FFVII CHARACTER SMACKDOWN - The Neutrals Championship

Battle Post: ROUND 1-8


Beautiful Girl - A stunning resident of Mideel...
Are you ready Team Chocobo?

Pilot - A man of the skies training under the watchful eye of the one and only Cid Highwind...
Are you ready Team Moogle?

___________________

The countdown begins when the first team player posts!

The pilot is a trainee in one of the most stressful jobs imaginable, in some of the most stressful conditions imaginable. Not only is he serving under Cid Highwind, never a man to suffer any fools, he's also piloting a fugitive vessel, where any mistake could be fatal. The Highwind has no ground crew to make repairs, if he messes up, it's game over for everyone.

And he pulls this off flawlessly, no matter what crazy stunt the party asks of him. Fly directly at the giant WEAPON? Sure thing. Oh, you want to do that again. I gotcha, boss. Land in the crater itself? Done. Ram Sephiroth's barrier? Done! He's a little shaky at first, but grows in confidence over the course of the game, and loyally returns to help the party after getting permission to leave, finally qualifying as a pilot to cap it all off.

Against this tough, loyal, brave man, who do we have? A beautiful girl from Mideel. That's nice, but the world is full of beautiful girls (and I mean literally using the same character model) What stands out about this one that can help her here?

CLEMENT RAGE SAY WHAAAA?!?!

Let the record show that the battle phase of Round 1-8 was initiated by Team Moogle on 30th May, 21:33 GMT.

All players have until...
1 June, 21:33 GMT
...to sway their spectators.

Here's a link to a time zone converter in case anyone needs it.

Best of luck!

Beautiful girl #metoo.

If there's one thing our Beautiful Girl, or B.G. for short, knows how to do, it's fight off men. She's been doing it all her life.

It started in the kindergarten playground, when boys used to trip her up, pinch her, and pull her hair because they 'liked' her. She got in trouble when she defended herself, so she learnt to be cunning: she got her own back when the grown-ups weren't watching, in ways that wouldn't leave a mark on them, but ensured they left her alone.

It continued in middle school, when she floored a boy who snapped her bra with a swift left uppercut to the jaw. She got suspended for a week, but it was worth it.

We can never know for sure one way or the other whether she was one of Zangan's pupils, but we do know that he travelled the world teaching girls and boys the art of self-defence, and if an opportunity like that arose, B.G. would certainly have taken advantage it, since she had need of it.

She's got mace in her pocket and can remove a man's eyeball with her car keys.

RIP Pilot, he seemed like a cool guy...

*cracks knuckles*

Hello spectators, my old friends. Now, I know what some of y’all might be thinking today.

Smfh, here comes Fancy with the photoshop...

Nah. I got something even better for you lovely folks.

I have science.

Please take a look at my opposing champion here.


As his name suggests and as my opponent, Clement Rage, has pointed out… he’s a pilot. Now, what does the title ‘pilot’ entail? Sharp navigational skills, yes. Stress (doubly so under a man such as Cid Highwind), yes. What else? Long, long hours spent suspended in high altitude.

Do you know what happens to the human body as it ascends high into the air? Well, as air pressure decreases, the volume of gases increase. This means that whilst the pilot is in flight, the pockets of air in his ears, nose, stomach, and throat have expanded. Not only that, but he’s in a state of generalised hypoxia or a deprivation of adequate oxygen supply.

Now what happens when you take a human body that was suspended high in the air and suddenly land them on solid ground (in this case, the Old Man’s house in Kalm)?

I’ll give you a hint: something not very nice happens. That’s what.

When the Pilot suddenly finds himself in the middle of a stranger’s home, the last thing on his mind is gonna be, ‘Where the hell am I?’ or even, ‘Hey, that chick is kinda hot…’ It’ll be, ‘BY THE PLANET, I'M DYING’ because he’ll be suffering from explosive decompression. Contrary to what the term suggests, the Pilot would not explode on the spot, but he would be at high risk of lung trauma as the air around him has decompressed faster than the rate at which air can escape his compressed lungs. The pockets of air aforementioned would POP, leaving the Pilot disorientated, dizzy, and discomforted. The poor man would likely start gagging with the sudden desire to throw up the lunch he was refused by an extra surly Cid Highwind. There would be an explosive pain in his muscles and joints. He’d be jet-lagged to all hell. His nerves, already shot up by long hours under the disapproving gaze and mouth of Cid Highwind would snap after suffering this sudden and devastating trauma.

