How can you enjoy this game?

[Umatbru]

Racing games STILL look better than other game types these days. Why do you keep sticking to that moronic comparison?

These days arent Final Fantasy Games usually the best looking games?

 

[Odysseus]

Let me stop you there. Do I have to say again that the Need for Speed looks, plays and sounds better than FFVII?

Need for Speed is also a much smaller game, which allowed more focus on the graphics and sound. I'm sure if FF7 was only an hour long, it'd look and sound much better than it does. Can't really compare the gameplay of an RPG to a Racing game.

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

These days arent Final Fantasy Games usually the best looking games?

Assassin's Creed French Revolution is looking pretty good.

I've never played an Assassin's Creed but I might play French Revolution because I do love me some Committee of Public Safety. It sounds like the kind of thing Heidegger would run.

 

[Umatbru]

Dude seriously, what is your beef with this game?

Explain how the story is nonsensical, don't just say it is, explain it.

Just check my review on deviant art.

 

[Kai Schulen]

Just check my review on deviant art.

I've checked your review on deviantart (and I've seen your posts on other websites) and I can't take it seriously when you have only played the first 2 hours of the game, constantly misspell Aeris's name and constantly bitch about the graphics and gameplay. I mean honestly, it's just basically you repeating what you have been saying for the past 7 pages: "the graphics sux" "teh music suxxs" "the gameplay suxxxss" "FF suxxxsss because I say so! *stamps feet*". I suspect that you only really like Need for Speed because the gameplay is simple enough for you to grasp or something.

Assuming that you're still not a very dedicated troll, I've skimmed through some of your other (short) reviews and I don't understand how you call yourself a legitimate reviewer when most of the time you're talking about something unrelated to what you're reviewing, complaining about how you can't play the game on your computer (either get the console version or get a proper gaming computer), and constantly bitching about the little things and painting them to be giant flaws or "guilty" as you put it (which I'm not even sure you're using in the right context here) that most critics/reviewers wouldn't consider that huge of a flaw or claim that a game sucks because of one little thing. You barely play any of the games you review, (I suspect it's because if there's no easy mode, you can't play at all, or you don't have the attention span to play a game that takes longer than an hour to play and beat) you barely make a proper summary of the games you're reviewing, you barely mention anything about the gameplay and you barely talk about both the good points and bad points of the games you're supposed to be reviewing. Also, dude, spellcheck.

You're about as much of a video game reviewer as EL James is a literary genius of the century, only without the fame and fortune that comes with writing shitty BDSM Twilight fanfiction. But at least your reviews are short and painful to glance at, as opposed to long and painful to read through, so I guess you've got that in your favor, eh?

Of course, all this is assuming that you're actually really serious about this. If you're just trolling, (very dedicated trolling!) I guess I'd have to really applaud you for being 20 minutes of amusement while I procrastinate.

 

[Sprites]

I can't read the review everytine I click on the link I just get the header and nothing else...if you wouldn't mind copying and pasting it here please.

Although based on TR's sentiments I doubt It's worth reading without me feeling the need to reply in an annoyed manner.

 

[Umatbru]

I can't read the review everytine I click on the link I just get the header and nothing else...if you wouldn't mind copying and pasting it here please.

Although based on TR's sentiments I doubt It's worth reading without me feeling the need to reply in an annoyed manner.

Right then, here I go

So for the past fortnight I've been playing a bit of Final Fantasy VII! Pahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Sometimes yahtzee does a thing where he incrementally alters a game's name each time he says it until it's something stupid, but I bet he's feeling pretty fucking undercut here. You know, final fantasy VII, because if its number 7, then it can't be final. I don't know anyone who didn't immediately laugh at this fucking name so why didn't anyone involved in its development put their hand up, or does square-soft not have QA?

You begin this misadventure with 2 members of a terrorist faction called AVALANCHE. Cloud, a spiky haired Chibi in riot gear and Barret, a Louis Gossett, Jr and/or Mr T wannabe, jumping off a train and assaulting some guards before blowing up a reactor harvesting an element called Mako. Mako is the Lifeforce of the planet Gaia, the setting of this carwreck. Speaking of carwreck the game uses something called Active time battle. Abbreviated to ATB, it is a horrific combination of real time and turn based combat inspired by wrecked Formula 1 gearboxes.

