FFVII CHARACTER SMACKDOWN - The Neutrals Championship

Shinra Manager slips Hart a couple of thousand gil and Hart throws the match. Shinra Manager maintains his honour, Hart fattens his bank balance: they both get what they want.

You know it could happen that way... If the Shinra Manager weren't too honourable to cheat his way to victory.

the shinra manager
a man of
honour
sacrifice
loyalty
preparation
pockets armed with
pepper spray, d e t e r m i n a t i o n
in his eyes
vision 20/20
unlike aging mayor hart's fading
visual and
auditory senses
disintegrating like his
bones and
we all know that
the one who is
virtuous
(and young
with vigour)
shall stand
in victory

- b b

I think we're forgetting one very important fact here. This fight is taking place in icicle inn. This match doesn't go to whoever can fight, it goes to whoever can fight in the snow.

Shinra Manager is a Midgar man through and though. Yes, he does go to Junon, but let's be honest, even that is something of an ordeal for him. He likes comfort, he likes respect, he likes people to follow the rules. Put him somewhere where people throw snowballs and go sledging for fun, somewhere where Shinra presence barely touches, and he'll be so far out of his comfort zone that nothing else will matter. Oh, he'll bluster 'you can't touch me, I'm a Shinra Manager!' and the like, but he's got no bite behind his bark.

Meanwhile the Deputy Mayor looks far more well travelled. He's older, but he's not old. In fact, he's in that sweet spot where vigour and strength is undiminished, but he has a wealth of experience to draw upon.

And as Fancy astutely observed, he sports the clothes of a martial artist, suggesting he's had at least some training. He's less rigid about following 'the rules'. He's not afraid to ask Avalanche for money, something that shows guts considering they're known terrorists sporting giant-ass swords and guns. He spends most of his time in a library filled with books about science, weaponry, urban planning and space travel. We can assume he's pretty well read, and will have no difficulty adapting to the situation he finds himself.

Plus he bears to loyalty to Shina, indeed he even carries a certain amount of resentment. He'll leap upon this opportunity to express all that frustration and long-standing bitterness -- he'll be on Shinra Manager before the Manager even works out what's going on.

"Meanwhile the Deputy Mayor looks far more well travelled."

Ha ha ha ha.... Oh wait, that wasn't a joke?

Not only has the deputy mayor never left Midgar, it's been years since he left the Shinra library. Hart is the ultimate bookworm.

Icicle Inn, like Costa del Sol, is a winter sports holiday village. And you know who goes on holiday? Ordinary men and women in paid employment, like the Shinra Manager. We know he's well travelled, and if he likes his comforts then Icicle Inn, their world's equivalent of Zermatt or Banff, is precisely the place he'd enjoy for a little down time.

And finally,
"Plus he bears to loyalty to Shina, indeed he even carries a certain amount of resentment." He sounds a bit conflicted. Why would he feel resentment if he's loyal?

Robes of a martial artist? More like he came into work that day in his sleep wear because he is of an age and at the point in his deadend career that he doesn't care about his appearance anymore. Unlike the Shinra manager, who is high enough in the organisational structure that, should the executive branch be eliminated, he might be the next President, Hart doesn't have high enough clearance to even access the floor that houses the Shinra building's gym. It takes steadfast routine to maintain fitness, and that's where the Deputy Major and Shinra Manager's attidute differ the most.

The next president? The only person who thinks he's a contender is the Shinra Manager himself - demonstrating his delusions of grandeur.

And that's the Shinra Manager all over. Always overestimating himself and his importance. Nope, he lives in the slums and rides the train to work, he's put up in an army barracks and not an inn when he gets sent to Junon. He's a middle manager through and through. A good paper pusher, he probably gets his reports filed on time, but he lacks leadership, creativity, flair... all important things to draw upon in a fight.

The Deputy Mayor Hart however? Ah, now there's a man of creativity and flair! He's clearly been causing trouble for Shinra all along -- hence the quote "I can't be a partner to anymore trouble for Shinra." -- and he's still sowing seeds of rebellion even when left to mind a dusty old library. Sure, he makes some money along the way, but his real purpose is in seeing just how serious this terrorist group is and whether they have either the smarts or the resources to actually get somewhere. Even after Shinra has tried to consign him to the history books, he's still right there causing trouble for them.

Mayor Domino himself clearly has a screw loose, and no doubt it was Hart who pulled strings and managed to get his older friend into the safe waters of minding the Shinra library. That's Hart all over, he looks after his friends, he's adaptable, he's even got a sense of humour.

Meanwhile Shinra Manager doesn't even appear to have any friends -- he's clearly not someone of influence of stature.

Nope, this is pretty much how the fight will go down:

LicoriceAllsorts said:

And finally,
"Plus he bears to loyalty to Shina, indeed he even carries a certain amount of resentment." He sounds a bit conflicted. Why would he feel resentment if he's loyal?

Click to expand...

That was my typo. Should've been 'he bears no loyalty to Shinra'.