This is the opponent that BG is supposed to take on?

Assuming that she doesn’t knock him out completely cold after being startled by his sudden wheezing and woozy movements (‘Is this druken creep coming onto me???’), she might instead have to watch on in horror as the man contorts with pain and a lightheadedness so overwhelming, he’s knocked himself out cold by the laws of nature.

SAD.

Guess that means BG is the winner.

Uh… yeah.. there she go again. MC Fan-C comin’ at ya

I recognise that this a sad state
I’m sure the Pilot’s great
But his ass is bound for bad fates

Strugglin’ to breathe air as he lands
Somewhere on foreign lands
As BG looks on tryin’ to understand

The man ain’t drunk, it’s decompression
Due to his quick recession
From flying the skies to feelin’ ground oppression
Shit, would you look at his expression?
As he’s faced with the end of his life knowing ‘No more Cid Highwind lessons’.

We know this battle is a quick one
I'll let the fates run
No need for violence, just decompression
BG looks to be so done.
Without lifting a finger, you know this girl's beautifully won.

I recognise that this a sad state
I’m sure the Pilot’s great
But his ass is bound for bad fates.

His final home is the ‘Kalm House’
Become food for the plant louse
As BG walks away from trouble that rouse-d

Word to ya family.

It only takes one look at the portrait my insidious counterpart provided to see the obvious oversight to her claim. Even in the event that our pilot is catapulted from the air to the battle site at high speed, given no time to acclimate himself before start of combat, he would still be connected to his Captain by headset. There will be no falling unconcious with Cid Highwind shouting directives into the dutiful pilots ears and even if he did, Cid would surely shout him awake before the Beautiful Girl dares come near the source of the noise.

As my opponents say, the Beautiful Girl only has all the laws of nature and self-preservation instincts honed over many years supporting her in this fight.

The pilot has this.


There is no contest, the pilot will survive no matter what is neccesary to do so, the stakes are higher then B.G can even fathom.

Referee! Foul! Unsporting!

Cid's far more likely to cuss the pilot out and give him a painful ribbing for getting into a fight with beautiful girl ("Buddy, that ain't what girls are for, don't you know nothing?") than he is to talk him through the fine art of how to punch a lady into unconsciousness. In Before Crisis, after the Tiny Bronco was stolen Cid could barely keep it together long enough to talk down the Turk who ended up flying the plane, and Cid loved the Tiny Bronco more than he loved Shera even.

Do you think he'll have the patience to coach the Pilot through a meaningless smackdown of NPCs, when he and the other main characters are right in the middle of the crucial mission to stop the Huge Materia falling into Shinra's hands? Nah, Cid'll just drawl, "Good riddance to bad rubbish. Varmint didn't know his port from his starboard anyway," and take the helm himself.

With all respect to the beautiful girl's looks, let's not crazy. No one left the Highwind at either Cloud or Cid's prompting, our pilot was looking down at Tifa rocking Cloud's world from the airship like everyone else the night before Meteorfall. It didn't distract him from his mission, or render him inoperable of talking to her normally afterwards.

As for the Captain leaving his friends and crew to die based on them wasting everyone's time on meaningless NPC brawls, tell that to Scarlet's left cheek.

Aw, come on, BG isn't going to kill the Pilot. All she has to do is render him defenceless.

Of course Cid wouldn't leave Tifa to die, she's a Main Party Character. She's not replaceable. Pilots, on the other hand, are two a gil.

But in any case, if the pilot has to rely on reinforcements, then the pilot isn't the one winning the smackdown, is he? Cid would be the one winning. I mean by saying the Pilot has to call in Cid, you're basically saying he can't win on his own.

Thanks for admitting that.