After the reactor is bombed, the group heads to their hideout called 7th heaven, a pub run by a woman named Tifa, whose tits would make me very horny indeed if it weren't for her and all the other overworld characters being rendered on an Atari Jaguar instead of a PlayStation, though in battle they look more up-to-date. After Cloud argues with Tifa over a childhood promise, AVALANCHE then goes to bomb another reactor.

When they try to escape, they encounter some boss robot which explodes when defeated, causing Cloud to fall in a flower patch being tended to by Eh-ris Gainsborough, whose gentle demeanor is about as jarring a shift of tone as you can get *without splicing five minutes of an episode of Home and Away into an episode of Anzacs. After fending off some MIB's who try to revert things back to normal, Eh and Cloud visit the former's house in which Ace asks Cloud if Tifa is his girlfriend. Cloud denies this, but Ape says this is nothing to be ashamed of. I have a spurious unresearched feeling that Ab is CloudxTifa Fangirl, and this is her fanfic. Yes, Final Fantasy VII is its own worst fan fiction.

After spending the night at Arse's place you try to go back by traveling through sector 6, which is quite confusing to get through without a map, and the unintuitive navigation system is only making matters worse. I then arrive at Wall Market, in which tifa, error and cloud are, in yet another jarring shift of tone, almost raped by a man named don corneo and his cronies, corneo then drops them into a sewer via trap door and are forced to fight a couple of sewer beasts before coming above to try and navigate through train graveyard, which is impossible without running into some monsters due to the games unintuitive navigation.

The game's name is stupid (if its the 7th game then it cant be final), the graphics are mangled, the gameplay is frustrating, the sound is outdated and the storyline is nonsensical. I do not know how the hell Final Fantasy VII got cleared for release unless the entire QA team simultaneously resigned to start a shotgun tasting business. It's bad. It's biblically brutalizingly bad and you should avoid it at all cost unless you want to pan it yourself.

Now for the verdict For guilty we have almost everything, For innocent we have the characters, even though they are more like victims and for no contest we have nothing. I hereby find Final Fantasy VII Guilty.

CREDITS
Ends the same way: Jack “umatbru” Blake

Presented by DeviantArt.com

Raisans by Dinosaur Jr.

I would have harped on aeris's death but since i did'nt get there, I won't

NOTES
1. Yes it reads like a Zero Punctuation script because I love that show.
2. *Obscure Australian television joke ahead.

 

[Tetsujin]

Yes it reads like a Zero Punctuation script

No it doesn't.

 

[Airling]

It almost feels like you're trying too hard. Some people just genuinely are pretty brutally critical about stuff, and I'm usually okay with them because it at least feels honest coming from them. But that article, and the fact that you seem to play games with the express purpose of harping on them, feels very forced.

 

[Umatbru]

It almost feels like you're trying too hard. Some people just genuinely are pretty brutally critical about stuff, and I'm usually okay with them because it at least feels honest coming from them. But that article, and the fact that you seem to play games with the express purpose of harping on them, feels very forced.

If i'm trying too hard, then how can I go the easy way?

 

[Hisako]

Wait this isn't trolling?

Man, now I just plain feel bad.

Spoiler

 

[Novus]

I Agree with the poor graphics part, but the storyline is nonsensical. The word "fantasy" is not a license to go full retard. The Hobbit, or There and Back Again made perfect sense and that was fantasy. That and the mangled gameplay and SNES-like sound made me wonder if the Squaresoft QA team simultaneously resigned to start a shotgun tasting business.

The Hobbit is a completely different medium. It doesn't have to insert puzzles, bosses, dungeons ect.
Can you post what you think is a good rpg? Meaning an example.

 

[Octo]

The Hobbit didn't make sense. Why didn't they get the Eagles to take them the whole way? What the hell does Smaug want with all that gold anyway? he can't even spend it! How can he talk with a reptile jaw/mouth? Beorn is a manbear.

Of course, I love the Hobbit. But I fail to see how you can say the Hobbit makes sense and FFVII doesn't.

What else fails to meet your 'sensemaking' standard?

 

[Umatbru]

The Hobbit is a completely different medium. It doesn't have to insert puzzles, bosses, dungeons ect.
Can you post what you think is a good rpg? Meaning an example.

The Legend Of Zelda is a very obvious example. Instead of contrived turn-based battles, you press one button that bonks enemies on the head., and the story is very simple (Find 4-8 magical MacGuffins, beat Ganon, rescue Zelda).

