AS YOU! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!!!

Considering the fact that Joe is widely known as a gentleman, and considering the calm and polite way he handled finding Cloud in the weighing room with his lady-love Ester, one can only applaud the above as a fantastical work of total fiction.

Joe is consulting his lawyer about the slander. Bully, indeed!

He keeps his cool, till he realises he's losin'!

If the player has a chocobo with less than 120 max speed and less than 450 stamina and enters in a Rank S race, Teioh will be worse than the other computer players. If Joe finishes 3rd, 4th, or 5th, Teioh will hang his head down and Joe will get angry.

Sounds a bit ominous....

Nothing wrong with wanting what the heart wants. Joe isn't afraid to be himself. He isn't afraid of anything at all, unlike some old geezers out there that don't even know how to be true to themselves. If one can't even be true to themselves, how are they supposed to be a master fighter of Wu-Fu? Just yet another example of fake news. Sad!

What proof do you have of the Kalm Traveller being unsure of himself? He was certainly confident in listing what items he’d like retrieved!

 

[Clement Rage]

You don't just wake up one morning and think. You know what I would love to trade this super rare materia for?? A very specific rose! I don't know where it is or who holds it but I'm certain someone in the world will find this one item I have no background information on.

He asks for these items because he knows what and where they are and who holds them!

If they were all on the most dangerous monsters, you might have a point, but the guidebook is held by a much weaker one. If he knew where they were and wanted them so badly, he'd just give directions.

I contend that the Desert Rose is just a Rose that grows in the Corel Desert -rare and difficult to find, yes, but by not in the possession of Ruby Weapon so much as uprooted by it by chance. The other two items are underwater, likely dropped by the traveller when swimming around somewhere in his youth using his Underwater materia.

In spite of Fancy's photography skills, (Joe did not give permission for use of his image btw), she has found largely footage of Traveller standing in the background. The one fight he's in, he's losing, and clearly about to be flipped over by that overextended arm.

Teioh is mountain Chocobo, and the fight is in a mountain. Home ground.

I feel like it's likely to be a cavalry engagement, at which point Teioh has the Traveller's Chocobo's stats, plus bonuses. No martial arts skills can save you from 800kgs of prime racing bird at full speed.

Edit: Re costuming, obviously the costumes are handicaps. He's so good that he needs to give the others a fighting chance by order of Dio. And CLoud's just not a good enough jockey to understand proper safety gear.

 

[fancy]

THAT’S IT, BETTER QUIT!!

This marks the end of round 1-6!

Spectators (and the audience!*) have 24 hours to cast their votes (either by posting in this thread or messaging me privately) for the champion that they have been swayed to stand behind. Our esteemed spectators this round are...

solo player sab
​

At this time, spectators and audience members are allowed to post their thoughts on the match. Players are NOT ALLOWED to counter any of these comments with new arguments or to continue ‘battling’ in general. Any attempt to do so will count as an automatic loss for your team. Players are free, however, to pay compliments to your opponents and such. ^^

Players!

If you’d like to opt out of participating in the next round, tell me so now.. Otherwise, I’m going to assume you’re still playing and you’re going to be reshuffled into a new team.

In General

If anyone (players, spectators, audience, anyone) has any feedback, questions, or concerns regarding the rules, please post that in the master thread here. It’ll be easier for me to keep track of/find your feedback this way for future reference. Thank you!

Any non-participant who’d like to be shuffled into a team, please say so now.

 

[fancy]

Can I just say?

In fact, our Joe is such a gentleman that in his free time he volunteers his services for the protection of the community... as a firefighter.

He rescues kittens:



He rescues wombats:



Here he is with his heroic firefighting mates. What a team!



How could anyone fail to love this guy?

This made my day LOL!!!!

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

I love this kind of no-holds barred debating. I particularly enjoy the use of photoshopped fake news images as an argument.

 

[fancy]

It’s hilarious!! And it’s all you can do, methinks, what with a good chunk of these characters having so little information on them (some don’t even have so much as an article stub). So folks might as well go for it if they believe their ‘fake news’ is plausible enough, haha!

 

[Mother]

Lic's fireman pics made my day too, but for an entirely different reason

 

[fancy]

ROUND 1-6: WINNER

The votes are in!

Spoiler: Round 1-6’s Winner is…

VICTORY GOES TO TEAM CHOCOBO

Spoiler: Spectator’s MVP

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*LicoriceAllsorts*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧


For the 3rd time! Congrats!

Spoiler: The ‘pool’ that we’re drawing team players from

1. BforB
2. Channy
3. Clement Rage
4. Ergo Proxy
5. Fancy (will spectate or play if neccesary)
6. Joe - spectating (when he has the time)
7. InterfaceLeader (on weekends)
8. LicoriceAllsorts
9. solo player sab - spectating

We have three more rounds to play before we take a fortnight-long break. Look forward to the next battle post and reroll!

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

The brony videos made me laugh out loud (but at the same time I kind of respected their total disregard for what anybody else would think).

I really think Team Chocobo had the easier job this round. It was a lot harder to argue the Old Traveller's case.

Fancy, I love your arguments! They're so wild and random.

 

[fancy]

I really think Team Chocobo had the easier job this round. It was a lot harder to argue the Old Traveller's case.