And even if we pretended that Cid would waste his time interfering in the matter, it isn’t as though the pilot would be in a position to take any advice that the Captain could possibly offer him in this scenario. He’d be too busy trying not to die to death what with his lungs basically collapsing from trauma. By then, BG would have already knocked him flat on his ass and he’d be worn down to get up. He’d probably welcome the rest—piloting is already a highly stressful job. Piloting for a bunch of band of skilled killers who are also stressed out whilst trying to keep out of reach of a megapowerful company with an army sounds downright exhausting. Piloting for a band of skilled stressed killers whilst keeping out of reach of a blood thirsty company with an army under the mentoring of Cid Highwind must be close to death itself.

You should maybe consider retiring, o’ lowly Pilot.

Sure, ref. You yourself posed to us the scenerio that Pilot is taken to this makeshift arena mid transit.
Cid, his pilot having gone AWOL in the middle of taking them to their destination, with a means on communicating on hand is gonna save his breath and quietly take over the person's duties or go back and hire someone else without taking steps to let the guilty party know his feelings on the matter. Yeah, he's a true stoic our Cid. Not at all likely to give someone a piece of his mind.

No. Our pilot will receive prompt instruction to "GET THE &*%$ BACK TO WORK" and will take far more care to meet his Captain' needs then his ailing lungs, or taking the time to admire the beauty of the lady in front of him. And if that lady is in the way of him doing so, as indeed fate has led her to be, he will take her down.

1. How does Cid even know where the Pilot is?
2. I know Cid has quite a carrying voice, but even he cannot shout on the Highwind and be heard in Kalm.
I'm sure you've noticed that in order to give the Pilot any instructions, you have to be standing right next to him.
If the Pilot is capable of thinking anything, he's probably thinking that he must have screwed up and Cid threw him out of the airship and that's how he got here.

Cid is an RPG protagonist. He will immediately prioritise an NPC sidequest over his immediate goals. Also, if they're in the middle of the mission, that means that the Highwind is grounded, therefore no decompression sickness.

If there's one thing a pilot needs, it's focus. You can't last long if you are easily distracted by interesting birds or cloud formations. He's able to keep focus with Tifa Lockhart (Current Holder of Shinra's "World's Most Beautiful International Terrorist" Award) standing directly in front of him.

Other crew members can be distracted from their duties by talking to them. Not this guy. He'll stay focused.

As a pilot, he'll have goggles to protect himself from Mace and Car Keys.

Beautiful Girl, however, is dressed for tropical Mideel, not an old man't unheated house (because he's still recovering in Fort Condor.) She won't be able to function in the cold, and school fight experience doesn't trump working with terrorists and the Shinra military.

Further, Beautiful Girl craves adventure, she's sick of her shop. On noticing her adversary is a pilot, she will want to know about his stories of travelling to far flung spots, and possibly even sign on with the crew for adventures. She's likely to just surrender in order to fly around with the Highwind Crew having adventures.

WOW I got so lost in the sauce that I missed this. Pretend that I posted this 36 minutes earlier lmao.


Friendly reminder to players that as of the 31st May, 21:34 GMT, you have less than 24 hours to sway Spectators.

Here's a link to a time zone converter in case anyone needs it.

Keep on keepin’ on!

Clement Rage said:

Cid is an RPG protagonist. He will immediately prioritise an NPC sidequest over his immediate goals. Also, if they're in the middle of the mission, that means that the Highwind is grounded, therefore no decompression sickness.

If there's one thing a pilot needs, it's focus. You can't last long if you are easily distracted by interesting birds or cloud formations. He's able to keep focus with Tifa Lockhart (Current Holder of Shinra's "World's Most Beautiful International Terrorist" Award) standing directly in front of him.

Other crew members can be distracted from their duties by talking to them. Not this guy. He'll stay focused.

As a pilot, he'll have goggles to protect himself from Mace and Car Keys.

Click to expand...

See, I don't think that's true. Cid might prioritise a sidequest that involves fighting the Shinra, but right now Meteor is in the sky and the danger is so urgent that he can't take time off to rescue one of his pilots. What's more, as I said before, if the Pilot is capable of winning this smackdown, then why does he need Cid to rescue him?

Sure. Tifa is beautiful. but BG is Beautiful. And there isn't any Cid around to terrorise the Pilot into focusing.

