are we to suppose that every single person who travels from the biggest city in the world to the biggest beach resort in the world can only do by battling their way across plains and mountains and through Mythril Mines, tackling Zoloms and all manner of monsters?
All the evidence of Johnny's troubled drunkenness just adds to his advantages. He has all the hallmarks of a fighter, including arrests for public order offences. If I'm not mistaken, the mugshot has what appears to be a fresh scar on his right cheek, indicating that that arrest was for fighting. All adding to his experience. Maybe not the guy you bring home for dinner, but certainly the guy you want at your back in a brawl.
Meanwhile, 'Old Guy' drives a truck. Given how bad the terrain is, that probably means he lives somewhere like Kalm. He won't be able to fit his truck in the train graveyard, leavbing him facing a younger, fitter, tougher man that knows the territory. Old Guy's fight experience, as implied by the name, was a long time ago, and he's settled into his truck driving job.
If Johnny's the one getting arrested for public brawling, he's the one too injured to run away when the cops arrive. He's not the old guy, he's the other guy - you know, the one who looks worse. Just because a young man gets himself involved in lots of bar brawls doesn't mean he's any good at it. §
I don't know why everyone thinks Johnny is familiar with the train graveyard. He's known to be of a somewhat nervous disposition, and the train graveyard is supposed to be haunted... and it doesn't offer the lures of booze or women. Johnny wouldn't go in there if his life depended on it.
. He's not the old guy, he's the other guy - you know, the one who looks worse. Just because a young man gets himself involved in lots of bar brawls doesn't mean he's any good at it. §
I would even go so far as to say that he's terrible at it. The people who are getting involved in a lot of bar brawls are the ones who can't handle their liquor, with a quick mouth and doesn't think twice of their opponent. That's Johnny, completely underestimating our Old Man who will rig up the nearest train to drive it over his sorry drunk ass. Our Old Man may look tired but he's got the stamina, the drive to keep going, just like he makes all those long haul drives to Midgar.
If the Old Guy was as fat as you all shame him for, then fine, Johnny wouldn’t be able to make a dent. In fact, he would easily knock over Johnny’s drunk ass and sit on him and the fight would be over. Licorice is right, Johnny demonstrates a nervous disposition and is exactly the kind of insecure man that talks himself up to overcompensate but can’t dish a real life challenge. The Old Guy won't need to drive the train, just lock him in one and make ghost sounds and Johnny will drive himself to tears. Cry for mummy, Johnny, cry!
Reasons Why Johnny Continues To Be The Very Embodiment Of Suck
Snap, didn’t mean to fall quiet! Cursed life responsibilities! Anyway, let’s go! Because this post is T H I C C I’ve put points under spoiler tags. I dunno, I thought it would help??
Oh yes daddy! Look at those defined, huge, muscular arms compared to Johnny's skinny chicken bone limbs. Dude's got a bit of a belly on him now but he still keeps that strength workout routine tight; the roads are long and tough.
A 'bit of a belly'? The guy is wider around than he is tall! No, an aged obese truck driver who spends all day sitting on his butt driving around in the sun is hardly going to have what it takes to cope in the dark, creepy, dangerous environment of the train graveyard -- and Johnny knows exactly how to make those trains shift about, where to hide, and what's safe to climb.
My lovely teammates have already pointed out the vileness of fat shaming, but on top of that, you say that as if he wouldn’t use his physic to his advantage! So he’s a bit thicc. You know who else are deadly opponents with a little bit of extra fat?
Though that doesn’t seem to take away from their athleticism
I can see it now! Johnny drunkenly slurring his words and trying to take a swing at our champ, said champ tightening his muscles so that Johnny comically bounces off the belly. Johnny eventually being crushed under a one-man dog pile.
And we've spent a lot of time exaggerating the amount Johnny likes to drink - but what about old guys past, huh? We know from that belly that the guy likes his food, but what about the other seven deadly sins?
Well, let's see what he says when Zack asks him what he should do with his life!
Old Guy: Young people should try everything!
Yes, this is a guy who likes to experiment - with jobs, and probably with drugs and sex. And the fact he's wound up in a crappy job like driving a truck around is testament to those poor life choices.
Or a testament to his choice of living a little more simply after a lifetime of making the most out of his what he had! Why should young people be confined to this singular trajectory? Why not take advantage of your youth and experiment to see what you love to do and what you have a talent for!? Old Guy isn’t telling Zack to make poor choices, but to not be afraid of them! Experiment! Live a little! Go out and see the world! OR you stir trouble at home and end up as the town drunk, only choosing to escape when your own mother has decided it’s too much...
Your theory that Mukki took him to Costa Del Sol is built on pure conjecture and thin air - look at that picture of Mukki and his companions you shared.
Look closely and consider the type of company Mukki likes to keep. It seems to me that Mukki has a type, and I think we can all agree that Johnny - whom you yourself described as a 'shrimp' - is not that type.
No, Mukki likes to travel the world and is not short on cash, but his entourage is made up of sporty, muscular, gym-loving guys with a liking for shorts and neatly trimmed facial hair.