Deputy Mayor Hart, on the other hand, doesn't make typos

Don’t mess with Hart
’E’ll tear you apart
Pants kicking all day
Uzis are child’s play
Tearing up the ass of these whippersnappers
You don’t underestimate this upperstrapper

Making managers quiver
Aggravating the shivers
Young man ain’t got shit
Old man just don’t quit
RAAAAATAAATAATATAAAA

Hard ass muthafucka
’As toast with butta
Running out of rhymes.
TPlease vote for Team Chocobo, I love you, boy oh boy that sab and Joe and Clement Rage and general audience sure are swell people. (｡･ω･&#65377

Sure you want to take our man on?
He's slum born and slum bred
Initiative is his middle name
Rose through the ranks of the company
A fighter in and out of his red suit.

Many a small battle has he fought and won
Ambition drives him, honour sustains him,
Never yielding in the face of danger
Able and willing to put his courage to the test.
Get ready to watch him triumph once again.
Extra, extra, read all about it:
Righteous victor in the struggle of good against evil.

*EY!!!*

This marks the end of round 1-10!

Spectators (and the audience!*) have 24 hours to cast their votes (either by posting in this thread or messaging me privately) for the champion that they have been swayed to stand behind. Your judges are...


At this time, spectators and audience members are allowed to post their thoughts on the match. Players are NOT ALLOWED to counter any of these comments with new arguments or to continue ‘battling’ in general. Any attempt to do so will count as an automatic loss for your team. Players are free, however, to pay compliments to your opponents and such. ^^

Players!

If you’d like to opt out of participating in the next round, tell me during this 24 hour spectator period. Otherwise, I’m going to assume you’re still playing and you’re going to be reshuffled into a new team.

In General

If anyone (players, spectators, audience, anyone) has any feedback, questions, or concerns regarding the rules, please post that in the master thread here. It’ll be easier for me to keep track of/find your feedback this way for future reference. Thank you!

Any non-participant who’d like to be shuffled into a team, please say so now.

^We're still in the fortnight we're on break, are we?

LicoriceAllsorts said:

Sure you want to take our man on?
He's slum born and slum bred
Initiative is his middle name
Rose through the ranks of the company
A fighter in and out of his red suit.

Many a small battle has he fought and won
Ambition drives him, honour sustains him,
Never yielding in the face of danger
Able and willing to put his courage to the test.
Get ready to watch him triumph once again.
Extra, extra, read all about it:
Righteous victor in the struggle of good against evil.

Click to expand...

Let the spectators witness: Licorice is so good her rap doesn't even need to rhyme and it still has perfect rhythm!!

That's kind of you, but surely what I wrote is not rap?

Edited to add: altho rap is just modern Shakespeare

^i rapped it as i read it
so let's say it's a rap
werd

- b b

ROUND 1-10 WINNER

Thank you to spectators and audience members who voted!

Spoiler: Round 1-10’s Winner is…

VICTORY GOES TO TEAM MOOGLE

Spoiler: Spectator’s MVPs

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*BforB*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

We’re back at it again!

The following will be rolled into new teams. Let me know if you think this is whack and would like to me removed/added.

• BforB
• Channy
• Ergo
• Fancy
• InterfaceLeader (weekends)
• LicoriceAllsorts
• Minato

Smell ya later!

I'm a little late to the party ere but my vote goes to team Shinra Manager.

Joe said:

I'm a little late to the party ere but my vote goes to team Shinra Manager.

Click to expand...

Your dead to.me.

Joe said:

I'm a little late to the party ere but my vote goes to team Shinra Manager.

Click to expand...

Your dead to me.

Pardon my tardiness, everyone! It’s been an exceptionally busy weekend

Coincidentally, Joe, you weren’t the only one to vote for the manager

So, right, congratulations to Moogle and all that, ahem


I forget which bit made me laugh the hardest. b b cummings commitment to her character always slays me.

ROUND 1-11


Mayor Domino - A disgruntled employee of Shinra who is only a mayor in name...
Are you ready Team Chocobo?

Chocobo Sage - Sell rare fruits and nuts from an unmarked location...
Are you ready Team Moogle?

___________________

The countdown begins when the first team player posts!

o chocobo sage
who is the fairest of them all?
certainly not
mayor domino
if he hasn't even shaved
his beard
where else
has he not shaved?
if he hasn't
shaved
has he even showered?
how many cultures
of bacteria
are stranded
trapped
jailed
between unwashed
scraggly jungles
of wire(and not the
shiny, hopeful kind)beneath
his balls?

nitty gritty midgar
is a playground for
the nasty
and grotesque(diseases fester
upon unsuspecting
unshowered bald men)they go
"b o o
bet ya testicles didnt
see me comin
now its time
to die"

the chocobo sage
chuckles
no
mayor domino was not
the fairest of them all
but at least
he died liberated
from his nasty
diseased
balls

- b b

b b cummings AT IT AGAIN o_O

Let the record show that the battle phase of Round 1-11 was initiated by Team Moogle on 25 June, 09:54 GMT.

All players have until...
27 June, 09:54 GMT
...to sway their spectators.

