Sitting at home alone on Christmas eve eating mac and cheese = feeding depression and anxiety. Kind of shaking, not sure if it's from the cold or from stress.
Contemplating what to do with my life. Having no purpose or motivation in school. Working towards a useless degree that will probably take me nowhere. Not to mention 3 years and not making made a single significant relationship. Profs/TAs don't remember me, I have no friends and spend most of my time alone. Going to class is just like anxiety anxiety anxiety. I feel like a total social reject. I am socially anxious and retarded.
Stuck in a dead-end job with shit minimum-wage pay. Being too afraid to quit because I've become comfortable and the idea of change freaks me the fuck out. Not to mention pathetically pining for a co-worker who is going out with my best friend. My friendship with her comprises the entirety of my social life, actually. She's just been so good to me in these pat few months especially, and I just want to be a good friend in return. More than anything I just want these feelings to go away.
Behaviour of family, extended and not so extended, getting me down despite myself. It pisses me off that it still bothers me when they pull their hurtful bullshit. My grandma (dad's mom) came by earlier and dropped off some money for Christmas. I feel sick taking it but... I could really help, even if it's a meager amount. I just feel so disgusted with myself. Not to mention my brother who I mentioned earlier. England family have been callous the entire time as well.
Can't remember the last... hell ANY Christmases I spend with my dad, though I know I must have at some point.
As for friends - I am grateful for them, but I'm tired of venting. I feel like an asshole for bitching all the time. It's like all I ever do these days is complain. I hate being such a gigantic douche during Christmas of all times. I think I'm just so used to keeping everything inside. I just really fucking hate talking about myself, but there's nothing else that can really help. heck, talking doesn't even really help to be honest.
tl;dr I hate myself/my life right now and I just want to curl up into the fetal position and die.
even more sadfaec: re-reading this post makes me feel really pathetic and now I feel shitty for writing it in the first place. HOLY CYCLE OF DEPRESSION.