 

[Strangelove]

so the key to a good rpg is:

be simple in story and gameplay

 

[Sprites]

I am genuinely flabbergasted at this review, I have never read such utter garbage in all my life about a review of a game.

I geniunely don't believe you've played the entire game, I believe you're still stuck in Midgar and your review is a whinge and a moan about what you personally don't like about the game based on what you played so far rather than a legit review on the entire game, I don't buy it one bit.

You completely butcher the review of the characters, there's a lack of any insight into any of them except describing what you dislike about how they look or in Tifa's case tell us how horny her boobs make you feel. You only decribe Cloud, Tifa, Barret and Aerith without any comments on their personalities, their own storylines or characterisation within the game. Just where is the reviews or thoughts for the rest of the Cast, have they become invisible? I'm genuinely at a loss as to how the game's main antagonist doesn't get even one mention.

You think it's absolutely goddamn hilarious to keep mispelling Aerith's name when it actually just makes you look incredibly childish just because you don't like her name and quite frankly it also really just makes you seem really ignorant.


Your description of the gameplay mechanics is incredibly lacking, there's no mention of the game's materia system, levelling system, changes to the equipping of weapons and armour in comparison the the previous FF games, your thoughts on the limit break system, there's a brief butchered mention of the ATB system without an actual explanation of why you feel it's stupid and you clearly don't have the slightest inclination of how a RPG works based on the fact you can't get over the random encounters present in the game.

Your insistence on the hilarity and stupidity of the game being called Final Fantasy despite myself and Tres having a discussion already and giving you the facts about why the series is called so astounds me and shows you don't do your research while reviewing and I also know nobody except you who can't get over this or thinks it's hilarious.


Your arguements for the graphics and music are...yeah we've been over this before. This is a personal vendetta against this game on your side, you're acting like this didn't come out nearly 20 years ago and technology in gaming hasn't moved along since then not to mention it being Square's first FF in 3D. As for the music, it has some really great pieces in there if you actually bothered to listen to the soundtrack at some point, fair enough the PC version is...well it's awful to be honest compared to its PS counterpart which I see nothing at all wrong with but some of the music tracks themselves are some of Nobuo Uematsu's greatest works in fact the FFVII sountrack is the only one I've downloaded in full out of all the FF music I've ever listened to and FFVII isn't even my favourite game.

Your review in conclusion is a biased, immature, long-winded way of saying "I don't like this game just because!" and on the whole is a very poor read that offers no insight into the game whatsoever.

You want us to take you seriously then go do your research, play the whole game, and actually consider what you're writing before you verbally vomit the first thing that comes into your head.

 

[The Twilight Mexican]

I would much rather spend my time reading Sprite review Umatbru's reviews of games than read his actual reviews.

Umatbru, you owe me 120 seconds, dude.

 

[Kai Schulen]

Get in line, he owes me 20* minutes for all the "reviews" I read on his deviantart account. (and reviewed his reviews!)

*I only estimate 20 minutes because I was procrastinating on procrastinating.

 

[Cat Rage Room]

Why is anyone still paying this guy any attention?

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

TBH, it's quite a pleasure to rise to FFVII's defense.

 

[Novus]

The Legend Of Zelda is a very obvious example. Instead of contrived turn-based battles, you press one button that bonks enemies on the head., and the story is very simple (Find 4-8 magical MacGuffins, beat Ganon, rescue Zelda).

Legend of Zelda is not an RPG. And the FF series are not Action Role Play games: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Action_role-playing_game

By RPG I was kinda expecting something like Planetscape Torment or Xenogears.

 

[Kai Schulen]

TBH, it's quite a pleasure to rise to FFVII's defense.

Also a fun way to waste time in a masochistic sense

 

[Airling]

If i'm trying too hard, then how can I go the easy way?

Look kid, you seem to have found yourself some mould and come off to be desperately trying to squish yourself into it. It has to be the other way around. Your work has to reflect you. Which may still mean that it will lack objectivity and any real practical value to your readers, but will do so differently.

And sadly, it isn't the easy way. Finding your space in creative work is probably the hardest way to go, but it's worth it.

 

[Strangelove]

This thread is the New Coke of abrasive video game reviews.

It only serves the purpose of reminding you how good the classic versions are.

 

[Octo]

I think it was pretty good, it would get you a C at GCSE level if you took out the swearing