NOT slim-and-wiry guys who wear jean jackets with their sleeves rolled up.
Now, if Mukki truly didn’t care for the company of anyone who wasn’t packing serious muscle, then why would he be so interested in Cloud?
, surely not much bigger if at all than Cloud himself. So this idea that Mukki couldn’t possible keep Johnny for company because of his physic is, frankly, a fallacy!
Furthermore, by insisting he couldn’t have gone with Mukki & Company, I’m assuming you’re sticking with the argument that he faced with a Zolom by himself.
.
Surely you’re not suggesting that Johnny is on par with
Methinks Sephiroth would have something to say about that...
And if you are then, again, why the blankety blank didn’t Tifa and Barret utilise this awesome strength and skill in their fight against Shinra? Why would Tifa even need to give Johnny pointers in fighting as you suggested earlier? This just reeks of FAKE NEWS! SAD!
Is he though?? We’ve only seen evidence of him getting ‘blitzed,’ consider spending the night with a prostitute, and finding his way out of Midgar on the backs of better, stronger men.
Fair, but if you argue that point, surely you must concede that Johnny doesn't know any more about operating a train either. Just because he lives near a yard of broken down trains, does not mean he magically knows how to operate one, just as living near a forest does not automatically qualify one as a dendrologist. And as my teammate Licorice has pointed out, it is likely he's never ventured in the area given it's notorious reputation for being haunted. Thus, this little scenario
Spectators (and the audience!*) have 24 hours to cast their votes (either by posting in this thread or messaging me privately) for the champion that they have been swayed to stand behind. Our esteemed spectators this round are...
Joe
solo player sab
At this time, spectators and audience members are allowed to post their thoughts on the match. Players are NOT ALLOWED to counter any of these comments with new arguments or to continue ‘battling’ in general. Any attempt to do so will count as an automatic loss for your team. Players are free, however, to pay compliments to your opponents and such. ^^
Players!
If you’d like to opt out of participating in the next round, tell me so now.. Otherwise, I’m going to assume you’re still playing and you’re going to be reshuffled into a new team.
In General
If anyone (players, spectators, audience, anyone) has any feedback, questions, or concerns regarding the rules, please post that in the master thread here. It’ll be easier for me to keep track of/find your feedback this way for future reference. Thank you!
Any non-participant who’d like to be shuffled into a team, please say so now.
No Joe post this round because our esteemed judge is busy!! He was kind enough to slide into my DMs to cast his vote, however, along with fellow judge sab and other audience voters.
We have five more rounds to play before we take a fortnight off. Thank you all tremendously for what you’ve contributed thus far! And as always, let me know if you have a problem with this list. Look forward to the next battle post and reroll.
Joe - Flashy master chocobo jockey for Teioh, a badass black chocobo... Are you ready Team Chocobo?
Kalm Traveller - An older gentleman who is wanders the world, searching for rare knicknacks including the Earth Harp, Desert Rose, and Guide Book... Are you ready Team Moogle?
___________________
The countdown begins when the first team player posts!
Chocobo Joe, the greatest living jockey on the planet. Did you know that, pound for pound, jockeys are the world's strongest athletes? Let's see what science has to say:
Not only is Chocobo Joe the world's top jockey, which means he's the world's fittest and strongest athlete, but he is also skilful at fighting monsters, as witnessed by the NPC in Crisis Core who was rescued from monsters by Joe somewhere in the badlands between Midgar and Kalm.
On top of all this, he's a true gentleman who fights by Queensbery rules!
An aged antique collector stands no chance against him, but at least Joe will do him as little damage as possible.
Nice try, Ergo, but everybody knows you don't get to be the world's most famous jockey by being either fat or lazy.
What we DO know is that the way you get to be a jockey is by spending some time in Corel prison. You have to be the strongest of the strong to earn the right to travel up with Ester and take your chances on the Gold Saucer racetrack. And you have to be the strongest of the strongest of the strong to win a name as the greatest jockey of all.
It's true we don't know anything about the Old Traveller of Kalm. We do know that he's old. The fighting skills of his salad days are just a memory. We don't even know for sure that he's a traveller. He might have collected all his objects by trading rather than travelling. All we know for sure is that he plans to go on a journey after he finishes trading with Cloud:
"I guess it's time to go on a journey for the souls of my departed friends......"
That kind of journey sounds more like a pilgrimage, a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing, than a regular habit of his.
Traveller does not seem like some unscrupulous 'anything to win' person. He's quiet and contemplative, intending on going on a pilgrimage for his dead friends. If he was materialistic, he'd just charge for his items, instead he gives them away for a guidebook and a rose, clearly he's not interested in money.
He doesn't say 'go kill the the most powerful monsters you can find' either, he just says he wants specific items, probably that have some kind of sentimental value to him. He doesn't know that the most dangerous monsters in the world have a thing for rare flora and music.
If he's such a great fighter why doesn't he go and get those items himself? Why does he hang around in Kalm waiting for someone like Cloud to come along, someone who can actually fight?