Beautiful Girl, however, is dressed for tropical Mideel, not an old man't unheated house (because he's still recovering in Fort Condor.) She won't be able to function in the cold, and school fight experience doesn't trump working with terrorists and the Shinra military.

Click to expand...

The Pilot just flies a plane. What's more, he's still in training. We can surmise he has not been working with Shinra for very long. We don't in fact knows that he has any fighting experience at all. He travels with Avalanche, but does he ever fight with them? No. Surely if he had any half-way decent combat skills he'd be out there at Fort Condor and Junon fighting the Shinra.

BG is Hot, man. She generates her own heat.

Further, Beautiful Girl craves adventure, she's sick of her shop. On noticing her adversary is a pilot, she will want to know about his stories of travelling to far flung spots, and possibly even sign on with the crew for adventures. She's likely to just surrender in order to fly around with the Highwind Crew having adventures.

Click to expand...

If there's one thing BG has had plenty of practice in, it's refusing to surrender to men. She may well crave adventure, it would not be out of character. But if she uses her assets to charm the Pilot into refusing to fight her, and if she further charms him into offering to introduce her to Cid and Avalanche, then I think that counts as a win for BG: she will have achieved her goals.

LicoriceAllsorts said:

1. How does Cid even know where the Pilot is?
2. I know Cid has quite a carrying voice, but even he cannot shout on the Highwind and be heard in Kalm.
I'm sure you've noticed that in order to give the Pilot any instructions, you have to be standing right next to him.
If the Pilot is capable of thinking anything, he's probably thinking that he must have screwed up and Cid threw him out of the airship and that's how he got here.

Click to expand...

He doesn't have to be there or know where the pilot is. The pilot is wearing a headset to communicate with the rest of the crew, primarily his captain.

The Pilot just flies a plane. What's more, he's still in training. We can surmise he has not been working with Shinra for very long. We don't in fact knows that he has any fighting experience at all. He travels with Avalanche, but does he ever fight with them? No. Surely if he had any half-way decent combat skills he'd be out there at Fort Condor and Junon fighting the Shinra.

Click to expand...

Long or not, we know that Rufus took the Highwind as his mode of transport of choice by the time he went to the Northern Continent, the ferry, helicopters and Tiny Bronco were improvisations because the Highwind wasn't ready yet. While Tifa was in a coma for week, Barret reassures us that Rufus has been taking the fight to the Weapons the entire time. The pilot was handpicked for the most dangerous missions, him still being in training only means it can't be solely for his skill as a pilot that he was selected, he has been in and out of combat scenerios since the Weapons appeared and AVALANCHE has not always been there to help.

If there's one thing BG has had plenty of practice in, it's refusing to surrender to men. She may well crave adventure, it would not be out of character. But if she uses her assets to charm the Pilot into refusing to fight her, and if she further charms him into offering to introduce her to Cid and Avalanche, then I think that counts as a win for BG: she will have achieved her goals.

Click to expand...

That is NOT true, sir. Having helped her to achieve an arbitrary goal of her choicing is NOT a win condition, these are rancid lies. The ref already clarified to you once that the opponent needs to be rendered unable to fight at all, whether that is physically, mentally or existentially.

So if her charm renders the Pilot unwilling to fight her, she wins?

Make love, not war.

LicoriceAllsorts said:

Clement Rage said:

Cid is an RPG protagonist. He will immediately prioritise an NPC sidequest over his immediate goals. Also, if they're in the middle of the mission, that means that the Highwind is grounded, therefore no decompression sickness.

If there's one thing a pilot needs, it's focus. You can't last long if you are easily distracted by interesting birds or cloud formations. He's able to keep focus with Tifa Lockhart (Current Holder of Shinra's "World's Most Beautiful International Terrorist" Award) standing directly in front of him.

Other crew members can be distracted from their duties by talking to them. Not this guy. He'll stay focused.

As a pilot, he'll have goggles to protect himself from Mace and Car Keys.

Click to expand...

See, I don't think that's true. Cid might prioritise a sidequest that involves fighting the Shinra, but right now Meteor is in the sky and the danger is so urgent that he can't take time off to rescue one of his pilots. What's more, as I said before, if the Pilot is capable of winning this smackdown, then why does he need Cid to rescue him?