Here's a link to a time zone converter in case anyone needs it.

Best of luck!

Slander and lies!

If Domino was as grubby as my opponent implies, Cloud and crew would’ve been knocked flat on their asses after their first meeting from the smell. He works for the Shinra company, so you know he’s making a decent wage and can more than afford some soap and deodorant. Besides, no one would tolerate him inhabiting the 62nd floor and funking up the place.

Why did my opponent feel compelled to come up with this ridiculous slander?!

Because she knows that the Chocobo Sage is a hopeless case. He’s a decrepit old man heaving in his last lungfuls of breath with an ailing mind and failing health. His beady little eyes aren’t glowing with the wisdom or wit—that’s just jaundice. According to the wiki,

ff wiki said:

His memory often fails him, to the point where he even forgets who he is or what he is saying.

Click to expand...

This is all within the comfort of his own home. Imagine how he would he react if, little by little, he realises that he’s not in his house anymore, but the stuffy, dark, rank interior of one of Shinra’s cargo ships?

This wouldn’t ail him for long! ye cry, For he would eventually forget that he wasn’t home!

Ah, yes… except… he would eventually remember. Then he would experience the terrifying shock all over again, only to forget, and then remember, throwing himself into an endless loop of shock and recovery and shock and recovery until his heart gave out.

And Mayor Domino would be sat across him on the other side of the cargo ship with his arms crossed, annoyed that he’s been dragged away from his office but unphased by Shinra’s heedlessness at this point. He wouldn’t even have to do anything—he’d just stare dead-eyed at the cooky old man in purple stuck in a perpetual loop of shock and heart attacks till the purple stranger stopped moving altogether. Domino would regret that another life has been lost due to Shinra’s tactic, but he’d shrug it off, for it’s the way of the world.

Who is the Chocobo Sage, what is he? He has a rounded bottom with no legs, seems to float like Bugenhagen, and bears a passing resemblance to the purple creature from the Temple of the Ancients. Is he human? Is he a Cetra? Nobody knows. The secret of his true identity has been closely guarded for many centuries, but I can now exclusively reveal that he is, in fact, a Weeble. And as we all know, weebles wobble, but they don't fall down.



Yes, the Chocobo Sage has a memory as wobbly as his body, but he won't fall down. Do you think he has lived to be 2,873 years old by being nervous and easily frightened? This - entity - lives all alone in a hut in an isolated, vlakrados-infested valley, his only companion a green chocobo, on whom, presumably, he travels the mountains of the Northern Continent whenever he isn't handing out breeding tips to any rare sojourners who make the effort to seek him out. Such a life is not for the weak or the easily disheartened.

The Chocobo Sage may wobble, but he won't fall down.

We know two things for certain about Mayor Domino
1. He is willing to trade company secrets with random hoodlums:
"You want to get upstairs? I tell you what, if you can guess the password, I'll give you my keycard. Yes, that's it. Guess the password and I'll give you my keycard!"
I mean, the Shinra Manager could tell at a glance that Cloud & Co were hoodlums, but maybe Mayor Domino doesn't get out enough. Maybe he's just not familiar with the mean streets of Midgar.
2. He relies on other people to fight his battles:
"Why would I do something like this, you ask? To mess with them, of course! Shinra's been torturing me forever. That's why I was a little rough on you all just now. Now go up there and really make them suffer."

One could argue that Mayor Domino doesn't fall down either, and that's true. You can't fall down if you never stand up for yourself in the first place.

Doooomino

Doooomino

When the Mayor’s in the crib ma
Drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot
When the ShinRa try to get at you
Park it like it's hot
Park it like it's hot
Park it like it's hot
And if a SOLDIER get a attitude
Pop it like it's hot
Pop it like it's hot
Pop it like it's hot
I got the Rolly on my arm and I'm pouring Chandon
And I gots the best mako 'cause I got it going on

Uh! I'm a nice dude, with some nice dreams
See these ice cubes, see these ice creams?
Eligible bachelor, million dollar boat
That's whiter than what's spilling down your throat
The Mayor, exterior like a f*cking slayer
The interior like midgar zolom dead red
I can exercise you, this can be your Phys. Ed
Cheat on your man ma, that's how you get ahizzead
Mayor wit the beat, I know AVALANCHE in the street
Wit' the steel that'll make you feel like Chinchilla in the heat
So don't try to run up on my ear talking all that raspy shit
Trying to ask me shit
When the ShinRa fill ya vest they ain't gon pass me shit
You should think about it, take a second
Matter fact, you should take four B!
And think before you fuck wit Mayor Dominooooooooo

When the Mayor’s in the crib ma
Drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot
When the ShinRa try to get at you
Park it like it's hot
Park it like it's hot
Park it like it's hot
And if a SOLDIER get a attitude
Pop it like it's hot
Pop it like it's hot
Pop it like it's hot

cloud and
company
were just being
polite(the chocobo sage may
not be the best
but he is good enough to
not fall down)unlike
mayor domino
both a coward
and unshowered

- b b