Right!? That’s why I tried so hard to assassinate Joe’s character and discredit him as this spoilt jerk. It’s essentially what I did with Johnny, except Johnny actually had some canonical evidence set against him that made the pitch easier to sell.

I might’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for the Joe the Firemen pictures LOL! After that it was like

Clearly, I’m the rando in white.​

Bwahahaha but I loved it.

Thanks for the compliment by the way. ^^ Hahaha, no one can say that I don’t try!

 

[Roger]

You can deal me back in

 

[fancy]

Battle Post: ROUND 1-7

So happy to have you back, Minato!

Make sure you have too much fun, Ergo!

Normally, I’d edit the location image but I haven’t the time at the moment. I will get to it after I’ve returned home, however. Till then!

Round 1-7

Your Teams...

BforB
InterfaceLeader
LicoriceAllsorts

Minato
Channy
Clement Rage


Your Champions...

VS

The Location...

North Corel Town​

Noppo - He works all day and he works all night at the Ghost Hotel...
Are you ready Team Chocobo?

Big Bro - A man of his word, he’ll lend you a wig if you win in a squat-off...
Are you ready Team Moogle?

___________________

The countdown begins when the first team player posts!

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

Noppo: Knock knock

Big Bro: Who's there?

Noppo: Boo

Big Bro: Boo who?

Noppo: What a crybaby.

(For some reason Noppo reminds me of RiffRaff in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. It's the bald top and the mullet at the back).

 

[fancy]

It’s that time!!

Let the record show that the battle phase of Round 1-7 was initiated by Team Chocobo on 26th May,12:03 GMT.

All players have until...
28th May, 12:03 GMT
...to sway their spectators.

Here's a link to a time zone converter in case anyone needs it.

Best of luck!

 

[fancy]

​

Friendly reminder to players that as of the 27th May, 12:04 GMT, you have less than 24 hours to sway Spectators.

Here's a link to a time zone converter in case anyone needs it.

Seems folks are more tired than I initially thought. As Chocobo has been the only team to post, I’ll step in for Moogle, and we can close for the fortnight after this round.

 

[Mother]

^It must be because it's the weekend!

Noppo's worked at the Ghost Hotel forever. Which means we know precisely two things about him: He's probably immortal, and he's incredibly loyal. He's so loyal to the Ghost Hotel that you say one bad word about the place and he'll obliterate you with murmurs so low in frequency they'd shatter an average eardrum. You think Big Bro, a normie human, could really take that? Iunfinkso.

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

I'm not sure Noppo is even alive as we understand the term. If Big Bro tried to land a stiff uppercut to the jaw, I think it would go right through him.

 

[InterfaceLeader]

Right! How can you kill that which has no life? Noppo's not going to be troubled by anything on this realm of existence.

 

[fancy]

Someone order an ass-whoopin'?

Ahem.

Dearest spectators…

Do not be swayed by my opponents' attempts to paint Noppo as this otherworldly being with capabilities that transcend that of normal humans. The truth is this: Noppo, when he’s off the clock, is simply known as Pete “Bob” Smith. Yup. A normal human.

Spoiler: Here’s a picture of him after he’s gotten out of makeup.

Now, Pete is an unassuming sort of man with a nervous disposition. He’s spent a good portion of his adult life wandering aimlessly from job to job, finding dissatisfaction in each schtick: from mailman to quality inspect of a toilet tissue company. When the Gold Saucer was built over the ruins of Old Corel (NEGATING MY OPPONENT, BFORB’S ARGUMENT THAT GHOST HOTEL HAS EXISTED ‘FOREVER&#8217, Pete jumped at the opportunity of finding new employment with the new, exciting establishment.

Pete’s meeting with Dio was a memorable one. Pete was applying for the position of in-house broom-sweeper. After giving Dio a laundry list of odd skills he’s picked up over the years, Dio interrupted him.

“You have a big nose.”

“E-excuse me?”

“I like it.”

“...Thank you?”

“Perfect for costumes.”

“...Um.”

And the rest is history.

Initially, Dio had Pete working at the front desk as a receptionist, but he couldn’t handle the pressure of conversing with strangers on a daily basis what with the new and booming business of Gold Saucer. He was replaced after a few short days with Tyrone (better known by his character, ‘Semusi&#8217 but Dio, feeling sorry for the man and not wanting to waste talent (or the money it cost to hire him), decided that Pete would be… decoration. A live statue. Something to spook guests when they least expected it.

Pete couldn’t have been happier.

Spoiler: THIS was his dream job.

Unassuming. Unextraordinary. Super forgettable ‘Noppo’.

Big Bro on the other hand.

He burst into the gym scene facing adversary from the start. The Wall Market wasn’t always so tolerant of the cross-dressing culture as we know them to be today. It took a man of confidence, a heart of steel, and a lot of ass-whoopings till Big Bro earned the respect of not only his gym, but every shopkeeper in proximity.

Spoiler: The man started a revolution from a very young age.

Thanks to her efforts, our hero Cloud was able to get his wig, dress, and make-up without folks batting an eye. Cuz they knew if they gave him trouble, Big Bro would come a-knocking with fists of fury.

Pete isn’t even a blip on his radar!

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

Do we win by killing the opponent or just overpowering him/her?