Sure. Tifa is beautiful. but BG is Beautiful. And there isn't any Cid around to terrorise the Pilot into focusing.

Beautiful Girl, however, is dressed for tropical Mideel, not an old man't unheated house (because he's still recovering in Fort Condor.) She won't be able to function in the cold, and school fight experience doesn't trump working with terrorists and the Shinra military.

Click to expand...

The Pilot just flies a plane. What's more, he's still in training. We can surmise he has not been working with Shinra for very long. We don't in fact knows that he has any fighting experience at all. He travels with Avalanche, but does he ever fight with them? No. Surely if he had any half-way decent combat skills he'd be out there at Fort Condor and Junon fighting the Shinra.

BG is Hot, man. She generates her own heat.

Further, Beautiful Girl craves adventure, she's sick of her shop. On noticing her adversary is a pilot, she will want to know about his stories of travelling to far flung spots, and possibly even sign on with the crew for adventures. She's likely to just surrender in order to fly around with the Highwind Crew having adventures.

Click to expand...

If there's one thing BG has had plenty of practice in, it's refusing to surrender to men. She may well crave adventure, it would not be out of character. But if she uses her assets to charm the Pilot into refusing to fight her, and if she further charms him into offering to introduce her to Cid and Avalanche, then I think that counts as a win for BG: she will have achieved her goals.

Click to expand...

This is the same party that delays going to Sephiroth to breed Chocobos and ride rollercoasters.

Pilot doesn't need Cid, but it's a nice bonus. He can focus all by himself, it's necessary for his job. He doesn't fight because they can't afford to lose their pilot, but he pilots a military craft, he has to have some combat training.

If there's one thing BG has had plenty of practice in, it's refusing to surrender to men. She may well crave adventure, it would not be out of character. But if she uses her assets to charm the Pilot into refusing to fight her, and if she further charms him into offering to introduce her to Cid and Avalanche, then I think that counts as a win for BG: she will have achieved her goals

Click to expand...

Untrue. BG didn't want to settle in Mideel. She wants to live somewhere more exciting. But she settled there anyway, because it was what her husband wanted. That's not the action of someone that never takes no for an answer.

You could equally argue that Pilot has charmed BG into not fighting him. But I'd argue that the Pilot has more leverage here. He has access to something she wants, whereas there are beautiful girls all over the world, including her identical clone in Junon.

But he was working tho

Who’s disposition would be most shaken in the middle of this? BG, likely a little weirded out and maybe even a little chilly, but she’s been around the block once or twice and more than knows how to handle herself.

The Pilot, however, suddenly plucked from the midst of flying an airship during dangerous missions, running from powerful men, chasing a known murderer, shaken from yet another snide remark made by the man who’s approval he most seeks to gain. His nerves must be shot to all hell. Plus he’s got the decompression sickness.

YES, I AM GOING BACK TO THAT.

I absolutely believe the likelihood of his flying the airship when the smackdown happens is quite high! How often have players rode around the Planet on the Highwind just gliding through continents over and over out of boredom? Or even just sat there for a moment contemplating where to go next? Maybe you even put the controller down and went to go fix yourself a sandwich? Am I the only one who’s done that lmao? Ran around trying to find WEAPONs to beat up? Admit it!

Furthermore, look at him.


He has a headset on and everything, suggesting he was in the middle of a job. He even looks like he’s in the midst of shouting into it for goodness sakes. Likely, “I’m sorry Captain, it won’t happen again Captain!” Now, I’ve never been a pilot, but I’ve certainly worked in fields where headsets were a must and, I’ll tell you, I’ve yet to ever bring my headset or any such work equipment with me to lunch, on a break, or any such downtime. So because he’s dressed and ready to be handling the ship, my guess is that he was, well, handling the ship when the smackdown happened.

What a twist of bad luck...