I've been assuming that when our noble NPCs are transported to the venue, they know why they're there. Otherwise, there's no reason for Joe and the Kalm Traveller to fight at all. They'd be much more likely to trade and swap stories. In any other situation they'd get on like a house on fire.
As completely relevant (read: not at all) as the content of the Kalm Traveller's character, curiosity and knowledge are in a physical fight, the sagely old geezer is frail enough to be totally uninterested in a fight.
Spiritless. Dead inside. Old AF. He couldn't give a toot about who wins this fight. He simply knows he wouldn't win, so he wouldn't bother.
Spunky. Fearless. Determination in his eyes. This is the look of someone who knows how to win, and wins often. If Joe has the physicality to wrangle a Chocobo and ride it into victory, then he sure as hell would know how to wrangle a drooping, limp, flaccid old man. He'd tie that rope right around the old man's arms and secure him tightly in place the way he'd secure a wild Chocobo to its post. Boom. Cornered.
That means ‘good morning’ in Japanese. I’m gonna keep misusing it cuz it’s the only greeting I know in Japanese. Besides, it’s always the morning somewhere eh??
Anyway, because Minato decided to opt out, I’ve decided to step in and help Moogle, rendering me incapable of spectating.
B
Oh, B
Can I call you B?
I think I’ll you B.
A drooping, limp, flaccid old man, eh? Oh, no, no, no. Little known fact about our humble little fellow here is that long before he was a Kalm Traveller, in his youth, he was the Wutai Traveller. He travelled extensively, specifically, in the wild and untamed beauty of Southern Wutai. There, he came across and was eventually adopted by a clan of martial artists that specialised in a form that is thousands and thousands of years old. They call this form: Wu-fu.
They taught him many things in that clan: patience, using your wit as well as your strength, endurance, and, you know, how to kick some booty if the time arises.
Observing
Training
Peeping
Trying his hand
Being a baws
My opponents cry, ‘Aha!! So if you’re saying he’s a fighting man, why doesn’t he go out himself to get kick butt and get these items??’
Because he has more important things to do!! As he learnt in Wutai, life is not all about proving how strong one is. He was wise enough to know that it would be easier and faster to ask for outside assistance in obtaining these items. He’s not a boaster! He ain’t too proud!
Unlike our Joe here….
LicoriceAllsorts is right—Joe is one of the worlds finest athletes. And boy does he know it. He wants *you* to know it, too.
Look at him.
Is all that get-up necessary? A total peacock this one!
Joe might’ve had a hard-knock life at the beginning, but what has he done since his fame? Who has he become? A narcissistic, womanizer who thinks much too much about his apperance and rides on the success of the true star of the chocobo races, Teioh.
Inside sources say that he can spend up to a good two doing just this, blowing kisses and winking at his reflection
Disgusting
As the saying goes, you are the company that you keep
Oh, yes, he can be a gentleman—when he wants to be.
The fight would play out like so—Joe, first of all, would be bothered and temperamental upon realising that he’s been whisked away to an unfamiliar and, most important, dirty land. He spent some time being in the bottom rung, he shan’t go back again! He would then see the Kalm Traveller, smiling at him gently, for he has long learnt to keep his cool in unsettling situations.
Joe would demand to know who he is, what are they doing here, and where by the Planet is his assistant?? The older man would look around, shrug, and resume smiling.
Joe would puff once and continue to ramble on trivial shit that annoys him, treating each problem as though it could mean the end of his world. The old man is unphased—he’s lived a long, full life. An overgrown brat isn’t going to shake him now. He’d turn around, observing his environment. Joe would notice…
H-how dare he?? Does the old bastard even know who he is???? He’s J O E.
The young jockey would march right up to him to throw a punch with the old man’s back turned because that’s what bullies and cowards do. Ah, but the old man would sense this and side-step, and scuff Joe’s shoes immediately afterwards.
“HEY!” Joe would exclaim, more outraged at the damage to his new cleats (??) than the fact that he missed his punch. He’d try to hit the Kalm Traveller again and the Traveller remains….wait for it…..Kalm. (badum-tsh). He side-steps and dodges Joes advances until the young man has worn himself out.
“S-stand still and fight like a man, you bastard!” he’d cry, panting for breath. That’s when the Kalm Traveller would raise a brow and decide that enough is enough. He would take a deep breath, bend his knees, ready his hands and WHACK, WHACK. He’d strike his windpipe and the side of Joe’s head, knocking him to the ground. And Joe would be too breathless to stand up and the Traveller would place a single foot on Joe’s head.
Joe would, between gasps, that demand that the bastard gets off of him.
“Admit defeat, and I’ll let you free.” he’d say kalmly.
“Never!” Joe would cry and the Traveller would dig in his heel just a little more.
“Ow! OW! Okay, you bastard! You win! Let me up!”
The Traveller would do just that and, just as he suspected, Joe would try to fight dirty and take another swing at the Traveller again. The Traveller would knock him out, look at him briefly, sniff, then walk away.
DON’T VOTE FOR JOE, JOE! HE’S NOT AS JOEY AS YOU! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!!!
hurrah for fighting the good fight. To my opponents, 
you make for very worthy adversaries. To the judges...ಥ_ಥ