I’m about to lose my electricity so have some gansta rap

BG or Beautiful Gangsta in the streets
Get them hands and neck sweatin’ every time you meet
She’ll defeat
Any punkass gettin’ in her way
You messin’ with BG? You make it worth her day

BG or Beautiful Gangsta in the club
One look and she got fools wantin’ to be called her “hub”
She ain’t no sub!
Chick eats dudes like Pilot for second breakfast
It’s lonely on top when you’re the bestest

BG or Beautiful Gangsta in the ghetto
Bruh, she’ll fuck you up, that much we know
NO
-body can stop my homegirl now
In the presence of greatest, Pilot had better bow

*jazz outro*

*record scratch*

This marks the end of round 1-8!

Spectators (and the audience!*) have 24 hours to cast their votes (either by posting in this thread or messaging me privately) for the champion that they have been swayed to stand behind. Your judges are...


At this time, spectators and audience members are allowed to post their thoughts on the match. Players are NOT ALLOWED to counter any of these comments with new arguments or to continue ‘battling’ in general. Any attempt to do so will count as an automatic loss for your team. Players are free, however, to pay compliments to your opponents and such. ^^

Players!

If you’d like to opt out of participating in the next round, tell me so now.. Otherwise, I’m going to assume you’re still playing and you’re going to be reshuffled into a new team.

In General

If anyone (players, spectators, audience, anyone) has any feedback, questions, or concerns regarding the rules, please post that in the master thread here. It’ll be easier for me to keep track of/find your feedback this way for future reference. Thank you!

Any non-participant who’d like to be shuffled into a team, please say so now.

Thank you to spectators and audience members who voted!

Spoiler: Round 1-8’s Winner is…

VICTORY GOES TO TEAM CHOCOBO

Spoiler: Spectator’s MVP

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*FancySycamoreTree*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

LAST ROUND AHEAD!!

ROUND 1-9 Last Batcha Rounds


Choco Billy - The grandson of Choco Bill who knows the basics of Chocobos and handles the lure …
Are you ready Team Chocobo?

Ester - The best dang chocobo racing manager there ever was and resident of Gold Saucer…
Are you ready Team Moogle?

___________________

The countdown begins when the first team player posts!

In the left corner...!

Choco Billy: the scrappy, farm-hardened, all weather, extremely bright young man who is at the forefront of running the famous Chocobo Farm! Used to wrangling chocobo, seeing off chocobo rustlers, and generally kicking ass.

In the right corner...!

Ester: the flirty fashionista with a penchant for chocobo racing and hanging out at the Gold Saucer. Questionable taste in men. Let's face it, she indulges in a rich girl's hobby because that's what she is. A rich girl who has just never had to experience the knocks of a hard world. Has she ever even ridden a chocobo? We just don't know.


Ladies, gentlemen, others, we gather here today to witness this plucky young farmer go head to head with a woman who spends much of her time trying to maximise the volume of her hair. Is this even a contest? I think the bet is not on who wins, but on how quickly Choco Billy can trounce the young lady.

Whether this contest is an old fashioned fist fight or a chocobo race, Choco Billy has the versatility and the gumption to win!

I'm not going to deny Choco Billy is strong, because that's the same argument I used in defense of Chloe: working on a farm builds muscles. And that's Billy: all brawn and very little brain. Yes, sadly he's a bit of a local yokel. He's not smart enough to run the farm. Choco Bill does that; Choco Bill handles all the finances. Choco Billy isn't even allowed in the house: he stays in the barn to answer questions. But not just any questions. He has a small set of questions whose answers he has memorised, and that's it, that's all he can tell you. He always offers you the same options in the same order, even if he's just answered one of them. He can't take them questions out of order; it would muddle him too much. Why, even when you only have one chocobo in the yard, he asks you which one you want to put in the stable!

There's only one thing he and Ester have in common, and that's the ability to recognise a good bird when they see it. Looks like our Billy is a bit of an idiot savant.

As for Ester - that woman has balls. She orders Mr Coats around. She 'has a word' with Dio. When she gives an order, the men jump to it, whether they're the lowliest criminal or the billionaire owner of Gold Saucer.

Ester doesn't just manage jockeys. This woman trains chocobos too. She says as much to Cloud: "This is a Chocobo I prepared myself. He won't lose easily."

He won't lose easily. The same is true of our Ester. This classy lady has confidence to spare! She'll soon have Choco Billy eating out of her hand, just like every other bird - and man - she meets.